


I'll Keep You Safe in this World of Ours

by mewsifer, SniperMoran



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Found Family, Higgs accidentally reads a porn, Higgs is a pure little bean, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marta and Stephen are cuties, Petra Monaghan, Star Gazing, Stephen teaches Higgs about mushrooms, Trans Higgs Monaghan, Void Out, also Daddy is an awful being, and Sam loves making this little kid happy, and bad times, basically everything in the world is new to Higgs, because angst, but also we love them, did I mention angst and bad times??, hand holding, it can't all be soft, mewsifer decided Higgs' dead name was Petra, soft moments between soft boys, thanks for setting my boy on the shroom path, way to go Stephen, we are terrible to our boys, we hate him like we hate Amelie thanks, wee babes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-19 11:56:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 46,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22543984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mewsifer/pseuds/mewsifer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SniperMoran/pseuds/SniperMoran
Summary: An AU in which Sam Porter ran away from home at a young age to become a porter, and in his time porting, he meets a particular young child that also needs help escaping from home.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 39
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

The darkness was as suffocating as Daddy's hands were, as suffocating as other things, but all it took was a little spot of light. Just a little seam of it to keep Higgs' spirits up, to give him an opening...

Daddy was drinking again, and Higgs could hear his heavy snoring in the other room as he was able to pry the bathroom door open, just enough for his slim form to escape through. Making quick work of padding across the bunker floor, the little boy made his way towards the bunker door, throwing it open in order to dart out into the world.

The door fell closed behind him as Higgs ran out of the entrance, stumbling and falling into the mud, laughing breathlessly.

Freedom.  
Fresh air and open, big wide world.  
Who knows how many mysteries the outdoors could hold!  
Higgs brushed hair out of his eye, the one not currently covered by a gauze patch.

"MY NAME IS HIGGS MONAGHAN!!" He shouted, throwing his arms and legs into the air as he giggled and rolled in the mud a little.

Sam came up to the flat plains after the hills, bottles clanking in their case strapped to his back. He could see a tiny little body running around, rolling and shouting in the warm, but setting sun. 

"Higgs Monaghan, huh?" He called, seeing the kid covered in muck. He was still a safe distance away, not wanting to get shot at by the kid's parents. "I'm Sam Porter." He hummed, watching curiously. 

It had been such a long time since he'd seen a child that he almost forgot what one looked like. And man this one was cute. Looked like a clumsy little thing, all covered in bandages and missing a few teeth, limbs akimbo as he rolled in the dirt.

Hearing an answering voice, Higgs jumped up, a panic setting into his light blue eye. He looked around him - plenty of space to run, but the man could probably catch him. Daddy always caught him when he tried to run.

Blinking, he looked the man over carefully. "...Sam Porter, huh?" The little one mirrored Sam's question, wiping at the mud on his bandages. "Did you walk here? From somewhere real far?"

Sam nodded, taking a few steps closer before realizing the kid flinching. He sat down in the grass, detaching his cargo from his back and rolling his shoulders. 

"I came all the way from the mountains, over there. You can see their outline if you look really hard." He said, pointing at the way he came from. 

"Have a delivery for your dad. You live in that bunker there, right?" He asked, pointing to the bunker's entrance.

Higgs tilted his body a little, looking past Sam Porter towards the outline he was talking about, squinting his eye.

"Looks pretty far," he murmured, clasping his hands together and squeezing a little, rocking on the balls of his bare feet. "Never walked that much in my whole damn life I think. Real far... just been in there forever," he motioned with his head towards the bunker, his hair flicking with the movement.

"...Daddy's sleepin," he added, throwing a nervous glance towards the entrance door. If Daddy was expecting a delivery, he probably wouldn't be asleep too long.

"It's about 3 or 4 days from here." Sam explained simply, digging through the pouch on his chest and pulling out a block wrapped in silver foil. 

"Would the little lady care for some chocolate?" He asked, breaking a piece off for himself and holding it out to her.

Kids loved candy and he knew it always build their trust to share something.

"What's that?" Higgs asked, plopping down onto the ground again and scooting slightly closer to Sam. He eyed the offered piece curiously, pulling one of his hands away from the other to hesitantly reach out to take the offering.

"What... what do I do with it?" He asked, looking at the piece in his small hand, blinking from it up to Sam curiously.

"Eat it." Sam breathed a laugh, popping his own piece in his mouth, watching the kid look at it in confusion. 

"Don't hold it too long, it'll melt." He warned, taking the foil back, leaving it out of the bag so he could offer more.

Watching Sam take the piece of chocolate into his mouth, Higgs mirrored the action, his eye widening with excitement as the sweet flavor of the chocolate melted over his tongue. It wasn't like anything he'd ever had before!  
All the food he had was so bland and boring, but this!

"That was amazing!" He exclaimed, looking to Sam like he was some sort of magical being.

Sam laughed, holding it out again. "Want more?" He asked, his heart feeling light. 

He really did miss kids. He knew it would probably be impossible for him, but he always wanted some of his own. A whole gaggle of them if possible. 

Everything nice you did for them was the best thing ever.

"I-" Higgs wriggled a little, biting the inside of his cheek, still tasting the lingering sweetness of the chocolate. "I shouldn't. Don't wanna eat all your good stuff - I don't know much but I do know a bit of manners," he giggled, picking at the blades of grass brushing against his legs. He wiggled his toes and sighed.

Daddy would wake up before he was able to get far, at this rate. Might as well stay and endure the punishment, so he could keep talking to this Sam, man.

"No, go on. Take the whole thing if you want. I can always get more." Sam offered, holding it out to her. 

"Hold on..." he popped one last piece into his mouth before handing it over. "Don't eat it all at once though. You'll get sick."

His eye lit up with that excitement again as he took the foil wrapped chocolate, breaking off another small piece before stuffing it into his pocket.

"I'll keep it hidden best I can, promise!" He grinned, patting his pocket. "Won't let Daddy find it an' get mad. And I ain't gonna tell him where I got it from neither," he added, smiling as he pushed himself to his feet.

Sam smirked, watching the kid get up, attaching his pack to himself again. "You're not supposed to be out here, are you?" He asked curiously, hauling himself up to his feet.

Higgs froze, that tremble of anxiety flooding his again and overtaking all of that wonderfully light feeling the chocolate had brought him.  
"You won't tell my Daddy, will you?" He asked in a breath, all the muscles of his body tensing, bouncing on the balls of his bare feet again.  
"I never been out... Daddy always told me the world outside our bunker is too dangerous for little ones like me..."

Sam nodded, in agreement. "And it is. You really shouldn't go too far on your own. It can get pretty bad out here." He warned, not wanting to find the body of a small kid about to go necro. 

He crossed his arms, sizing up the tiny body. "Tell you what, did you close the door to the bunker? If you did I think I have an idea."

"I heard the door close, yeah," he replied, looking up at Sam before glancing back to the bunker.

"...it's bad everywhere. Inside, outside; s'all bad," he added absently, digging his toe into the soft dirt under him.

Sam frowned, reaching out and patting her small head. "Sorry to break the truth to you." He sighed, letting his hand rest on a very tiny, boney shoulder. 

"The good news is that you'll fit on the delivery shelf. Your dad doesn't even have to know you were out here..." he reassured, looking her over again. "As long as you wash up first. You're filthy! You probably look worse than I do!" He breathed a laugh, knowing he was dirty too.

He flinched away from Sam's touch slightly, wincing when his big hand pat his head. A part of Higgs was afraid that Sam was going to hit him, to hurt him.  
When he didn't, and there was only a simple weight on his shoulder, Higgs felt himself relax.

"The delivery shelf?" Higgs' eye widened and he giggled, glancing towards the door. "You gonna send me in like a delivery! I get to go in the little compartment that our food comes from?" He wiggled a little.

Sam hummed and nodded. "A very special delivery too." He teased gently, leading the way back to the terminal.

"Yeah, you'll just go right in next to the delivery and then crawl off the shelf once you're in. No one has to know. You're just checking everything's in good condition."

Higgs felt his eyes water slightly and without much hesitation, he threw his arms around Sam's middle, hugging him, finding no issue in that his head was pressed against the front of Sam's pants.

"You're the absolute best," he murmured quietly before pulling away from Sam, making his way towards his Daddy's bunker.

Sam felt little arms wrap around him, flinching slightly at the unexpected touch. He patted the back of her head, letting her lead the way. 

He loaded up the shelf with the tiny child on it. "Ready? It'll go down pretty quick, make sure you take a deep breath and hold it until you're down, alright? Keep your arms wrapped tight around your knees, ok?" He explained, kneeling down, making sure she was all tucked in. 

"Ready?"

Wriggling on the shelf a little, Higgs wrapped his arms around his legs, holding himself tightly into a ball as he gave a quick nod.

"Re- Wait! Sam?" Higgs looked up to him, wiggling his toes a little. "...will you come back sometime?"

Sam smiled, looking over at her on the shelf. "If you want me to yeah. I'll come back with deliveries. I'll look for your dad's name." He agreed with a smile. 

"We can sneak you in through the shelf until you get too big." He teased, giving her a wink and a thumbs up. "Safe trip!" He wished her, sending the shelf down.

Rising the delivery shelf down, Higgs tumbled out once he reached the bottom, the movement a bit too quick for him to react in time and hold himself in.  
Quickly scrambling to his feet, he checked on the items on the delivery shelf, hoping Daddy hadn't seen him tumble out.

He had to go get clean, and quick.

The sound of the shelf made him stir but it was the sound of water running that woke him. "Little bitch, wasting all these damn water!" He called, stumbling to his feet to pull her out if the shower. 

"Petra! Get your ass out of there. What fucking good are you!? All you do is lay around and read and waste all the resources I work hard to get!" He hissed, reaching in and turning the water off, pulling her out of the shower by her wrist.

Higgs stumbled from the shower, having gotten most of the mud and grim from her body before Daddy had woken up to pull her out.

"S-Sorry Daddy! I'm sorry- I just... I wanted to be clean!" He chewed the inside of his cheek, looking down at his own feet, his naked body dripping wet from the water, little goose flesh starting to cover his arms.

"From what!? You don't do anything! Gotta earn your worth." He spat giving her a look over, eyes drunkenly lingering where they shouldn't. 

He licked his lips, knowing he could do what he wanted. "Go start dinner. Make yourself useful."

With a huff, Higgs tugged his arm out of Daddy's grasp and padded out of the bathroom. On his way to the kitchen, he pulled on some clean clothes and started dinner, as requested.

It was always a variation of the same thing, anyway - some kind of protein paste or crushed up protein meal bars over bland as fuck rice.

Higgs' mind wandered to that bar of chocolate that he was gifted, a little smile touching his lips as he made dinner for himself and Daddy.  
At least he would have that chocolate to look forward to.

He watched the kid making the meal after dinner. "Gonna be a good little girl for Daddy tonight?" He asked, standing behind her and running his fingers along her shoulders with his free hand, taking drinks from the bottle in his other. 

"Let daddy have you and then you can go read your book."

He had to fight back the urge to tense up, knowing allowing himself to do so would only piss Daddy off again, leave him a few more bruises and breaks to sport until Daddy decided it was too much and he had to die.

"...yes Daddy," he breathed quietly, continuing to make their dinner.

When it was finished, he served it onto two plates, giving Daddy a bigger portion, always.

Sitting next to her, he let his hand sit on her knee and wander up as he ate. He turned on some reports, listening to an old lecture as they always did. 

He waited for her to finish eating before leading her back to the small room that he'd let her have. 

When he left her after a while, he went to check the delivery, leaving the porter a decent review since nothing was broken. 

He set his next desired delivery for a few days time. He somehow always seemed to go though bottles. Oh well, they were recyclable anyway.

Higgs curled up in his bed after Daddy left him alone, pulling his blankets over himself.

This was love, and this was how life was. That's what Daddy told him. When you love someone as much as Daddy loved him, you do intimate things with them, and when they make you mad, sometimes intimate things got a bit more rough, or there were other harsh punishments.

Higgs wasn't very good at learning the lessons that Daddy tried to teach him. He was far too stubborn and set in his own ways.  
For example - he was born Petra Monaghan, a female.  
Only, he didn't really like being labeled as a female, and he certainly didn't like being called 'Petra'.  
So, it was while he was reading some of the books Daddy let him look through that he came across the name Higgs. Something to do with physics and God Particle or whatnot.

...But the name spoke to him. So it was his. Even if Daddy got mad about it and hit him, beat him.

Their days carried on the same way, in and out, only Higgs couldn't ever tell what was day and what wasn't. He'd never seen a 'night' to know what the difference was, if there was one.

But when the next delivery was scheduled, he made sure to be on his best behavior so Daddy would drink himself to sleep again and he could sneak out and maybe see that nice delivery man.

Sam made his way across the plains, coming from the opposite way this time. Once again, he saw the small girl waiting outside the bunker. 

She looked like she'd been a little roughed up, but he heard it was pretty common out here among the preppers to hit their kids. Put the fear of god into them or whatever bullshit. 

Kid probably knew no different, so why upset her? 

"Hello, Higgs Monaghan." He greeted, coming up in the distance to be heard without shouting.

Higgs turned and his eye widened, the other still covered from the last time Sam had stopped by.

"Hello Sam Porter!" He exclaimed excitedly, bouncing a little on the balls of his bare feet again.

Apart from the bruising and looking a bit roughed up, Higgs was cleaner this time. He hadn't been rolling in the mud while waiting.

"You came from a different way! What's out that way? Are there mountains that way too? Do you like the mountains? I've only seen them in books, or in the distance when I was out last time."

"No mountains that way. At least I haven't seen them if there are. I've heard if you keep going, you'll see the ocean though. I've never seen the ocean, but I think I'd like to keep my distance for any beaches." He laughed, sitting himself down on the ground again, taking his pack off. 

"Got you something though!" Sam smiled, digging through his bag. "There's farms out that way. Protected orchards with trees inside! I haven't really seen healthy trees in a long time. Especially not ones in time fall areas like this." He explained, pulling an orange out of his utility pouch, peeling it for Higgs before handing it over.

"It's food." He smiled, taking a piece and eating it himself before handing the rest over.

The little one tilted his head and looked at the offered food before taking it from Sam carefully.  
He broke a piece apart like Sam had just done for himself and popped it between his lips.

When he bit into it, a sweet and tangy juice burst into his mouth and he gasped, flailing his arms a little.

"What was that?!" He exclaimed excitedly, chewing and swallowing it before taking another piece. "This came from a tree? I've seen those in books, too! They grow leaves and sometimes flowers that sometimes turn into fruits! Is that what this is? It's a fruit?" He asked, eating another piece as he swayed happily, holding his crossed legs.

"This is so yummy... I finished all my chocolate! ...that was yummy too."

Sam laughed, watching her eat excitedly. "Yeah, they called it an orange. I'd never eaten one before that either." He hummed, enjoying sharing something new. 

"I don't see how it can be good for you when it tastes like that, but they tell me it is." He shrugged, crossing his own legs and leaning back on his pack. 

"I'm glad you like it! And I'll have to bring you more chocolate too. I know I'd already eaten like half of it." He breathed a laugh. 

He looked her over, wondering if she was born with a defect in the one eye. He wouldn't ask about it, though he was probably staring.

"Orange! I think I really likes oranges! ...but is it better than chocolate?" He tapped his chin in thought, tilting his head a little. "I think... I think chocolate was really good in a different way. It's hard to compare them," he hummed, finishing his last piece of his orange.

"Thank you for bringing me such a yummy thing! If you hadn't, I'd never taste such wonderful things! Daddy never gets that nice stuff... only ever that protein paste crap, the protein meal bars and rice," he sighed, knowing most of the money went towards Daddy's drinks that made him angry and sleepy.

"Do you like traveling? Do you go all over? How long have you been traveling? Do you just deliver stuff?" He asked, having finished his orange. He enjoyed learning, which is why at his young little age, he was already reading as much as possible.

Sam listened to the questions, taking them all in before answering. 

"I do like traveling. Get to try new things. See new places, meet new people." He hummed with a gentle, playful poke to her tummy. 

"I haven't been traveling long. Maybe a few months now. And what do you mean? Just deliver stuff? That's my job as a porter. Making deliveries." He explained, watching her eyes light up as he explained.

"Whoa! So... your job is to just travel around and being people the stuff they need?" He asked, seeming to perk up a bit at the idea.

That sounded like so much fun! Traveling wherever he wanted and seeing all the things there was to see!

"Ohhhh~! I wish I could come with you! That sounds like a really exciting life! Better than being stuck in the damn bunker all the time..." he sighed, falling backwards and letting his limbs all starfish out.

"Why only a few months?"

Sam watched with a sympathetic smile. "Just left home. Didn't much like it there anymore, so I ran. I didn't like feeling like I wasn't doing anything." He explained with a shrug, not sure if that was a smart thing to say to a kid that seemed to hate living in a bunker.

"I was trying to run away when you came the first time," Higgs admitted, reaching up towards the sky, a bit lighter today than it had been last time. "Not sure where I was gonna go, just wanted to get out and away," he sighed, letting his hand fall back, resting it on his chest.

"....did anyone go looking for you to try to bring you back home? Do you miss it?"

Sam frowned, leaning back to look at the sky too. It was nice to be around kids. They reminded him of the simple pleasures of life. Just look up.

"I don't know if they're looking. Probably are... don't tell anyone you've seen me, just incase, promise? You'll keep my secret?" He asked hopefully, looking over to the tiny little girl. He wasn't sure how old she was, but she seemed exhausted.

"Who'm I gonna tell? Daddy?" He giggled, but there was a slight bitterness to it as he turned his head to look at Sam. "If I told Daddy I met and talked to you, I'd be the one in trouble, not you," he added, looking over Sam curiously before turning his attention back to the sky.

"...but I'll keep your secret, all to myself. Promise."

Laying outside with Sam Porter was nice. The older man didn't touch him in any way he didn't like, or in any way that made him uncomfortable. He didn't even look at Higgs in any sort of way either, just smiled all nice like and Higgs didn't know how to deal with that. With knowing that there was someone out there that wasn't like Daddy. That not everyone was like him.

"Someday, I'm gonna run away too."

"Wait until you're older ok? It's dangerous out here, and you're pretty far from everything. Especially depending on which direction you head. And I can't promise the other preppers will be nice either." Sam sighed, knowing some people would see a small, tiny girl out in the cold and grab her. 

"You need supplies. You'll need safer clothes, ones that are time fall resistant. You need to be strong. There is so much walking and pulling yourself up things." He explained, not stopping her, but giving her something to think about. 

"Find a way to let me know when and I might be able to help you. If you can get to your dad's terminal, you can send out for me."

"...until I'm older, huh?" He murmured, a cloudiness hazing over his eye that wasn't currently bandaged over. "How long is that? How much older?" He added, turning to look at Sam again, an almost pleading look in his gaze.

Supplies, he could probably steal from Daddy - not like the man couldn't just angrily get some more. Safer clothes... he could probably make some? If he could just find materials that were safe against whatever Timefall was...

"What's Timefall? And what is resistant against it?" He asked, trying to further work out a plan, seeing as Sam was being kind enough to give him tips.

Sam blinked, surprised at the question. "You don't know what timefall is?" He asked, shocked and worried the kid would run away not knowing anything. 

"Timefall is... its kinda like rain. We don't get rain anymore. Only timefall. When it touches you, you age. One minute you're young, the next you're old and full of wrinkles. It speeds up your life process. Plants sprout and grow and die in a matter of seconds. Bodies age and decay as if they'd been there for years." He explained, his voice serious, trying to scare Higgs off for a little while. 

"What's worse it that the BTs seem to follow it."

"...what're BTs?" He asked, pulling himself up to look at Sam, that fire of curiosity taking over that cloudiness of despair that had settled into his eyes. He absolutely loved learning, and Sam seemed more full of real world applicated knowledge than the books he read when Daddy left him alone.

"Not people or plants, if they follow this Timefall stuff that ages things," he concludes on his own, his toes wiggling happily.

"I don't really know what they are." Sam answered honestly, shifting anxiously as if talking about them would bring them here. 

"They're called Beached Things, BTs for short. They come from the other side. From the dead. They're terrible and mindless and will destroy everything inn their way. And I'd they touch you..." Sam clapped his hand, loud for effect, smiling slightly when the small kid jumped. "BOOM! There goes the whole area. Everything gone. And that attracts more of them too."

Higgs' eye widened, his breathing slowing a little. "...whoa..." he breathed, his body going still a moment, except for the rise and fall of his chest.

"That's crazy! If everything's gone, do you die for good? Like, that's the end? No more?" He asked, his curiosity piqued.

Maybe, if he couldn't successfully run away, he could at least be caught by a BT and wouldn't have to come back anymore?

Sam felt his heart clench at the question. "Die for good? No more?" He asked carefully.

"Well, most people only die the once. So, yes? That's it, I guess. Gone for good... have you died before?" He asked, tryig to keep his voice gentle. Though he was pretty pissed off at the idea of a kid so young dying. 

Though he had on several occasions.

The little boy nodded. "A few times," he replied easily, like that was something normal and okay, and not something as horrific as it actually was. "It's not always so bad, but I get these really bad nightmares when I come back... Daddy got really scared and mad the first time I came back," he explained, shrugging his shoulders.

Sam blinked, feeling angry tears in his eyes. "Oh Higgs..." he breathed, wanting to reach out and hold the poor little thing. 

"You're what's called a repatriate... me too. When we die, they say we go somewhere between the Beach and the world of the living. It's like a seam between the two. We die, we come back." He explained, offering his hand out, wanting to show some kind of compassion. 

"Most... normal people don't do that. They get the one and they're done."

Higgs blinked, looking down at Sam's hand before carefully scooting closer and taking it with both of his hands.

"...so, BTs then - they'd wipe everything else out but we'd still come back, wouldn't we?" He asked, an awful sadness in the way he asked the question, as though he had been looking forward to knowing there was something out there that could make the coming back part of dying stop. For good.

"I hate it... I just wanna be normal, but I can't even be that! Can't even die properly cus I'm a freak all around!" Higgs released Sam's hand, pushing himself to his feet.

Sam frowned, offering his arms out. "Hey... come here." He called quietly. He wanted to reassure her she wasn't where she was told. 

"You calling me a freak?" He asked, putting on a face of mock hurt. He'd thought so too when he first found out. Learned that he was being used as a guinea pig to study repatriates.

"You're not a freak, Higgs. We're just different, that's all."

"Ain't that a general definition of a freak?" Higgs huffed, clambering into Sam's embrace anyway.

He was so warm, and he smelled like the ground and like other things that Higgs had no clue how to identify. It was nice, and he could get used to feeling these arms around him.

"Daddy says I'm a freak, so I am. Can't die properly, can't make food right, can't dress right, read too much," he shrugged against Sam's body, sighing. "It's fine. Just a word. Don't hurt if I don't let it hurt."

"What's he know? He lives in a bunker." Sam reminded, giving those tiny shoulders a gentle squeeze.

"I've seen so much, met all sorts of people. You're not a freak, Higgs. I promise you that." He reassured, petting her long hair. 

"And I'm not sure if there's a right way to make rice send protein paste." He snorted, knowing that's all the food that was delivered in the logs. "And good, if you read, maybe you can be smart and help. There's plenty of people out there that don't know how to read." He reassured, trying to cheer her up.

The little boy smiled, letting his eyes close as he melted against Sam, nodding as he listened to his reassuring words.

"...will you come back again?" He asked quietly, his voice slightly muffled against Sam's chest. "I probably should go back... who knows when Daddy might wake up and find me missing. He'd be so mad..."

"I'll come back... hey. I want to ask you." Sam frowned, still holding her comfortably. "What happened to your eye? Do you need medicine for it? I can bring you some when I come back." 

He reassured her, wanting her to know he'd keep coming back. He had to now. Just to make sure she was safe.

Higgs blinked, carefully pulling back a little. "I don't think medicine can help," he replied, bringing his hand up to the bandages. "I just have to wait to die again and it'll come back good as new," he smiled up at Sam, saying yet another thing that sounded so natural and normal to him, but was horrific to anyone else.

"Daddy got mad that I was paying attention to my books and not him, so he made it difficult for me to focus on my books."

Sam frowned, pulling her close to his chest, holding tightly. "Alright little lady, let's go make that delivery. I'll bring you another gift when I come back too." He hummed, easily lifting her tiny little body and carrying her, and his other cargo to the terminal.

Smiling the whole way, Higgs gifted Sam a big kiss to his cheek before clambering into the delivery shelf, pulling his knees close to himself like he had last time.

"Tell me about the places you go when you're not here, next time, okay? I want to know about all the places you've been," he hummed, watching Sam as the delivery shelf dropped and lowered him into the bunker.

He didn't fall out this time, having anticipated the heavy drop from last time. Climbing out carefully, he froze when he saw Daddy's chair empty.

"...crap."

He heard the sound of the delivery shelf, turning to the sound as he came out of the bathroom. "Where the hell were you hiding?" He growled, stopping to look at her. 

"Get your ass over here! I was calling for you. You deaf?"

On shaky legs, Higgs scrambled over to where his Daddy was yelling for him, looking up at him nervously. "S-Sorry Daddy... I was really invested in a book, so I was hiding under my bed," he breathed the lie, unsure of if it would be believed or not.

It would earn him a punishment one way or another, but he wondered which was worse - if Daddy caught him in the lie, or ignoring Daddy in favor of his books.

"You and those stupid books! I should just burn them! I told you you could have them as long as you behaved!" He reminded, grabbing her arm, hard enough to bruise. 

"Should I take your other eye too? What punishment should I give you?" He lifted her up, just by the tiny limb, not at all concerned about hurting her. "Come on, Petra! Answer me!" He shook her violently. "Do you want to go in the box?"

A whimper morphed into a yelp as Higgs felt a pop in his shoulder, his arm going suddenly a bit limp and cold as it hung a bit oddly, the rest of him dangling from it.

"I-I don't know- Daddy, please, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to ignore you, to make you mad!" He whimpered, dark and sticky tears leaking down his cheeks as he wriggled, only bringing further sparks of pain from his shoulder.

"Please! Anything you want, Daddy, just please forgive me!"

"Stop talking. If you're not going to pay attention, I'll make you pay attention. And when I'm done with you, you're going in the box." He threatened, tossing her down on the floor. 

It was rough but it was quick. And when he was finished, he lifted her by the leg, setting her into the 'box' which was an old porters chest. 

He took out what was inside, closing the lid and locking it with her inside. 

"I'm only doing this because I love you. You have to learn how to be a proper wife. Its for your best interests." He said, tapping the side of the crate before turning away. 

For a few days he'd have to do things for himself, but when he was ready, he knew he could just open the box and put would pop the little girl, shiny and brand new. All his guilt gone from her skin. His sins absolved.

Inside the box, Higgs sobbed and pounded at its walls, his little body trembling.  
It didn't take long for all that to stop, though, as his body grew tired and collapsed to the bottom of the box. His eyes eventually slipped closed, his body shutting down everything but his shallow breathing, trying to stay alive for as long as he could.

_Opening his eyes to the cold and the wet, Higgs looked around in that weird shadowy place that he went when he died. It was like he was underwater, or what he imagined that would feel like based on some of the reading he had- ...Reading. It always got him into such trouble with Daddy. Why did he hate it so much? Why was he so focused on Higgs becoming a good wife when he didn't even allow him out of this damn bunker anyway! Who's wife would he be?_

It took him a little while of the aimless floating before he decided to return to his body, coughing and spluttering as he returned to the pitch black of the box.  
The cycle repeated, over and over - struggle for air, body shutting down, underwater place, return.  
It got tiring, but that was his life, his punishment for not learning the lessons his Daddy set out before him.

He finally let Higgs out of the box, getting bored with being alone. He'd set out food and water on the table for him, a new book sitting next to it too. 

He couldn't help but feel guilty sometimes. Knowing that this wasn't what her mother intended when she trusted him with her kid. But why'd she have to go and die? Why'd this good for nothing kid have to kill her? 

"Eat. You'll need your strength back. You can go read after, but you need to start doing your chores again."

Higgs climbed out of the box, the bandages removed from his eye - though the one that had been injured for so long was significantly lighter in color than his other eye.  
All signs of other trauma and injury were gone as well - the scratches and cuts and bruises all healed and sealed up. The dislocation of his shoulder was fixed perfectly as if nothing had happened at all.

...but he was dreadfully thin and pale, exhausted from being in that dark place for so long, dying and returning over and over.

Quietly, he ate what was left out for him and gulped down the water.

"Thank you Daddy. I'll do the dishes now, before I read. Have you eaten?" He asked, a numbness to his words, repeating what he had been taught, regurgitating it mindlessly.

"Do the dishes and go rest. Take some more water and a snack. You're too thin." He said simply, handing her half a protein bar and some more water. 

"I'm going to be heading out for a few days. Neighbors need some stuff done to their bunker. The automated deliver system is on, but you'll need to take the stuff off the shelf when it comes."

"Yes sir," he responded easily, not letting his excitement show that Daddy was going to be gone for a while, and that Sam would be-

"Be safe out there, and come back as soon as you can," he added, with a cute little smile before hurrying into the kitchen to go do the dishes before returning to the bedroom Daddy let him use.

He collapsed into bed, drifting quickly to sleep to let his body recharge.

Sam frowned when he came up to the bunker again, not seeing his little friend for the second time now. He worried about what could have happened to her. He started to load up the delivery shelf, pinging the terminal to at least let the occupants know he was there.

Maybe Higgs would know he was looking for her then. That he hadn't just left her there.

Which was very much how he felt.

The ping of a delivery was what finally pulled Higgs from sleep. He jumped up, his eyes bright with excitement as he ran from his room, knowing Daddy was still out.

"Sam!" He exclaimed, running to the door and throwing it open. "Sam Porter!" He shouted, calling for the man who had already started heading away from the bunker.

How long had it been since he had seen Higgs? How many deliveries had he not been waiting outside for Sam to arrive?

"Sam!"

The sound of his name caused Sam to turn. He heard the little voice before seeing the happy little face to match. 

He turned, quickly making his way back to the bunker. "There she is! I've missed you!" He called, holding his arms out for the little one. 

The closer he got, he realized the bandages were gone. Bruises healed up and skin looking healthy, though she was far thinner than the last visit. He wondered what happened to her while he was away. He wished there was more he could do. 

The only thing he could do was show a little compassion, some affection. Give her something to look forward to.

Higgs jumped into Sam's arms, laughing happily.

"Sam! You came back!" He exclaimed, beaming up at him, able to see him with both eyes now. "You have to tell me about all the places you've been now, okay! I want to hear about all of them!" He added, squeezing the man in a tight hug.

Higgs had never been happier to see another person before, but Sam was different, he wasn't like Daddy.

"My Daddy is away fixing up someone's bunker for them!"

Sam smiled, actually glad to hear that Higgs would have some time away. "So we have time?" He asked, carrying her back to the bunker. 

"I'm just gonna use my pack to keep your door open, but we can stay out here. Should be night soon. Have you ever seen the stars?" He asked, not setting her down as he shifted his bag off, setting it to keep the door open. 

"I have a few gifts for you. You weren't here to get them the last time I came by, so I held onto it for you." He said, bringing her back out into the open, setting her in the grass and sitting down, back against the wall of the bunker.

"Stars...? They're the burning gases in space, right? I've read about them a little bit," he hummed, finding himself leaning his head against Sam, relaxing when he felt the man's warmth.

"...I'm sorry I wasn't here," he murmured quietly, sniffling a little. "I was in the box because of last time... Daddy was awake when I got in and I lied to him so he wouldn't know I got out, wouldn't know about you. See, I kept your secret, just like I promised!"

Sam felt guilty. He was the reason she was treated like this, at least this time. "I'm sorry... but thank you for keeping our secret." He frowned, wrapping his arm around her. 

"I know it's not worth your time, but I found these for you. And got you some more chocolate. Two this time, maybe it'll last you long enough before I head back to the cities again." He laughed, handing the candies and a small tin he'd found full of silly little hair pins and fake jewelry. 

"This one's really cute, huh? Looks like the moon." He smiled, showing off one that was yellow and crescent shaped. It was a little nicer than the others, less childish and looked like it may have belonged to the tin owners mother or older sibling. 

Now they belonged to Higgs. "I'd have gotten you a book, but... don't find many of those laying around in good condition."

Looking through the contents of the tin, Higgs' eyes watered, brushing his fingers over all of the pretty things. They were for his hair, that much he knew, but he'd never seen anything so pretty in his life.

Carefully taking out the crescent moon shaped one, he pulled back some hair from his face with it before adding the other clips randomly, grinning up at Sam when he was satisfied.  
"I love them! They're so pretty!" He exclaimed, squeezing Sam's arm. His mismatching eyes sparkled up at Sam, his little mouth forming a small 'o' as he looked past Sam.

The sky had grown darker, specks of light spattered across it, twinkling. The horizon by the mountains was a reddish purple and Higgs let out a soft breath.

"...so pretty..." he untangled himself from Sam, pushing to his feet to stare up at the sky, reaching for it on his tiptoes. "Stars," he murmured, dark tears shimmering in his eyes.

Sam smiled, watching her reach for a minute before getting up. He lifted her up, ducking his head between her legs and getting her feet flat on his shoulders, holding on tightly to her hand. 

"Hold on tight ok? And don't wiggle around so much." He laughed looking up at the joy on her face. 

Something he took for granted every night, bringing so much happiness and wonder. It made him want to show her everything he could.

He giggled excitedly, holding tightly onto Sam as he continued to reach up to the sky with his other hand, wiggling around a bit anyway in his ambition of literally touching the sky.

An impossible ambition, of course.

"Ahhh! I'm so tall! So high up!" He exclaimed, sounding completely and utterly overjoyed, enjoying this feeling of flying more than any other feeling.  
It was better than oranges and chocolate, better than reading, better than dying.

It felt so free.

He closed his eyes and spread his arms, sticky dark tears trickling down his cheeks as he laughed, happier than he'd ever been.

Sam heard the sound of almost hysterical laughter that only kids could manage, felt tears dropping down on the top of his head. He felt his own eyes watering, wondering if he'd ever seen so much overwhelming joy in his life. 

Sam let the little one fall forward, catching her in his arms and giving her a tight hug. Silently thanking her for sharing this moment with him. After several moments of hugging her and just rocking he playfully, he finally set her down.

"Thank you, Sam," he breathed, looking up at the man as he wiped at the sticky tears on his face.

"I love when you come to bring a delivery... I always get to experience something new and this-" he swallowed heavily, stubbornly turning away from Sam as he stretched out his arms. "This is the most amazing thing ever, the most amazing feeling! I've never been so happy to be alive in my whole life!" He laughed again, twirling himself in a circle, his hair flopping with the clips and pins in it.

"For the first time ever, I know what freedom feels like!"

Sam sat down in the grass, wiping at his own face. For the first time in months he felt so little again. He was still just a kid too. He missed his home and he missed his mom. 

He sat in the grass crying quietly as he watched, wishing he could tell Higgs how happy he felt. How, after traveling everywhere he'd been to, this might have been the best moment of his life. That he'd never bring anyone anything that mattered this much ever again.

When Higgs finally was a little too dizzy, he toppled over, landing in Sam's lap, grinning up at him as he giggled, stopping when he felt something drip onto his cheeks.

Blinking, he reached up and touched Sam's cheek, feeling the wetness there.  
"Hey... you okay?" He asked quietly, blinking up at Sam "Why are you crying?"

Sam smiled, running his hand through her hair, careful of the pins. "I'm great... thank you Higgs." He hummed, relaxing and curling in to have a better look at her.

"Has anyone told you that you're the most beautiful person in the world? I'm glad you shared some of that light with me..." he breathed, wiping his cheeks.

Higgs felt a warmth burn in his cheeks before a giggle bubbled up in his chest. "What?" He poked Sam's forehead, still quietly giggling. "Are you crazy or somethin? You've seen so much of the world and you're tryin to tell me that I'm the most beautiful?"

Shaking his head, Higgs cupped Sam's jaw a little, grinning up at him.  
"No, no crazy idiot has ever told me I'm the most beautiful person in the whole great big wide world. Only you."

"You don't get out enough if I'm the only idiot." Sam teased, glad he could put that shimmer in those beautiful, mismatched eyes. 

"I'll have to come back for you and show you when you're older." He hummed, leaning into the touch of the little hands on his face. 

He vaguely wondered if he ever made anyone this happy as a kid.

"Well, I did tell you that when we first met. Never been out of that damn bunker before that first day when I met you," he chuckled, leaning his head against Sam's chest, closing his eyes as he listened to the man's beating heart.

He wished they could just stay like this. That he didn't have to go back into that bunker and wait for his Daddy to come home. Didn't have to endure Daddy's punishments and attempts to make him a good wife for someone.

"...Do you think I'd make a good wife?" He asked curiously, still resting his head against Sam's chest.

Sam blinked, no clue where that came from, a little startled from the question. 

"You're like... 9 or 10? Who cares what kind of wife you'd be yet?" He asked, still reeling a bit from the question. 

"You're still just a kid. Worry about that, okay?"

"Daddy cares," he huffed, balling one of his hands in Sam's shirt. "He says I have to learn how to be a proper wife," he shrugged, heaving a sigh. "But who would I even be a wife to? He never lets me out of our bunker. Gets so mad when I even ask about the world out here, outside our door... I think that's why he lets me read all the books that I do - so I don't ask him questions that he doesn't want to answer."

Sam laughed, remembering his own mother sticking him with someone else when she was sick of his questions. 

"Don't worry about being anyone's wife, Higgs. You can't be his, so who cares? I'm sure anyone would be plenty happy to have you around as their friend." He reassured, wrapping his arms around her, letting his hand rest on her back.

Nodding, he curled against Sam, just relaxing in the warmth of him, wondering what it would feel like to sleep next to someone like him.

"Where are you going after this?" He asked quietly, keeping his voice soft. "Whole big world out there, nothing holding you back... you got some other deliveries to make?"

Other cute kids to meet and make their day?

Sam shrugged, still just happy to rest. He might even be able to fall asleep out here like this. It was a warm enough night with a clear sky. Sleeping under the stars with Higgs curled next to him would be fantastic.

"Don't know yet. There's a lady that lives just over the hills that way that makes under clothes. They're always in high demand, so I usually pick stuff up there. Sometimes she even gives me a meal." He laughed, thinking about her and the socks she gave him. He wondered if he could get her to make a pair for Higgs. 

"But as of right now, no. Nothing holding me back." He hummed. It felt good saying that. Took him months to plan his escape. Now he was out here and... it sucked. But at least it wasn't home.

"I don't know when Daddy will be back but... would you stay? For a little while and we could just lay here together for a bit?" He asked, not ready to go back inside and close himself up in that place to wait for Daddy's return.

"Only if there's nothing else important that could use your attention instead. I know a lot of people depend on guys like you to bring them all the things they need..."

"Theres nothing that could possibly be more important." Sam hummed, laying his head back in the grass. "I might fall asleep though, but I'm a light sleeper. I'll hear if someone starts to walk this way." He reassured.

Nodding again, Higgs rested his head against Sam's chest, curled up beside him. He drifted to sleep easily, an actual restful sleep with no nightmares.

Sam woke with the sun that morning. He adjusted himself, careful not to wake Higgs as he sat up. "Alright, little lady. Time to go back home, I'm afraid." He whispered, lifting her up and carrying her back to the door.

Higgs stirred in his sleep, clutching Sam's shirt with one hand as he covered his yawn - and those sharp little teeth - with the other hand.

"Sammy...?" He murmured sleepily, rubbing at his eyes.

Sam laughed at the nickname. "Yeah?" He asked, bringing her to the door and hesitating. "Want me to bring you to bed?" He asked carefully. He looked into the bunker, wondering what it looked like.

He nodded, still clutching Sam's shirt. "Yeah please..." he murmured sleepily, blinking slowly. "I wish you could stay... you slept in any sort of bed any time recent, out there in that big world of yours?"

Sam shook his head. "No. I haven't." He frowned after a moment, thinking about it. 

"I can't be here in your bunker with you when your dad gets here. He'd kill us both." He laughed, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

"We'd both come back," he murmured sleepily, clinging to Sam. "I don't want you to go yet..." he breathed, biting his own lower lip. "But I don't know when my Daddy left because he left while I was recovering."

Sam shook his head, setting her down in her bed and covering her up. He made sure everything hed brought was tucked under the bed. 

"Don't want him getting the wrong idea..." he sighed heavily. He knew how it would look, coming home to a man, well more of a young boy really, in your young daughter's bed. And he also didn't want Higgs to get in any worse trouble. 

He gave her one last hug before making his way out of the bunker, closing the door behind him. He checked the terminal before heading out, seeing a man walking toward him after a few minutes. 

He nodded to the man, wondering if that was Higgs' dad. They didn't much look alike.

Higgs huffed sleepily, grumbling to himself as he lay in bed a little while longer before forcing himself up to get the delivery off the shelf.

As he was moving stuff, the door opened and he turned towards it expectantly.

"Daddy?"

"What? You expecting someone else?" He teased, taking off his jacket and such. 

"Delivery come in? Shit, just saw the porter." He breathed a laugh, shaking his head. "They're getting younger and uglier, I swear." He set his things down by the door, coming in and letting her sort through the delivery. He sat down in his chair, taking his boots off and resting his feet.

Higgs took Daddy's jacket and hung it up before going through the delivery, putting things away where he knew them all to go, trying not to show the anger he felt.

Sam isn't ugly.  
Daddy's just blind.  
...but what does that day about me?  
Am I ugly, since Daddy thinks I'm beautiful?

"Did everything go well with helping the others?"

"Yeah. Everything's fine now." He shrugged, putting his feet up. It had been a long walk for the prepper. "When you're done, get over here. I think I might have hurt my foot." 

"Now you see? It's dangerous out there. People just wandering around, claiming to want to help, though most of them would rob you blind if you gave them the chance." Huffed, finally getting a good look at her. "What's all that crap in your hair? Where'd you get that from?"

Shit.

He'd forgotten about the clips and pins from Sam. How the fuck was he meant to-

"I thought they were from you, Daddy? They came in the delivery," he hummed, making his way over to where Daddy was relaxing in his chair. He checked over the man's feet, finding a few cuts and scrapes, but nothing worse than anything Higgs could take himself.

"I'm going to get the medical kit and clean these up. Do you need anything else?"

"Get me a beer when you come through the kitchen." He said simply, ignoring the pins. He could use since points for the kid. If they were a gift from the porter, he'd kill the dirty pervert. Probably pulled up the inhabitants listing from the UI.

"Petra, sweetie, you know the people outside are dangerous, right? They only want to hurt you. I do what I have to because I love you. But the people out there only care about themselves."

Grabbing the medical kit from the bathroom, he stopped in the kitchen to get the requested beer before returning to Daddy's chair, kneeling in front of him.

"I know, Daddy. But-" he started to carefully clean the cuts on Daddy's feet, "-you always say I need to prepare to be a good wife... who'm I gonna be a wife to, Daddy? If I don't ever go out, cus the people outside are dangerous and all that."

"Don't worry about that. I'll find you a husband. You just have to be worth it." He reminded her, watching her clean his feet. 

"You could always be my wife." He teased, wiggling his toes on her shoulder. "This bunkers a little small for another person, isn't it? And you think another man would share you with me? Or you expecting me to date? Or just be lonely?" He pulled a face, looking at her sadly. "You want your dear Daddy to be lonely?"

Higgs felt a coldness in his chest as he clenched his jaw slightly. "I wouldn't want you to be lonely, no..." he murmured quietly, carefully bandaging his Daddy's feet now, focusing solely on what he was doing instead of the disgust and the fear settling in his stomach.

It was exactly as he thought, even if he had tried to believe Sam.  
His Daddy was never letting him out of here. Why would he, when Higgs could just keep coming back to life no matter what Daddy did to him? ...and he could never kill _himself_ , because he would also still come back.

"There's lots of pretty women out there, but none of them are as beautiful as you." He hummed, patting his lap. "Come up here and sit. Let's see those pins I got you."

...those words sounded so much sweeter, much more genuine from Sam.

All the same, Higgs finished taking care of his Daddy's feet before putting the medical stuff away and climbing up onto the man's lap. "They're really pretty! I really love them~"

"Yeah? I'm glad. You deserve pretty things. Maybe I should get you some clothes to match?" He hummed, touching the pins in her hair. 

He'd kill that porter if he found another gift from the little pervert. 

Time passed without much drama. Daddy was decently good to his girl, using her when he was bored, going out a bit more frequently. He was getting comfortable.

"Baby, you're getting old enough, you need to learn how to place orders. Come here, let me show you."

In the middle of dishes when Daddy called to him, Higgs dries his hands off and bounced over excitedly.

"I get to do the ordering?" He asked, a bubbly excitement to his voice when he made it to Daddy's side.

It had been a little while since he had gotten to see Sam last, despite Daddy going out more - he always seemed to time it around the orders, like he didn't want to leave his little thing home alone while the porter came.

"Yep. Look, ok?" He pulled her up on his lap, showing her how to go into the supply requests. "We don't change our orders, so you just click duplicate last order. You can even pick your porters. I don't much like that kid, but this one never cracks the bottles or helps himself to the protein. So, we pick him and send it." He explained, showing her how to do other orders and request other supplies. 

"Got it? Now, you have to ask me before requesting stuff. This isn't for you to abuse, got me? But I'm going to be working on a bunker for a few days. So you'll need to put our request in for next time, ok?"

Higgs looked up at his Daddy, blinking. "You're going to be gone...?" He furrowed his brow before nodding, looking to the terminal. "Which day should I put it in for?" He asked, swiping through the UI screens to practice a little, not putting any orders actually in, but just practicing the duplication of their previous orders.

"I got it, I can do it!" He grinned, looking happily up at his Daddy.

"Good girl." He kissed her cheek, resting his hand on her leg. "Gonna give daddy a proper goodbye later, hmm?" He hummed in her ear. "You've been such a good girl, I'll make it feel good for both of us..." he whispered, getting himself worked up.

He felt a sick warmth bubble up in his chest as he leaned back against his Daddy, nodding.

"However you want, Daddy. You know I'll do anything you want."

I'll be good, for you, for a little while longer.

"Such a good girl..." he breathed, doing exactly what he'd said.

When it was time for him to go, he set Petra in his chair, getting himself dressed and heading out. "I'll be back in a week. Don't forget to place the order."

Despite Daddy saying he was going to make it feel good, it was still a lot, and it still _fucking hurt_ so much. Curling in Daddy's chair with a blanket, Higgs nodded.

"Be safe out there, Daddy. I'll see you again soon," he hummed quietly, dark stains from his tears down his cheeks.

He waited about a day after Daddy left before placing the order, making sure to request Sam.

'♡ H' was how he signed the order request.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam came up to the bunker, sending a ping at the terminal to let Higgs know he was there. He set his pack down, waiting a minute for her to answer. 

He hoped he'd see the kid again. He'd brought her a book he'd been able to trade for and some other candies.

Hearing the ping, Higgs wrapped his blanket around himself to hide the bites, the bruises, the handprints in his skin.

Smiling, he opened the door and peeked out.

"Heya Sammy," he called, waddling out of the door, keeping it open with one of his feet. "Hey! You look different!"

Sam smiled slightly, reaching his hand up to run along his short hair. "Yeah, had to cut it. No soap out here, so my hair was getting itchy." He explained, looking her over, the smile falling from his face. 

"Should I come back later? Looks like... I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" He was ready to bolt, didn't want to get caught by Higgs' dad. 

He wasn't doing anything, had no bad intentions, but he didn't want to make anything worse for Higgs.

"Daddy's gone for a week, it's just me in here," he glanced into the bunker, almost expecting his Daddy's voice to come yelling from within for him to get his ass back inside.

"If you want, you... you could come in and take a shower," he murmured, looking down at his bare feet. "You could even stay this time, at least a night and get some proper rest in a bed..."

Sam looked around before nodding. "Yeah, if that's ok with you. I'd appreciate that." He smiled. "Oh wait! I'll make the delivery." He went to the terminal to finish the job before going back to the door. 

"Ready?"

Nodding, Higgs led Sam inside, hugging his blanket tighter to himself as he turned to look at Sam.

"Shower's over there and... you can sleep in my room. Daddy sleeps on his chair," he murmured, pointing towards the rooms as he mentioned them.

"...how have you been?"

"Does the shower have a curtain? You can sit in there with me if you want." He offered, a little worried about how dejected Higgs seemed. 

"Can I wash my clothes here too?" He asked hopefully. "I brought you some gifts by the way. Thought you might like something new to read." He offered, not sure if he should ask, but–

"Are you alright?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

"No, there's no curtain," he murmured, feeling warmth in his cheeks. "But I could sit outside the door and talk to you through the door," he added with a slight shrug, still holding tightly to the blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

"I can wash your clothes for you - I always wash Daddy's clothes for him, so I know how to wash them properly."

He pointedly ignored the question about how he was, instead shuffling across to the bathroom, his blanket trailing behind him.

"You don't have to do that. Would you like a shower first?" He asked, not sure what to do. He was almost sure she wasn't wearing anything under the blanket and didn't know what to say. 

"I'd appreciate it if you did, though." He frowned, not actually knowing how to do his own wash. "I'm... kinda useless when it comes to taking care of myself."

"I'd... rather not," he murmured, not wanting to release the blanket from around him while Sam was standing there and looking at him like that.

"Anyway, you get in there and give me your clothes and I'll get them washed for you while you wash yourself," he hummed, putting on a smile as he waved Sam to the bathroom. "For right now, my bunker is your bunker. Whatever you need, don't hesitate to ask."

Sam frowned, going to the bathroom and undressing himself. "I wouldn't breathe around those." He teased lightly, handing them out, mostly hiding behind the door. 

"Can I use any of these towels?" He asked, watching her take his clothes.

He was very careful as he took Sam's clothes, but the blanket slipped a little, revealing the dark bruises on his neck and across his clavicle.

He quickly readjusted himself and nodded, scurrying away from the door, feeling the heat of embarrassment and shame in his cheeks.  
"Any except the red one, okay?" He called, now that he was away from the door, away from Sam.

He let the blanket fall off of himself, deciding to wash it with Sam's things.

Sam frowned, getting into the shower. He washed himself, grabbing a towel and wrapping himself in it when he was finished. 

"Higgs?" He called, coming out of the bathroom.

"In the kitchen!"

Higgs was humming quietly to himself as he did the wash, kneeling on the floor.  
His back was covered with healing cuts and bruises, scratches and welts alike. There were handprint bruises on his hips, his thighs, and at his neck. Bite mark bruises littered his shoulders and his chest, a few across his clavicle as well.

This was normal, for him. Daddy liked when he did his chores this way after leaving marks, because Daddy liked the way they looked on Higgs' skin.  
For a moment, getting lost in doing the wash, he forgot he wasn't alone, and that the man in the bunker with him wasn't his Daddy.

Sam came out, freezing when he saw her little body, abuse written across her skin. Deep scars and current bruises, hand shaped marks where no grown man should ever be touching a child. 

Bite marks and whatever else some of it seemed to be– he just felt sick. 

"Higgs...?" Sam breathed, his voice not able to be any louder. He could feel the anger bubbling in his chest. He wanted to grab her amd take her so far away they wouldn't be able to find her.

Still humming, Higgs turned around with an expectant smile on his face but it dropped immediately when he saw the look on Sam's face.

Sam.

His heart stopped in his chest a moment, his breath catching as he looked around for something to wrap around himself, to hide–  
but he'd already seen. There wasn't anything to hide, now.

"...w-was your shower good?" He asked, turning his attention back to the washing, trying to play like nothing was wrong, like everything was fine.  
He was fine.

"Higgs..." Sam breathed again, moving to kneel next to her. "Why didn't you tell me it was this bad? What does he do to you?" He asked, looking over her skin sadly. 

She was more scarred than he was. And yet, the little one just played it off. "You don't have to be brave all the time you know..."

He felt his eyes brim with those dark tears, making his vision go a little blurry. He wiped at them stubbornly, shaking his head.

"How could I tell you? I didn't... I couldn't put that on you - you're just..." he shook his head, pressing the balls of his palms into his eyes to try stopping the tears from flooding down his cheeks, but the black sticky liquid flowed freely anyway.

"He loves me, and he does it because he loves me - that's what he always says..." his voice trembled as he seemed to curl in on himself, still kneeling on the kitchen floor.

Sam rested his hand on Higgs' back, rubbing soothing circles into her skin. "You're... Higgs... you can tell me whatever you need to. And I'll try and help..." he frowned, looking him over, terrified by the violence he couldn't even imagine. 

"But this isn't love... whatever he does to you... it can't be..." he frowned, wrapping his arms around her. "And if it is... he's sick, Higgs..."

Higgs buried his face against Sam as he sobbed softly, releasing all the tension his body had held trying to keep it all in, to not cry.

"I haven't told him, yet. Haven't told him my name– _Higgs_ ," he murmured, his voice muffled. "I don't want to, because I don't want him to ruin it, like he ruined the compliment you paid me, and the pins and clips you gave me..." he murmured. "He said there were lots of pretty women in the world, but none are as beautiful as me," he made a bit of a face, pulling away from Sam to try finishing the wash.

"...I don't think I'll ever get out of here, Sammy..."

"What do you mean you haven't told him your name?" Sam asked, confused by that.

"I'll get you out of here, Higgs. Just give me a little time, ok? I'll start getting some supplies ready for you. You can wait for a delivery and I'll activate the terminal and you can let me in. I'll take care of him." He frowned, realizing he would kill someone for Higgs. 

"Look at me, Higgs please." He waited until she was looking at him, placing his hand gently on her shoulder. "I'll get you out of here. I promise."

"Higgs isn't the name on our information for the bunker - you never noticed?" He smiled a little, tilting his head a bit as he looked Sam over carefully, finding himself wondering how he got so lucky to meet this man.

Of all the porters to have found him that day, he was glad it was Sam.

"Before my mama died, she named me Petra. Daddy blames me for his little sister passing, and I mean, well... me being born is what killed her, so, I deserve his blame," Higgs shrugged, satisfied with the state of Sam's clothes, and his own blanket. "Anyway I... I don't feel like a Petra. I feel like a Higgs. Like me. ...does that make sense...?"

"Makes sense to me." He agreed, not arguing with him. "Its not the worst chosen name. I know a guy that works with my mom named Die-Hardman, so Higgs is a fairly normal name." He teased lightly, trying to cheer her up.

Wait. 

"So... do you feel like a little girl? Or a boy?" He asked curiously. "I know you probably don't know many of either but..."

A little laugh bubbled out of him. " _Die-Hardman_? At least I'm not that crazy, I guess," he snickered, pulling Sam's clothes out to go hang them to dry.

"Mm... well, I'm not really sure?" He threw a glance behind him at Sam, forgetting his own state of undress again. "Daddy treats me like a woman, and I don't have the same parts so I can't really be a boy but.." he furrowed his brow, shrugging. "I guess I feel like a little of both?"

Sam shrugged, looking them over now. "You can be whatever you feel." He said, carefully, knowing he wasn't an expert here, but he didn't care what Higgs felt as long as he was happy, he'd respect him.

"I just don't want to call you a girl if you're not a girl. Parts really don't matter in this. Just depends on what you want."

Tilting his head a little, Higgs hung up Sam's clothes and his blanket before shuffling back to the kitchen.

"I want to make a change, too. Like you did," he hummed, digging in the drawers for- "Ah-ha!" He grinned, pulling a rather nice knife from the drawer. It was curved like a claw and had a golden coating over the blade.

"I wanna cut my hair," he said firmly, turning back to face Sam, knife folded but outstretched in his hand towards Sam. "Can you help me?"

Sam smiled slightly, nodding. "Yeah, alright. You got a broom?" He asked, sitting down on the floor, cross legged on the towel. 

He patted the floor in front of him, taking the knife out of their hand. "How short do you want it? Or should we just work our way up to whatever makes you happy?"

"I like the second option, because I'm not sure how short I want it. Definitely not as short as yours, sorry," he giggled, sitting down and leaning back to look at Sam upside down. He beamed, reaching back to poke Sam's forehead.

"I got real mad at Daddy, because when he came home the last time, I guess he passed by you? He said you were ugly!" Higgs huffed, puffing his cheeks out a little in his anger, crossing his arms. "He's obviously going blind, because you're not ugly at all!"

"Well... with my hair this short, I'm a little ugly." He teased, glad to see Higgs smiling again. 

"I'm not ugly? Do you think I'm pretty?" He asked, cutting of a piece of hair and putting it on top of his own head. He continued on like that before they started to fall.

Higgs rolled his eyes. "You were prettier with your longer hair, but hair grows back - you'll be pretty again in no time," he giggled, bouncing his legs as he sat cross legged - so it looked like he was trying to fly away.

"You're not ugly now, though, just cus you cut all your hair off. ...I'm not going to be ugly just cus I have my hair cut off, am I?" His voice held a bit of anxiety with his question before he huffed, waving his hand in the air. "If I do look ugly, maybe Daddy will keep from touching me for a while."

"I'm sure you're not going to look ugly, Higgs. Don't think you could, even if you were bald." Sam hummed, stopping just above their shoulders. "Want to go take a look?" He asked, folding the knife back up.

"And hey! I thought you said I wasn't ugly with short hair!" He playfully shouted, putting on a bit of a pout.

Higgs scurried to the bathroom, hopping up to look at himself in the mirror, touching his hair, playing with it a little as he smiled, feeling s warmth in his heart.

..he also realized then that he was still naked.

Cheeks red, he rushed to his room and pulled on a long shirt, the material falling down to his knees and hanging off one shoulder. It was better than nothing.  
Grabbing the tin with his pins and clips, he scurried back to the bathroom to decorate his new hair style, smiling even brighter when he got it to a way he enjoyed.

"I love it!" He exclaimed, skipping out of the bathroom to stand there, arms spread. He twirled in a circle, giggling. "Thank you Sammy, you handsome short haired man!" He snickered.

Sam laughed, crossing his arms. He was glad to make Higgs so happy. "You're just saying that." He snorted, holding his hands out to them. 

"Come here, let me get a better look at those pins." He shook all the loose hair off his own head. "You might want to shower and wash those hairs off your neck. They'll get itchy."

"In a little while," he hummed, shuffling over to Sam to take the man's hands, beaming. His mismatched eyes shown with his joy as he blew a puff of air at Sam's head, blowing away any other excess loose hairs away.

"Dummy, you're gonna be itchy now too. Gonna have to shower again to get it off you," he huffed, reaching up to touch his own hair. "Does it... does it look okay?"

"You look amazing." Sam smiled, reaching up and pushing the hair behind their ear. "Very cute. I'm glad you like the pins." He hummed, tapping one of the bigger plastic ones.

"They're from you - course I love em," he hummed, his cheeks warm. "Oh! Anyway, I could make some food if you want something to eat, or I can go clear off my bed and you can get some sleep!" He smiled, absently touching the shortness of his hair.

Daddy was going to KILL him, for sure.

"What do you want? You think you want a nap?" He asked, letting Higgs decide. "Oh! I'll give you your book. You can read while I take a nap." He offered, going back to his pouch.

"Ooh~ Okay! I'll probably finish reading before you finish sleeping, though," he warned with a little bit of a smirk. "I'll try not to bother you when I've finished reading," he added, rocking back and forth on his feet, hands behind his back.

It was obvious he was trying to look all innocent, but that mischievous glimmer in his eyes gave that away.  
"I'll stay in Daddy's chair while you sleep."

Sam saw the look, not quite sure what it meant, though he was sure his bag would almost definitely be raided for sweets by the time he woke up. 

"Alright. You can wake me up after a little while though. I don't want to sleep all day." He squinted, looking Higgs over.

Higgs beamed, all faux innocent like and shooed Sam to the bedroom, waiting just outside until he was sure Sam had fallen asleep before returning to the other room to start reading the book Sam brought for him.

He was expecting something like what he was used to - something about physics, about space and aeronautics, about the Death Stranding, anything like that.

...what he was not expecting however was a handsome rogue named Stefan, courting and making sweet love to the princess of this made up land.

By the time Higgs had finished the book, his cheeks were burning a bright red and he was laying back in Daddy's chair. He shouted some nonsense and threw the book away from himself, covering his face with his hands.

Sam stirred at the sound of shouting, pulling the blanket up around himself better and rolling, but still managing to stay asleep. He was having quite the lovely nap in the first real bed since he'd left home.

Did Sam KNOW what he brought? Did he have any clue at all? Was this some kind of trick or a joke or... or had he mixed up the books and this was his travel book and there was another book for Higgs in that pack of his?

Sitting up a little, Higgs glanced towards the pack, and then towards Sam in his bed.

"Saaaaaaaaaaam!!"

Sam startled awake at the sound of his name being shouted like that. "What!?" He asked, sitting up and looking around. "Huh?" He asked, remembering where he was, seeing Higgs looking at him through the open door.

His cheeks were bright red as he blinked at Sam in his bed.

"...did you even look at the book that you brought?" He asked curiously, trying to sound as nonchalant about it as possible but honestly! How do you stay calm about having just read something like that!

They were very detailed about Stefan and the Princess and their... _relations._

Sam blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes. "I looked at it. It was the only book that was still together. Why? Was it missing pages?" He asked, scrubbing his hands over his face, trying to wake himself up.

"What's wrong?" He asked, seeing the look on Higgs' face. "What did I do?"

Higgs grumbled and flopped back in Daddy's chair, covering his face again.

"...'oh Stefan, if we do this, if I give myself wholly unto you, my father will surely send the knights after you! he will want your head on a golden plate!'" Higgs lowered his voice a bit for the next part, "'You can have my head on your golden plate whenever you like, Princess, only say the word and your wish is my command. Your father and his men do not scare me, for our bond is stronger than the steel of their swords!'"

Sam blinked, not understanding. "What's so wrong with that? That's what you're upset about?" He asked yawning and falling back on the bed, stretching. He was thinking about it with a light blush. 

Did Higgs see themself as the princess? Wouldn't be a bad thing. He did promise to get them out of here.

"They fuck after that, Sam! In great detail. Would you like me to describe Stefan's dick to you, or would you like to know about the way the moonlight caresses over the curves of the princess' milky breasts?"

His cheeks burned even brighter now, the tips of his ears a bright red.

Sam sat up again, eyes wide and looking over at Higgs. "I... WHAT!?" he snapped his attention down to the book. "Shit! Higgs I swear I didn't... You read that!?" He gasped, one shock after the next.

Higgs covered his face. "It's a curse! Once I start reading I can't stop! I need to know what comes next!" He whined, rolling around on the chair, flailing his legs about as he did so, still covering his heated face with his hands.

"Plus, you got it for me! I'd feel- if I didn't read it then it would just- it would've been a waste..."

"Give me that! You can't keep that!" He blushed brightly, holding out his hand. And what was he going to do about it? Read it? Toss it into a crater lake? 

...probably read it to see what the fuss was about... and because he had no idea what fucking was like. He just knew it sounded complicated and complicated seemed boring. 

"You're too young for that! You... I'm an idiot!" He put his burning face in his hands, too embarassed to look at Higgs.

"I have more experience than this book, Sam," Higgs replied, deadpan as he shimmied from the chair to collect the book that he'd thrown away from himself.

"Re-gift it to me when you think I'm old enough for it, will you?" He hummed, handing the book to Sam with a bit of a smirk, his face still bright red and heated, his heart beating like crazy.

"It was a good read, despite not being what I expected."

Sam rubbed his hand across his face, feeling like an idiot. "I'll read it and give it back if it's not too awful... but that's the last time I give you a book without reading it first!" He groaned, trying to get the heat out of his cheeks at just the little bit Higgs had told him.

He couldn't help the grin as he looked up at Sam, that smirk widening. "Really? You're going to read it?" He asked, wiggling his hips a little in excitement - he was still only wearing that long shirt.  
"Don't get yourself into any trouble now, while you're out there reading that," he hummed, biting his lip.

"Anyway! Rest of your clothes should be good to go, if you want em right now anyway. Otherwise I could... make food? So you can eat something before you surely have to set out again and leave me here on my own."

With the thoughts of that book, no less.

Sam sighed heavily, tucking the book under his arm. "Yes please... I want my clothes." He huffed, moving to get out of bed, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. 

"And I'll be back with supplies, so don't make me feel like I'm abandoning you." He breathed a laugh, poking Higgs on their nose. 

"I'm not sure I should eat your food. Most preppers count their rations. Your dad would know I was here if I do."

"He knows I have to eat while he's gone, Sam," Higgs rolled his eyes. "I'll just eat a little less one of the other days while he's gone and he won't notice a thing, honest," he hummed, smiling at Sam as he gave him the rest of his clean and dry clothes.

"Did you sleep well, for the bit that you did? Seemed like you slept pretty hard... probably because you were in a bed for once."

"Yeah, I did. Very comfortable, I really do appreciate you letting me use your bed." Sam smiled, taking his clothes. 

He turned away, awkwardly trying to keep the blanket on his shoulders while he got his pants on. 

"And if you're willing to share, I won't say no. I'd like the company anyway." He smiled, folding the blanket up to put his shirt on.

Relaxing, Higgs nodded and scurried to the kitchen to start making up food for the two of them to share. He made up the plates, giving Sam more on his than on his own plate, same as he did for Daddy.

"Alright! Foods on then!" He grinned, moving to his room so they could sit and eat in cozy company.

"What sorts of places have you been to recently?"

Sam sat down, taking the plate from Higgs. He noticed the difference on the plates, wondering if Higgs ever went hungry. 

"I've been out to the city this way." He said and pointed. "Its smaller than the one I lived in, but they all look the same if you ask me." He sighed, shaking his head. "I hate going into the cities. Always make me feel like they're gonna grab me and send me home..." he looked down at his plate, starting to eat. He was going to leave a small portion, give it to the kid if he was still hungry. 

"I've been to the farms. They grow wheat there and they try and use the timefall to make more food. Sometimes it gets taller than me... and when you walk through it, all you can hear is the wind. It's like the rest of the world doesn't exist." He breathed, knowing that may be one of his favorite feelings.

"So what I'm hearing is that when I get the hell out of here, I should avoid the cities for a little while, but definitely go explore the farms?" He grinned, eating his food in between talking to Sam.

"Anywhere I go, I wanna be able to see those stars again..."

 _With you, if at all possible_ , he thought to himself, feeling his cheeks warm a little.

"Always. Just look up." Sam smiled, reaching out and giving Higgs' knee a squeeze. 

"I'm going to get you out of here. I promise. Look at me. I promise. Give me another few weeks." He looked him over, his eyes making sure Higgs understood. 

Sam would have to figure out where the closest incinerator was. He couldn't let him pop, but he couldn't let him live either. Higgs would never be really free if his dad was still around.

Higgs looked at Sam, searching his face before nodding, putting on a smile. "I can handle a few weeks," he hummed quietly, because of course he could. He would have to, one way or another.

Sam wouldn't forget about him - didn't see like he would, anyway. He had come back each time before when he had left, so... surely he would come back to get him out of here.

"...thank you, Sam," he murmured quietly, finishing up his food.

"Want the rest of that?" He asked, pointing to the bit left over on his own plate. "I don't eat much these days." He smiled, looking to Higgs. 

"You'll need your energy for when we go. I won't be able you carry you both."

Blinking and furrowing his brow, Higgs glanced to the extra food on Sam's plate.  
"I... are you sure?" He asked, eyeing the extra bit as his stomach grumbled hungrily. "And... you're going to carry my Daddy..?"

Sam nodded, handing the plate over. "Eat up." He hummed, smiling sadly at the hungry look on the kids eyes. 

First things they'd have to get something to eat. 

"Don't worry about that part. I'll take care of everything."

"Sam... you barely know me, you know. Think I'm allowed to worry a little, cus this is all... a lot to be hoping for from you," Higgs sighed, eating Sam's last little bit of food. "All I've ever known is the inside of this bunker, and what Daddy would let me learn, what he would teach me. Least I can take care of myself and you better than you could on your own, but... but I'd still be a burden, out there."

"Don't worry about that part either. I might have an idea about that. But you can't stay here, Higgs. And I can't leave you here." Sam frowned, looking around the bunker. It had no right to seem as nice as it did.

"You're the only person I've ever known, Higgs. My only friend. I can't leave you here knowing what happens to you."

"I've been living with Daddy my whole life," Higgs shrugged, finishing the rest of his food. "None of this is extremely new territory, but... I guess it's nice to know that this isn't the norm. That out there, people won't look at me and touch me the way he does. I won't get locked in a box until Daddy is in need of someone to do the dishes and other chores..."

Higgs looked down at his plate, chewing the inside of his cheek. "Have you kept count of how many times you've died, Sam?"

Sam shook his head. "No. Never wanted to keep count. It was more often as a kid, when they.... No, I don't keep count." He frowned his stomach starting to feel heavy at the thought.

"You have?" He asked, wanting to listen. How much does Higgs have to say but no ones listened?

"I can't keep track of day and night and how much time has passed... I don't even know how old I am because it's not like Daddy keeps track," Higgs poked at his plate absently, pausing a moment to just focus on anything but his words.

"I've died and come back from that other place 1,443 times. Most of those times were because of being in the box and suffocating. I'd wake up in the box and would suffocate all over again, over and over and over..."

Sam grabbed Higgs arm, needing him to stop. His throat felt like it would close, suffocating him. 

Killing the man would be easy, he decided. 

"Not any more. Never again."

He looked up at Sam, smiling sadly. "You can't promise I won't die again, Sammy. Big world out there and I've died enough that I'm sure not going to be careful out there. I'm gonna jump into everything assuming I'll die and be pleasantly surprised when I don't."

He shrugged, giving Sam's hand on his arm a gentle squeeze before bringing the plates to the kitchen.  
"I get hurt too much or too scraped up, all I gotta do is die and come back fresh as a fuckin daisy."

"You don't have to though... it's not... I don't want your life to mean that little to you." Sam breathed, for a moment forgetting he was talking to an actual child. 

"It should just be a back up plan... even our deaths can cause terrible things to happen it there. And it hurts so much..." he got up, following Higgs. 

"I just... you don't have to needlessly die."

The concept of 'needlessly dying' was as foreign a concept to Higgs as the outside world and all the amazing and curious things in it, and that was obvious by the bewildered look on his face.

"It's not needless if it resets my body," he reasoned, shrugging as he turned to wash the dishes. "There's always reasons for dying - but it's mainly to make quick work of healing injuries that would take far too long to fix."

"That's why you just have to be careful. Take care of yourself." He explained, a little upset someone could raise a child like this. 

"Hey... I should get going. I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. And there's a lot I'll have to get if we're doing this."

Pausing in washing the dishes, Higgs turned a sad look at Sam, his shoulders slumping. "You could never overstay your welcome," he murmured, but dried off his hands anyway. "But...I understand. I'll see you next time! I'm glad you stayed with me for a little while this time. I enjoyed your company. ...and your weird book."

Sam felt his face heat up, blushing bright red again at the mention of the book he took back. "It was an accident! I swear!" He groaned, turning and going to get his stuff together and back on.

Higgs giggled happily and trailed after Sam, watching him out all his gear back on and shoulder his pack.

"Yeah yeah - next time read more than the cover!" He snickered, stepping closer to Sam, hesitantly grabbing the man's hand. "...be careful out there, Sammy, okay?"

"You be careful too." Sam took Higgs' hand, squeezing it. He bent down, pulling the kid onto a hug.

"Four weeks, max. We'll get you out of here. I'll have a plan." He breathed, still holding him tightly.

"That means nothing to me, in terms of time and all. But... 4 deliveries, I think? Daddy usually says he orders once per week," Higgs nodded, nuzzling himself against Sam before daring to press a quick kiss to his cheek.

"Go! Hurry up before I beg you to just take me with you now, or to just stay."

Sam grinned, pushing a kiss to Higgs' forehead before messing with his hair. "You look good by the way." He hummed, attaching all his bags and whatnot. 

"I'll see you soon. 4 deliveries. They might not all be me. I'll ping the terminal twice when it is, alright?" He started up the stairs.

Higgs watched Sam from the doorway, a numb sadness settling into his chest as he watched him disappear into the landscape before shutting the door.

He finished doing the dishes and did some of Daddy's washing before curling up in the chair, pulling the blanket around himself to try getting some sleep.

He dreamt of Stefan - who looked curiously like a particularly porter, but with longer hair. He dreamt that he was the princess, and Stefan was there to rescue him, to whisk him away to far off lands.

It was the first good dream he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> fun times ahead - and I don't mean like Stefan and the Princess' fun times!


	3. Chapter 3

When Daddy came home, it was suspiciously quiet. He looked around, finding his daughter sleeping in his chair. 

"Did you miss me that much, baby girl?" He asked, reaching out and running his hand through her hair. He did it again when his fingers came free sooner than they should have. 

He grabbed a handful and pulled her up. "What the fuck did you do!? What did you do to yourself!?" He growled, pulling her out of the chair by her hair.

Higgs was dragged from sleep at the sharp pain in his scalp from the man pulling at his hair. A sharp yelp pulled from his lips as he squirmed in Daddy's grip.

"I cut it! I cut my hair!" He shouted, trying to smack at Daddy's arm to get him to let go. "I cut it off!"

"Why would you do that!? Look at yourself!" Daddy growled, tossing her down. "It looks so bad... why would you do that?" He shouted, looking her over. Her hair was in a state of bed head, making it look worse than it was.

"What possessed you to do that!? Without my permission?"

"I wanted to cut it! I hated it! I–" Higgs felt his eyes water, hating how sensitive he always felt when it came to Daddy's words.

"...it didn't look bad when I cut it! I looked cute!" He felt himself automatically curl up, almost preparing for some sort of punishment.  
Reaching his hands up to his hair, he ran his own fingers through it. "I knew you would say no, but I really wanted to cut it, Daddy..."

He frowned. He personally hated short hair. "Come here. You want short hair? You want to look like a little boy!?" He growled, grabbing Petra by the hair again to drag her to the kitchen. 

"Is this what you want?" He growled, taking out the scissors and cutting off more of her hair, closer to her head. 

"There! You ugly little faggot! Is that what you wanted!? No one is going to want you now!"

Higgs struggled against his Daddy as he was dragged into the kitchen, tears dripping down his cheeks as more of his hair was cut.

"I am a little boy!" He exclaimed, clenching his hands as he tried to pull away from Daddy. "I'm Higgs Monaghan! And I'm a little boy if I wanna be!" He added, feeling the stickiness of his tears on his cheeks, staining his skin. "And no one has to want me except me!"

"You're never going to be a little boy! Want me to show you that you're a girl!? A disgusting, nasty girl!" He hissed, pulling her up on the counter, slamming her down face first on the hard surface. 

"You're a girl, Petra. Someday, you'll be a woman and you'll be mine." He huffed in her ear, making use of her. "Until I find a way to get rid of you, you're mine!"

Higgs sobbed and dug his hands against the counter, reaching for anything, for purchase somewhere. When his fingertips brushed against the scissors that Daddy had put down, his heart stuttered and a burning red took over his vision. He took up the scissors and slashed away at anything he could reach with his little arms, stabbing and slashing and cutting and not stopping until he felt warmth pooling over his back and bathing him.  
He didn't stop until Daddy did.

His breath caught, his own heart stuttering in his chest as the realization of what he'd done hit him.

Sam hadn't even been gone long.  
4 weeks, he'd said. 4 weeks he wanted Higgs to wait, to be careful and be good and now...

Now what? Now what could he do?  
Stay here and just wait? Wait for the next delivery time?  
Hide Daddy's body, because Sam had said he wasn't sure he would be the one to come everytime?

Wriggling himself free, he pushed Daddy to the ground, his vision going blurry as he looked at him, a rage building inside him. With a loud cry, he plunged the scissors into Daddy's body a few more times, for good measure, or for the relieving feeling it gave his brain.

He was dead.  
He couldn't come back.  
Higgs was finally free. Really free.

After a few minutes the blood stopped pooling out from the body, growing still and cold and sticky. 

Higgs collapsed on the floor beside his Daddy, black tears streaming down his cheeks and mixing with the blood splatter on his face. He sat there for so long, just staring at what he had done, staring at Daddy's body, almost waiting for him to wake up, just as Higgs had done numerous times.

In a few hours the body started to grow stiff as a board. 

He forced himself up, ending up pacing the kitchen and the rest of the bunker, his own body still splattered with Daddy's now dried blood, as he tried to figure out what to do next.

A shower might be good, but he didn't dare, in case waking up from dying actually took longer than he thought it did and Daddy was yet to wake up...

By morning the smell had started. 

He didn't sleep. Couldn't bring himself to. After pacing for a while, his legs had given out beneath him and he sat just outside of the kitchen, watching the body of his Daddy.

By the afternoon of the next day Daddy's skin had started to turn black around the wounds. 

Everytime Higgs closed his eyes, he could hear Daddy shouting at him, could feel the pain in his scalp from his hair being pulled, could feel the hard cold surface of the counter smashed into his face.  
He didn't regret it.  
...or maybe he did?  
He... he still wasn't sure what to feel, how to feel.

By that next night, small little flecks of black and gold started to rise up out of the body, gathering above it on the ceiling of the bunker, a shape like a hand reaching down for it.

The passage of time meant nothing to Higgs, his body numb and his mind far too jumbled and panicked to understand. He had curled up on the floor just outside the kitchen, unable to allow himself to leave the area, not trusting that somehow, Daddy would wake up.

When the sun had finally come up again, the body started to shake, having turned almost completely black except for the face. The face had begun to turn golden, the bones in the face rising to the shape of a skull.

When Daddy's body started shaking and spasming on the floor in the kitchen, Higgs knew he had to make a decision. He couldn't do this on his own and there was only one person in the world that knew what to do.  
He forced himself up and went to the terminal, putting in the Urgent pick up request for Sam Porter.  
'I'm so sorry' was the note attached to the order as he sent it.

Would the message make it to him before whatever was happening with Daddy was over? He couldn't be sure. He had no clue about what dying was like for anyone else besides himself.

Sam was standing at a terminal when the order came through. He saw the words Urgent and the name of Higgs' father. 

He read the message, making a run for it as soon as he could.

Coming up on the familiar bunker, he could sense the chiralium in the air. He looked around, desperately searching for signs of BTs. 

"HIGGS!? HIGGS!" He called as he got closer to the bunker, the door already open for him. 

He ran down the stairs, the familiar sound of a body about to pop filling his ears. 

"Fuck! Higgs!? Where are you!? We have to go!" 

That thing couldn't touch either of them or the whole area would be gone. They'd have to run.

Higgs was sitting in the kitchen again, his mismatched eyes wide and staring at what was happening in front of him. His own little body was trembling, his fear keeping him frozen there on the ground.

"S-Sam!" He called, his voice shaking as much as he was, tears bubbling in his eyes again.

He could feel it, the raw power in the air. Could taste the bitterness of the chiralium, though he didn't know what it was exactly, or why he could taste it so clearly.

"Sam, please!" He called, gripping the door of the cabinet behind him, forcibly tearing his gaze away from the billowing black and gold particles, the tendrils of darkness reaching out in all directions. "I'm scared..." he whimpered, feeling stupid and awful and if anything happened to Sam this was all his fault.

He shouldn't have killed Daddy, shouldn't have blown up like he did. Should have just taken it...

Sam hurried over and reached his hand out. He'd have to pull him over the body. "It'll be ok! I promise, but we have to go!" 

He grabbed a hold of the door way. "Come on Higgs! I need you to be brave now, please." His own eyes were watering, his chiral allergy acting up at all the particles in the air.

"Take my hand and don't look at him, ok? We're gonna get you out of here."

Trembling still, Higgs looked to Sam and quickly took his hand, damn near jumping into his arms to get away from the body about to pop.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry..." he whimpered quietly as he clung to Sam, burying his face against Sam's chest.

They were in trouble, big trouble. Even not knowing exactly what was happening, he could suss out that much at least. ...and it was all his fault.

Sam pulled Higgs tight to his chest, making a run for it. The kid was heavy when fear weighed them both down. He got them both out of the bunker, hearing the horrible gasping and groaning sound of the BT coming through. 

But they were out of its reach. It would be attached to the body until it could rot. With the door to the bunker closed, it would be fine.

He ran for a while longer, his body forcing him to just keep moving. After running for what felt like forever, he finally slowed to catch his breath. 

"Still with me?" He asked, looking down at the small boy in his arms.

Looking up with black streaks down his cheeks, Higgs nodded, still trembling and still clutching tightly to Sam.

"I'm sorry..." he breathed again, burying his face against Sam's chest again. "I...I couldn't take it anymore..." he breathed, feeling like he could still somehow cry and keep on crying.

_Cry-baby..._

"That could've gotten really bad and it was all my fault... I should have just been good and waited like you asked me to. Waited the 4 deliveries..."

How many deaths would he have endured if he had waited, though? How many punishments? How many times of Daddy whispering how he loved his 'good girl'?

Sam bounced Higgs just a little, readjusting the way he was holding him. "Shh...its ok. We'll figure it out, alright?" He reassured, running his hand along Higgs' head, feeling the soft short hair. 

"For now, let's get you in my jump suit. It'll be a tight squeeze, and well have to share, but I don't want to risk you getting rained on." He felt his face pull tight. 

He had no idea what to do. No clue where to bring him. Where they could both be safe. "I got you now, yeah? You're going to be safe with me. You don't have to go back there." 

He set Higgs down on the grass, realizing the kid barely even had any clothes. He unzipped his suit, readjusting the straps on his pack. He lifted him up getting him to curl against his chest, zipping him in.

"...he hated my hair. Called me ugly. Called me a faggot. Cut the rest off and then told me I'd never be a little boy and that he'd show me I was a girl, show me that I'd become a woman and be his," he muttered, curling himself close against the warmth that radiated from Sam.

It was rather cozy inside of his jumpsuit, actually, despite it being rather a tight fit.

"I just got so mad, cus I was so tired of him doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted... I couldn't stop, and it felt-" his breath caught, remembering the high, floaty feeling that reached his brain as he had stabbed Daddy, over and over.

"I'm free from him, now, but I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble..." he murmured, absently kneading his hand in Sam's undershirt, slightly dozing off.  
He hadn't slept since he'd murdered his Daddy.

Sam frowned, wrapping his arms around his chest, holding Higgs tight to him. "You're no trouble. We'll just need to be quick on our feet." He reassured, giving him a pat through the suit. He started walking again. 

"There's an older couple a little ways from here. They let me in out of the rain sometimes. Maybe they'll let you get cleaned up and somewhere to sleep." He sighed, heading in that direction, walking quietly. It was slow moving, having to balance him, not wanting to stir him much, but they'd be fine. 

"Just so you know, I think your hair looks good like this too. We look like twins." He teased, looking down into his suit. "Even if you think I look like shit with my hair short."

"You were prettier with it longer, that doesn't mean I think it looks like shit now!" Higgs huffed sleepily, gently whacking Sam's chest with the hand not clutching at his undershirt, kneading it like a contented kitten.  
"But... I'm glad it looks okay. Mine. He was just cutting it any old way so I wasn't sure if he was actually even trying to make it okay..." he murmured, his speech getting slower, more slurred as his eyelids drifted closed.

His little body was exhausted from the stress and trauma of the past two days, only feeling truly safe and comforted now that he was so close to Sam again.

"So... was that a BT? The black tendril-y thing?"

"I don't actually know what they look like. I can't see them, only sense 'em when they're around." Sam explained, enjoying the feeling of Higgs' hand against his chest.

"Get some sleep. We'll get to where we're going soon." He whispered, being extra careful. Especially because he had such precious cargo. 

He knew if he could at least get a body bag, he'd be able to safely transport Higgs. Maybe send him into the city or something.

"Mmm..." he fought sleep for a little while, but the heaviness in his eyelids eventually won and he felt himself drift off, his grip on Sam's shirt loosening, the kneading slowing down before stopping altogether.

He didn't wake up for a little while, finally pulling from sleep as his dream took an awful, traumatic turn.

His grip tightened in Sam's undershirt instantly, his mismatched eyes suddenly wide and alert.  
"Sam?"

"Shh... we're almost there." Sam reassured, looking down at Higgs. He was exhausted. He knew the minute he sat down at their terminal, he'd probably fall asleep. 

But he had to get Higgs somewhere safe. He could see the scanners for the bunker coming up. Once he actived the terminal and asked for help it was a couple minutes before the door opened, letting them both in. 

"They're nice, Higgs. I promise. Old, so neither can hurt you. We'll stay just long enough for you to get cleaned up, alright?"

Despite his promising words, Higgs curled up against Sam, making himself as small as he possibly could, keeping all his vital places covered and protected.

Marta smiled kindly, her eyes crinkling at the edges as she welcomed Sam into the bunker, calling to her Stephen. "Sam Porter is here, Stephen!" She called over her shoulder, turning to smile again at Sam. "What can we help you with, dear? Need a quick place to take a rest, do you? You know that couch has your name on it whenever you're in need my boy."

Higgs squirmed in Sam's jumpsuit, and the movement caught Marta's eye. "What have you got there Sam, dear?"

Sam unzipped the jumpsuit, still cradling Higgs against his chest, not really wanting to let go.

"Found him. He was running away from something and I wanted to help him... please... can he just wash up? We'll rest and I promise we won't be any bother." He begged, his eyes exhausted and desperate. He could even sleep on the floor of the bathroom if Higgs didn't want him to go far.

"Oh! ...the poor little dear..." she breathed, looking over Higgs before looking back up to Sam, giving him a nod. "You know where everything is sweetheart. Take your time getting yourselves together. I'll have Stephen whip something up for all of us to eat, how's that sound?" She smiled, that hint of sadness still in her eyes as she glanced to Higgs again, who was clinging ever so desperately to Sam's undershirt.  
Silently, he was begging Sam not to leave him.

Sam looked down, giving Higgs a warm smile. He carried him to the bathroom, adjusting him and getting him out of the jumpsuit. 

"Is it ok if I stay in here with you? I won't look. We can take turns showering." He offered, sliding out of his jumpsuit and getting down to his underclothes. "You can wear my shirt when you get out. It's long enough to cover you." He offered, taking it off and setting it to the side.

Higgs looked up at Sam before nodding, taking his hand carefully. "I prefer you to stay, yes please," he murmured quietly, pausing a moment before getting the current long shirt off of himself so he could step into the shower.

Warm water cascading over his aching, sticky body felt just so damn good. He could literally fall asleep here if Sam let him.

Sam sat on the floor, still holding Higgs' hand as he drifted in and out. He listened to the water turn off, forcing his eyes open to look at Higgs.

"All done?" He asked, handing a towel over to him. "My turn? Still want to hold my hand?"

"That'll make it difficult for you to clean yourself though, won't it...?" He asked quietly, despite not making even the slightest move to take his hand back from Sam, or allow him to have his hand back either.

He wrapped himself in the offered towel, feeling at least warm and somewhat clean, despite feeling... bad. Overly he just felt like he was bad.

"You seemed to manage. I should he fine." Sam shrugged, stepping into the shower before pushing his pants off, one handed was a bit of a struggle, but he got it. 

He held Higgs' hand as he quickly bathed. Stepping out and quickly grabbing a towel to wrap around himself. 

"Come on, let's get your shirt on. You wear the shirt, don't think the pants would fit you... also don't think they'd much like me walking around like that, what do you think?" He asked, taking care of Higgs before himself.

He giggled quietly, cheeks a little red - whether from the warmth of the water, the scrubbing at the blood and black tears, or embarrassment, it was unclear.

"You might give the poor woman a heart attack," he chuckled, taking the shirt offered to him, only releasing Sam's hand so he could pull the shirt on.  
It was like a short dress, but it worked better than nothing, at the very least.

"...thank you for everything, Sam... I'll never be able to repay you for all you're doing for me..."

"You don't have to, Higgs." Sam said simply, pulling his pants on. "You've already given me plenty. And now I have a friend." He smiled over at Higgs, lifting him up, holding him as he left the bathroom. 

"Thank you... and sorry about the mess. I think we should probably recycle your old shirt. Don't think those stains will come out, what do you think?" He asked, handing over the dirty towels and Higgs' shirt.

Marta smiled gently at the pair, taking the items and recycling them for Sam. "Why don't you two go take a seat. Stephen has the food on and it should nearly be finished. Then we can all share a meal together. It's been a while hasn't it Sam?" She hummed, flitting to the kitchen to go check on Stephen, who was humming to himself as he glided so easily around the kitchen.

"...they're very nice..." Higgs breathed, a look of confusion passing through his eyes. "...but... I don't understand... I was told that everyone was dangerous, always out to get you, hurt you..."

Sam frowned, sitting on the couch with Higgs in his lap, still not ready to be too far from him just yet. 

"No way. Most people are scared, but super nice as long as you're nice back. You can't trust everyone, but... there's a lot of people out here that just want to help each other." He explained, yawning and resting his head back. 

"I didn't hurt you, right? I bring them packages, and sometimes they give me a place to sleep."

"You can't sleep yet, Sammy!" Higgs huffed, leaning back against the other boy, poking at his jaw repetitively, just enough to be obnoxious and keep Sam awake, hopefully. "They're making food for us - it's rude not to eat it, that much I know!" He huffed, keeping his voice down.

There was a lot, it seemed, that Daddy had told him just to keep him from leaving their bunker. Already, Sam was disproving quite a bit of those things...

"We sleep after we eat!" He hummed, nuzzling himself against Sam, happy that he wanted him close, because Sam's warmth and his solid presence was the only thing keeping Higgs from breaking down again.

"Alright alright..." Sam rubbed his face, trying to rub the sleep out of it. 

He lifted Higgs, carrying him to the kitchen and sitting down at the table with him still sat in his lap. 

"If you're not careful, that boy's going to forget he has feet." Stephen teased, portioning food out for them and setting it and some drinks out on the table.

Higgs giggled, swinging his feet a little since they dangled from the chair between Sam's legs.  
"I know I have feet! How could I forget about them?"

Marta smiled, something of a happy little twinkle in her eyes as they all sat together for food. She gave Sam and Higgs an extra serving of food.  
"Growing boys need to eat up. Full tummies can help you sleep better sometimes, too."

Higgs ate happily, damn near melting at the delicious flavor Stephen got into his food that Higgs had never tasted or managed for his own cooking before.

"This is so yummy! Thank you!"

Sam smiled, resting his head against Higgs' shoulder as he ate his own meal. He took his time eating, not wanting to be rude, but it was the only thing he'd ate since Higgs cooked for him.

Once he finished, he held onto Higgs, just resting his head on him, eyes shut. The sound of his own snoring spooked him awake, looking around with pink cheeks. 

"Sorry..." he hummed, looking down at Higgs, seeing he was finished eating. "I'll do the dishes, it's the least I can do for everything."

Marta, Stephen and Higgs all laughed a little when Sam jumped awake, startled by his own snore. The boy in his lap reached up to touch Sam's face, smiling at him and the redness of his embarrassment there.

"Worry about that after you've gotten some actual rest, don't want you falling asleep and breaking all my plates," Stephen said with a soft laugh, shooing Sam and Higgs from the table. "You go ahead and use that spare room and get some sleep, you hear me? Don't you even think about doing any work until you're both well rested."

Marta smiled and got up, leading Sam and Higgs to the spare room. "If you need anything else, don't you hesitate to ask sweetheart."

Sam was still pretty embarrassed about falling asleep at the table as he was ushered out to the spare bedroom. 

"You gonna be alright if I get some sleep? You don't have to go anywhere..." he asked Higgs, still holding on to him. "We can share, right?"

Nodding, Higgs' cheeks flushed a little as they climbed into the bed together. Marta turned the light out and left them to get some rest.

In the darkness of the unfamiliar room, Higgs curled tightly against Sam, squeezing his eyes closed as he held to the other boy's shirt.

Sam pulled Higgs close once the light was off, holding him tight to his chest, resting his chin on the top of his head. 

Sam was almost instantly asleep, exhausted from the running and stress. His sleep was dreamless for the most part, only towards the end of the night did be start to dream about what could have happened to Higgs if he hadn't gotten there when he did.

For the most part, the warmth of Sam's body against his own, holding him so close, helped Higgs to sleep soundly without a worry about his typical nightmares.

Instead, his mind conjured up the image of Stefan again, and himself as the Princess. He dreamt of the pair of them whispering sweet nothings to each other as they lay without clothes.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam jumped awake from his dream, pulling Higgs closer and fussing over him as he let himself settle back down. 

He closed his eyes, wondering what the hell he was going to do. He couldn't bring Higgs out there in this condition. He barely had enough food for one of them let alone both. And then there was the matter of sleeping arrangements. He couldn't let the poor kid sleep in caves and on the ground. 

He had to figure something out... and that something probably involved going home.

Higgs stirred, soft little cooing sounds tumbling from him before he yawned all big, showing off those sharp canines as he stretched out again Sam.

"Sammy?" He hummed quietly, rubbing at his eyes as he snuggled close to the other boy. "Did you sleep okay?" He asked quietly, his voice still bogged down with the sleep he hadn't fully shaken.

Sam relaxed at the sound of Higgs' voice, wrapping his arms around him. "I slept pretty good. Did you?" He asked, reaching up to cradle his head. 

"How are you feeling? You alright?" He asked, dreading to have to ask him to stay here. He'd make it worth the lovely couple's time, but he couldn't let Higgs out there like this.

His whole little body shook as another big yawn wracked his body, nuzzling under Sam's chin.  
"Mm... still sleepy I think, but I slept okay," he hummed, absently running his fingers over Sam's skin, drawing nonsense pictures into it. "When do we have to leave? Can we just lay here a bit longer before going back out?"

Sam frowned, looking Higgs over. "Higgs.... I need you to trust me, alright?" He chewed his lip. "If they'll let me... I'm going to have to come back. You can't go out there with nothing to wear." He frowned, running his hand along his little arm. 

"Promise I'll come back for you. And I'll take you wherever you want to go."

Higgs tensed up slightly as he realized what Sam was saying. That he'd have to stay here, while Sam went out and left him again. He'd be stuck in yet another fucking bunker, underground and trapped, while he waited for Sam to come rescue him.

"But... but I could just hide in your jumpsuit again! Or... or I... I don't know..." he dug his fingers into Sam's chest, kneading his skin anxiously. "I don't want to be alone again, I don't want to be stuck... Sammy please... I'll be good, I promise! I'll do whatever you tell me to, whatever you ask, okay?"

Sam frowned, thisbwas harder than he thought it would be. "I know. I know, you're so good. But please, I need you to do this. You can wait for me outside if you want. I'll be back just after the sun goes down." He reassured, cupping Higgs' cheek.

"I promise. I promise I'll never leave you behind anywhere. I will always come back for you." He looked into his little blue eyes. "Do you believe me?"

He felt his eyes watering a bit as he looked up at Sam, fingers still kneading at Sam's skin as he nodded slowly.  
"You've always come back for me, so... so I believe you," he murmured quietly, even if a tiny part of his brain thought that this time would be different.  
Sam wouldn't feel bad or guilty for him anymore since he wasn't trapped with Daddy, so maybe he would think about just abandoning him here.

Squeezing his eyes closed, he shook that thought away, knowing it wasn't true. It couldn't be. Sam was good.

"I'll sit outside and wait for you to come back."

Sam smiled sweetly. "You know, I'm sure Marta would love to fuss over you a bit, if you'd let her." He offered. "With all her attention on you, I'll be back before you realize I'm gone. Maybe she'll even make you some socks." He hummed, trying to distract Higgs from the idea of being outside.

"They won't keep you here. You'll be able to go outside. They might not let you leave without me, but that's for the best."

"No! I don't want to be stuck inside anymore!" Higgs exclaimed, pushing away from Sam, rolling off the bed. He sprawled out on the floor, staring up at the steel sky, same as the one he had escaped from.

"I'll be good, while you're gone, but I don't want to stay trapped in here. I don't want to see these fuckin ceilings anymore - they're all the same," he breathed, clutching the borrowed shirt that was clothing his body.  
"I'll believe you, and trust you, that you'll come back, but I... I just really don't want to stay down here."

Sam felt his heart ache, nodding in agreement. "Alright, Higgs. Whatever you want." He got up, kneeling next to him. "But promise me something. You'll wait in the bunker's overhang. You'll go in if it starts to rain or get cold, or if you see a porter that isn't me, alright? I don't think they'll hurt you, but... I don't want anyone taking you from me." He rested his hand on Higgs' tummy. 

"Just be careful, ok? These people are old, you can't just go around dying on them, yeah?"

"I promise..." he murmured quietly, looking up at Sam. "I'll wait in the overhang and go inside if it rains, gets cold, or another porter comes by," he sighed, touching his fingertips to the hand on his tummy.

He liked the warmth that Sam just seemed to constantly be radiating. It was soothing, despite his being a bit upset.

"....and I'll keep from dying in front of them," he added with a grumble.

They stayed like that for a little bit until Marta knocked on the door to check on them. "You boys doing alright?"

Sam rolled his eyes at Higgs before looking up. "He's just a little dramatic." He smirked, tickling Higgs' tummy a moment, turning his full attention to Marta. "Can I ask another favor? I promise I'll pay you back for all this. Can you keep an eye on him? I... I can't take him out with nothing to wear. The city near here has clothes and... and transport bags... I'll be able to keep him safe in one of those." He explained, rubbing small circles on Higgs' belly. It was mostly to keep himself calm. 

"I won't be gone long. Through the night at most, but... but I will be back and then we'll be out of your hair. And he promises not to cause too much trouble."

The little old woman chuckled softly, nodding. "After all the excellent deliveries you've provided for us, Sam dear, there's no way I could say no to helping you out a little," she hummed, stepping into the room to look down at the little boy on the ground.

"You poor dear... you'll be nice and safe here while you wait for Sam to come back. I will even have Stephen make some more food. Maybe we can get a little meat on your bones," she chuckled, noticing the scars and such littering the little boy's skin, same as Sam.

These poor boys... Her heart broke for them, wishing she could do more than help in just these small ways.  
"We made up a little thing for you for your travels, Sam, so you be sure and take it before you head out to get what you need for this little one here."

Sam blinked up, looking up from where he was fussing over Higgs. "You made something for me?" He asked, sitting up, feeling a little excited. 

"Guess I should get going, don't want to keep everyone waiting." He hummed, pushing himself up and offering his hand to help Higgs too.

Higgs hopped up with Sam's help and followed him out of the room, Marta following along behind them.

She made her way to the little pack that she and Stephen had put together for Sam. There was extra foods, a spare full canteen, and some socks she had had waiting for him the next time he stopped by anyway.  
"Now, you better be careful and safe out there, Sam. After all, you've got this little one looking forward to your return." She smiled down at Higgs, wanting to scoop him up and hold him, but deciding she better not.

She had no idea of the things he had been through, so it was a safer bet to keep a little distance.

Sam got himself suited up, kneeling down and holding his arms out. "Give me hugs before I go." He hummed, giving him a tight squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. 

He headed out, each step feeling worse than the last. He worried Higgs wouldn't trust him. Terrified he wouldn't be there when he got back.

The little boy threw himself at Sam, hugging him so tight and giving him a kiss on the cheek too, smiling sadly at Sam.  
"Be safe, okay! You gotta come back safe..." he murmured, stepping back to let Sam go, watching him disappear into the distance. He stood in the overhang, watching him disappear.

Marta came up behind him, gently resting a hand on the boy's shoulder. "He always comes back, love. Always in such good condition, too, so don't you worry."

It was nice seeing a spark of life in Sam's eyes, seeing him love and care for someone. In all the time she had known the boy, he seemed so sad and so lonely.

Sam damn near killed himself making sure he was back before he said. He certainly killed his account getting things for Higgs. So much of it was unnecessary, but he wanted the boy to feel special. He wanted to give him everything he never had. 

He came up to the bunker, feeling a sense of dread when he didn't see Higgs waiting around for him. He pinged the terminal, asking to be let in.

Marta greeted Sam at the open door, a smile on her face as she put a finger to her lips. "Little one fell asleep waiting for you out there so I've got him all set up on the couch," she hummed, ushering Sam in from the cool night air.  
"I wasn't expecting you back so soon, dear. Did everything go alright?" She asked, still making sure to keep her voice down, trying not to wake the peacefully sleeping Higgs.

Stephen was sitting on the couch beside the boy, also sleeping, his head leaned back, a book in his hands.

Sam smiled, looking over at them. "Yeah, it went fine. Didn't want to keep him waiting." He smiled, glad to see Higgs so comfortable. 

"Your delivery is on me this time. It's the only way I can really thank you for all this." He smiled, setting everything down in the entry way. 

"He wasn't too much trouble, was he?" He asked hopefully, taking off his suit and starting to sort everything he'd brought.

"He was a bit distressed at first, but he wasn't any trouble at all, no," she smiled, looking across to her partner, so comfortably snoozing with the little boy beside him.

"You and he are welcome here anytime you need it, Sam, really. So don't you dare cover our delivery," she smiled, turning her attention back towards him. "You both should stay one more night. Get another good meal in his little tummy - yours too - and then I'll be comfortable letting you both head out. Sound good?"

Sam felt himself relax at the offer. "Thank you."

He at least knew Higgs wouldn't leave hungry. That was his big fear. He wouldn't have what he needed for the both of them, but Higgs would never go without, that much he did know.

"I think I went a little overboard with the stuff, but I didn't want him to need anything... I have no idea what I'm doing... I'm scared I won't be enough for him..." he looked up at the older woman, his lips tightly pressed together.

Her smile was sympathetic as she reached out to him, cupping his chin. "Honey, you're doing your best for him and he'll know that. He'll see it. He's a smart boy, you know," she hummed, patting his cheek. "And if it ever gets too much for you alone, you both can come stay with us any time. I know Stephen enjoys the company as much as I do."

Sam turned to watch Higgs and Stephen sleeping on the couch. "Thank you so much... I know he doesn't want to be in a bunker but... it's dangerous out there. It's not as scary because he's like me, but... I don't want him to have to die." He breathed, realizing he was oversharing. He shook his head, turning back to making himself busy with unpacking. 

"If you both ever need anything, I'll help. You know that. Anything at all. I don't even care if it's washing the roof of your bunker." He looked down at his hands, feeling exhausted and knowing it was going to get worse.

She chuckled, shaking her head. "Sam, breathe honey. Why don't you go sit down too, hm? Get off your feet. You can finish all your unpacking and rearranging after you've rested a little," she hummed, making her way to the kitchen. "I know my cooking isn't near as good as Stephen's, but I'll whip up some supper so we can eat after they wake up."

Sam nodded, setting everything to the side. He got up from where he was kneeling, wrapping his arms around her in a gentle hug. 

It was the first time he'd ever willingly touched anyone other than Higgs in years. "Thank you... you have no idea how grateful I am. And how much this probably means to him, too." He sighed, letting go, following her into the kitchen.

"It's been a long time since Stephen and I have had someone in this bunker, other than each other, to care for. This is as much for the two of you as it is for the two of us," she hummed, starting on some food. "Stephen and I have always wanted children of our own, but-" she paused, glancing towards the two on the couch. "He's like the little one, you see," she smiles, giving Sam a knowing look before finishing cooking.

Sam blinked, taking him a minute to understand. "Oh! Oh, I didn't... does Higgs know?" He asked, shifting awkwardly. He was sure this wasn't polite conversation. 

"I... I think it would really mean a lot to him to know there's other people like him." He looked over to the couch, seeing him all sprawled out and comfortable. "That's... none of my business, is it..." he frowned, blushing brightly, looking down at his hands.

"Oh my dear, Stephen doesn't mind. He loves spreading the knowledge that people like him survived just like the rest of us," she chuckled. "I think that's why they're so comfortable there together - they had a heart-to-heart chat and I wasn't invited to it," she laughed happily, plating up the food.

"Be a dear and go wake them, will you love?"

"How rude." Sam shook his head, getting himself up and going to wake Higgs. He sat down on the couch, pulling him into his lap and hugging him tightly before tickling his sides.

"You gonna sleep all day, lazy bones?"

Higgs whined softly when he was moved, but he nearly jumped when his sleepy brain realized who it was.  
"Sammy!" He exclaimed, sitting up to throw his arms around Sam's neck, hugging him. "You came back early! ...or I slept a really long time with Stephen..." he murmured, glancing towards the other man, gently shoving his shoulder as he still hugged Sam.

"Were you safe? You didn't do anything crazy to come back so quick, did you?"

"Only a little." Sam hummed happily, wrapping his arms around Higgs, holding him close. "Why don't you wake your friend up? It's time to eat." He hummed, letting him go.

"After we eat you can see what I got you." He bribed, getting up and tossing Higgs back onto the couch. "Not really anything fun this time, but you'll get over it." He smiled, going to the kitchen and waiting for him to follow.

Higgs giggled happily and bounced slightly on the couch before shaking Stephen awake, laughing when the man jumped slightly, chuckling himself.

Successful in his waking mission, the little one then hurried into the kitchen after Sam, a look of actual genuine happiness glittering in his mismatched eyes.

He excitedly and animatedly told Sam about the things he had been learning from Stephen about plants and these really awesome and intriguing things called mushrooms. He wanted to learn more about them, he had decided.

Sam listened, asking Higgs questions when he was able to get a word in, offering his own insight and experience. 

It was a huge change from the child he saw a few days ago to now, and he couldn't help feeling a little proud of himself for doing the right thing. Glad he got him out of there. 

He was also completely relieved at the joy he saw in the faces around him. They seemed genuinely happy to have the two of them there. No strings attached. No monitors or tests, no clipboards, or important papers he couldn't look at. No one was watching him like he was something to be studied.

He'd never felt so comfortable in his life and he had Higgs to thank for that.

The only moments Higgs stopped talking was when he had food in his mouth, and being that there was an actual decent amount of food to offer, Higgs ate quite a bit of it.

Marta and Stephen seemed to both rather enjoy the warmth that having the two boys brought into their bunker, but they both knew the boys would be wanting to move on from here.

Higgs was far too much a free spirit with a mind starving to learn everything he possibly could. Sam wasn't much better, usually seeming so tense being indoors.

Sam laughed, watching Higgs try, on several occasions, to talk with his mouth full. His cheeks hurt, face feeling numb at the feeling of just being so completely happy. 

He helped clean up just a bit before the two of them were sent out of the kitchen to get some sleep.

"Did you have a good day today?" He asked quietly, helping Higgs get into the bed, taking his socks off before joining him.

The little boy stretched and yawned, the motion stretching his whole face and lasting a bit long before he flopped back into the bed.

"I missed you, but I didn't notice it as bad as I thought I would. Stephen and Marta are both very nice, and very smart. They really like you, too," he hummed, scooting over so Sam could climb into the bed, only to curl up tightly against the bigger boy.

"Was your trip okay? I wish I could've gone with... but it was nice learning about lichens and fungi."

Sam smiled, wrapping his arms around Higgs, curling around him comfortably. "It was alright. Missed you and probably got you more than you needed, but at least you don't have to wait behind anymore." He hummed, looking forward to having a companion with him out there.

He giggled quietly, leaning into Sam a bit more, nodding. "That's what I'm looking forward to the most... not having to wait behind somewhere for you to come back. I can just go! Just be with you! Maybe I can even be a porter like you when I grow up more!"

"Noo... you don't want to be like that." Sam laughed, poking Higgs in the ribs. "You got brains, you don't want to be walking around out there in the cold like an idiot." He teased, running his hand along the short hair on the back of his head. 

"What are you gonna do when you get sick of me?" He asked quietly, feeling sleep creeping in.

"I'd far rather walk around out there than be stuck in some bunker waiting for you to come back for me, you should damn well know that by now," he sighed, burrowing himself against Sam, stealing his warmth.

"You'll get sick of me, before I ever get sick of you, I can promise you that," Higgs hummed as he drifted to sleep.

Sam shook his head. "I don't think I ever could..." he whispered after he thought Higgs had already fallen asleep. 

"I think I already love you too damm much for that..." he sighed, letting himself relax. He closed his eyes, letting himself drift to sleep as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for the long wait!  
> Mewsifer and I went to con this weekend and have been prepping for it all week!
> 
> We have started working on this one and another now that that is behind us, so! Without further ado!
> 
> An update~♡

Higgs didn't wake again until Marta knocked on the door in the morning.

"Boys," she called softly, chuckling when Higgs stretched out like a cat and peeked his head up over Sam's shoulder. "Hello little man, you hungry?" She asked quietly, not sure if she wanted to wake Sam if he was comfortable.

Sam groaned, stirring at the noise and pulling Higgs closer to him, rolling over and burying his face in the pillow. "Not yet..." he groaned, really enjoying his time able to sleep in a bed.

Higgs yelped, a bit trapped under Sam now, giggling softly.

"I'm okay for right now - I don't think he'd free me even if I asked," he snickered, nuzzling against Sam, feeling his eyelids slip closed again.

Smiling again - she felt she was doing quite a bit of that recently - Marta nodded and left, closing the door behind her. "A hopeless endeavour it seems - Sam's completely crushing poor little Higgs," she teased, returning to sit with Stephen, laying her head in his lap.

"He's a good boy, Sam, isn't he? We can trust them out there on their own?" Stephen asked, running his fingers along his wife's cheek. "You don't think he'd hurt that little one?" He asked, just wanting to be reassured. He didn't think he would, but he'd seen terrible things.

"He's a good boy, my love, really. He cares for little Higgs so much," she let her eyes close, that soft smile damn near permanent on her lips now. "From what I can gather, Sam rescued that little boy from somewhere terrible. I don't think he'd turn around and become the thing he rescued Higgs from. Not Sam... he's always been good to us," she nodded, reaching her hand up to brush against Stephen's.

Sam held tightly to Higgs, even in his sleep, afraid to let go. Afraid he'd be gone if he didn't hold on tight enough. Didn't keep him close.

With a soft huff, Higgs relaxed and got comfy under Sam's weight, not going back to sleep, but at least just being comfortable while he lay there, running his fingers through Sam's hair absently.  
He owed Sam his life, he sure as shit wasn't going to make the other boy wake up when he wasn't ready.

Sam woke slowly at the touches, being drawn out of sleep pleasantly. He opened his eyes, looking around before stretching and curling tighter around Higgs. 

"Am I squishing you?" He asked, still not moving.

Higgs shrugged his shoulders, a grin spreading his lips. "Nah," he hummed, still absently playing with Sam's short hair, missing it being longer.

Not that the short hair didn't, of course, also look nice on him.

"Damn..." he grinned, squeezing him tighter, wringing a squeak out of him. "How about now?" He teased, rolling over so he wasn't laying on the smaller boy anymore.

"That better?" He teased, looking over at him. "Did you try to wake me up earlier?"

The younger boy's cheeks were a little pink as he gently whapped Sam on the arm, trying to put on a pout.

"Marta came in offering food and you rolled over onto me to keep me from leaving!" He giggled, kissing Sam's cheek. "You said 'not yet...' all grumbly like, so how was I gonna try to force you up?"

"I'm bigger than you anyway." Sam teased, poking Higgs in the belly. "You're making it up. I don't remember any if that." He laughed, sitting up, stretching again. 

"Well, are you hungry then?"

"Marta will tell you I'm telling the truth!" He exclaimed, pouting and wriggling a bit. "I'm not a liar!" He huffed, head-butting Sam in the shoulder.

"...m' a little hungry, but I think that's just cus Marta's food is so dang good..."

Sam smiled, getting out of bed and tucking Higgs under his arm, carrying him out. "She is a good cook. Best food I've had outside of the city... maybe inside the city too." He hummed, leaving the room.

Higgs stretched his arms out in front of himself like he was flying, giggling happily.

"He's awake now!" He exclaimed, waving at Marta and Stephen, kicking his legs a bit

"Careful or I'll drop you." Sam snorted, tossing Higgs up and catching him to get a better hold of the wiggly boy.

"Good morning." He greeted them, tossing Higgs over his shoulder. "Aw dude, pull down your shirt, your whole butt is hanging out." He laughed, fixing Higgs' clothes for him before setting him down.

He squealed, wriggling again. "Not my fault!" He exclaimed, slapping at Sam's back. "You're the one throwin me all over!" He giggled.

Stephen turned, smiling at the boys coming from the bedroom. "Ah, look who finally rolled out of bed," he teased, keeping his voice down, Marta sleeping in his lap. "Did you sleep well?"

"Shh... " Sam smiled, pointing to the woman sleeping comfortably on the man's lap. He nodded with an warm smile, leading Higgs over and sitting on the floor by their feet. 

He vaguely wondered if this was how family was supposed to feel. He hoped he could keep this feeling alive for Higgs. He hoped he could keep that creeping despair that seemed to seep into the hearts of lonely porters at bay for Higgs. 

He hoped the two of them could be happy.

Humming to himself and putting a finger to his lips, Higgs giggled quietly, sprawling himself across Sam's lap.

"I know you probably want to get out of here and go on and start your adventure back in the open world, but... you mind staying until Marta wakes up again? We can have another meal together before you leave as well."

Higgs peeked up at Sam. "Do you have any orders you need to get delivered or is it okay?"

Sam shook his head, relaxing and resting his hand on Higgs chest. Right over his heart, feeling the calming beat of it. "We'll stay. I'll have to say thank you." He hummed, looking up at Stephen. 

"I couldn't have done this without the both of you. This means the world to me... you keeping Higgs safe. Keeping me safe." He looked down at the small boy in his lap, so many things he wanted to say swirling around in his head, none of them sounding good enough.

Higgs blinked up at Sam, smiling up at him to poke the older boy's nose.

Stephen smiled and nodded. "We're happy to help," he hummed, carding his fingers through Marta's hair soothingly. "I'm sure Marta has said so, but you both are welcome here whenever you need. We enjoy having your company, too."

Sam smiled, looking up at him happily. He wished he could stay like this forever. He knew they couldn't, but he hoped that someday, years down the road, he and Higgs could have a life like this. 

The two always seemed so happy with each other, content to share with him. He hoped that's how they could be. 

_Wait... what?_

It didn't take very long for Marta to stir awake and sit up, greeting the boys.  
"Breakfast before you set out on your big world journey, boys?" She hummed, climbing out of Stephen's lap.

He grabbed her hand, smiling. "Why don't we cook together this time, love," he hummed, and she nodded, tugging him to the kitchen.

Higgs draped himself dramatically across Sam's lap, bringing the back of his hand to his forehead like some of the pre-Stranding Greek artworks and statues.  
"They're so cute together, I might die from it all, Sammy."

Sam laughed at the show of dramatics, giving Higgs tummy a gentle pinch. "I'm sure you'll find a way to manage." He teased, not disagreeing with him at all. 

"They are though, aren't they? I really like them. Wish they were my family." He breathed a laugh, though saying it did kind of hurt.

Higgs blinked, sitting up a bit to grab Sam's chin. "They basically are our family," he hummed, shaking Sam's chin and then pushing it up and down, making him nod his head.  
"They like us and care about us and like our company. So... isn't that what chosen family is like?" He tilted his head so it was leaning against Sam's chest now.

Sam wrapped his arms around Higgs, sighing and shrugging. "I guess you could be right... are we a family now?" He asked, curious as to what the little boy thought about him. He hoped whatever it was, was good.

"Mmm... we could be, yeah. I mean, I love you - or well, it's what I think actual love should be? And not... not what Daddy thought love was," he sighed, leaning into Sam with a small little smile.  
"And that's kind of family, right?"

Sam blinked, hearing the words from Higgs. He pulled him a little closer, resting his head on his head. 

He wasn't sure if he'd ever heard _'I love you'_ from someone who wasn't trying to get something from him. 

He felt his hands shaking just a bit, pushing a soft kiss to the top of his head. 

"I love you too." He whispered, melting into the younger boy.

It wasn't said like Daddy ever said it. When Sam uttered those words, they were so soft and so sincere that Higgs damn near cried, feeling his dark tears welling in his eyes.

"Boys! Come and get breakfast!" Marta called from the other room.

Higgs brightened, quickly wiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands, grinning. "Food! C'mon Sammy!"

Sam let Higgs go, letting him run into the other room. He lingered a minute, holding onto the feeling of being loved. Feeling safe and comfortable. 

He worried about the day Higgs would change his mind. When he felt Sam was to controlling, too suffocating and left him too. He got up, trying not the think about that for now. Just trying to enjoy this feeling while it lasted.

Sam let Higgs go, letting him run into the other room. He lingered a minute, holding onto the feeling of being loved. Feeling safe and comfortable. 

He worried about the day Higgs would change his mind. When he felt Sam was too controlling, too suffocating and left him too. He got up, trying not the think about that for now. Just trying to enjoy this good feeling while it lasted.

Higgs climbed into the chair that he had claimed as his and grinned at Marta, dangling his feet from the chair.

"I know we're going to leave but... it's okay if we come back, right? We can visit! And I can bring you mushrooms that I find while Sam and I travel!" He beamed, looking up at Stephen as he set his breakfast plate in front of Higgs.

"Well, suppose that's up to Sam really. But we'll always be happy to see you both."

Sam went to his spot next to Higgs, looking at the other two, confused. "Whatever Higgs wants, as long as it's alright with you." He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He sat down, thanking them for the meal again as he sat, listening to Higgs go on about what he was hoping to see out on the world. He felt some of his fears melting away, glad to know that Stephen and Marta believed he could take care of Higgs. He was almost sure they wouldn't let him go if they didn't. 

"Can we bathe one last time too? It'll probably be a while before we can have hot water again." He warned Higgs.

"Of course - hot water is few and far between when you're out in the world," Stephen chuckled, collecting the plates when everyone was finished eating. Marta smiled and ruffled Higgs' hair.

"Go on, we'll clean up here, you boys clean up yourselves and come say goodbye before running out of here."

Sam smiled, leading Higgs to the shower. "Want me to go first? Or you? That way you can be dry when you put on your new clothes." He offered. "If I go first, I can get everything set up so we can leave after." 

He took a deep breath, shifting awkwardly. "You don't have to leave here, you know... you could stay." He offered, knowing he really didn't want to give him that option, but he would be safe here. He was sure he'd find happiness here too.

Higgs rolled his eyes, shoving Sam as he slipped out of the oversized shirt. "Yeah sure - escape one bunker just to stick myself in another," he huffed, grabbing a towel. "Cleanse yourself! So that I can be clean when I meet the big beautiful world out there, nice and formal like this time around."

"Without your whole butt hanging out this time?" He teased lightly, he stepped into the shower, washing himself up and switching out with Higgs.

He dried off, getting himself dressed, taking his shirt back and going out into the other room to get Higgs his clothes. 

"I really hope these fit..." he frowned, bringing them to him, waiting politely for him to change.

"Not my fault my whole butt was hangin out!" He called after Sam, giggling under the spray of the water. He washed himself, careful to get everywhere, even his intimate bits.

When he stepped out, there were clothes waiting for him. He dried off and slipped into the slightly oversized shirt and too long pants, giggling when he looked like he was swimming in his clothes. He sat down on the floor and rolled up the pant legs a little, so he wouldn't trip over the excess fabric.  
When he was satisfied, he pushed himself up and tugged on Sam's sleeve to get his attention.

"Better than fuckin butt ass naked! This okay?"

Sam snorted, laughing at the language, then laughing at the size. "You'll grow into it." He reasoned, looking Higgs over. 

"Now we really look alike." He teased, handing Higgs his socks and boots. "Want me to lace your boots?"

"I ain't no baby!" Higgs huffed, plopping himself down on the floor to pull the socks and boots on. Despite his defiant act, he struggled with lacing up the boots, furrowing his brow as he continued to struggle, his little pink tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in his concentration.

He was determined to get it right on his own - how embarrassing would it be to get it wrong after claiming he wasn't a baby?

Sam smiled, watching Higgs struggle a moment before sitting down and doing up his own boots in front of him. A secret way of showing him how to tie his boots.

"You should leave them a little loose. Your feet are going to get swollen at first." He warned, from learned experience. Like he was really going to let Higgs walk the whole way. 

"And I got you a sweater you should wear too."

Pausing in his struggling, Higgs watched Sam, trying to seem all nonchalant and secretive about it, oddly enough not realizing Sam was doing that purposefully for him.

After a couple more failed attempts, he finally got it, grinning happily as he tied them off. "There! I did it all on my own!" He grinned, wiggling his toes in the boots that felt heavy and odd to a boy that had never actually had shoes or boots before.

"You're gonna spoil me before I even leave this dang bunker, Sammy! Cut it out!" He giggled, pushing himself to his feet, wobbling a little.

"You did a good job of it too." Sam pointed out, kicking Higgs' boot with his own. "They're heavy, so your first few steps will feel a little weird." He smiled, watching him move around. 

"Here." He handed him the sweater and hat. Gloves too. Didn't want his hands to get cold. "Oh! And I got you a bag. You'll have to carry your own shit out here." He said, handing over a utility pouch.

That was bullshit. Sam would probably carry anything Higgs handed him, and he'd probably even carry the boy, too.

He slipped into the sweater - which was also quite a bit too big for him - and put the hat on his head. He giggled and 'geared up' just like he'd seen Sam do more than once, giving him a thumbs up when he was ready.

"Higgs Monaghan! Porter-in-training, reporting for service!" He beamed, and somewhere behind Sam there was a snap of a camera and a chuckle from Marta and Stephen.

Sam jumped at the flash, turning and blushing bright when he saw a camera in their hands. "Aw man... come on. Can't be taking pictures of me when he's over here looking so cute." He laughed, holding his arms out for Higgs. 

"Should we let them get one of us together? Maybe we can look at it when you're a proper porter?" He offered, hoping that would be ok. He never really had any pictures of himself that weren't family portraits where they had to sit nice for the picture.

Higgs was frozen in place, his mismatched blue eyes staring at the camera in Marta's hands. He'd only ever heard of those things-

Hurrying over to Sam - which was an effort in those heavy ass boots - he shook the older boy's arms, grinning excitedly. "That's a real life camera! Right? It takes pictures like the ones in the books!" He grinned, turning around to face Stephen and Marta.

"Alright then boys, smile for your future selves," Marta hummed, snapping a couple more pictures of the pair of boys.

Sam laughed, holding Higgs close. "Now we'll have to come back to get a copy of those pictures, right?" He smiled, patting Higgs on the shoulder. 

"We should get going. Come on, let's say bye." He smiled, pushing Higgs forward a bit, feeling a little shy himself. 

It had been a huge ask for them to take them in for the few days, but they seemed to take every moment in joy. There was no way he could ever thank them enough.

Stephen was the first to scoop Higgs up and squeeze the young boy tight. "Now, you make sure to find some good specimens out there and bring em back when you visit again with Sam so we can look them up together, you hear?"

Higgs grinned and nodded, giving Stephen a tight hug before reaching for Marta, who happily swooped him up next.

Stephen approached Sam, smiling. "I know you're not much for physical contact, so I'll just say you better stay safe out there. You come back on by any time, even if you haven't got an order for us. You know where to find us," he wanted to reach out, to hug Sam or shake his hand or pat his back - anything! But he knew what it was like to be touched when you wanted nothing to do with that sort of thing.

Sam shifted awkwardly before carefully wrapping his arms around the other man, holding on to him for a moment before letting go. "Thank you. We'll come back to visit. I couldn't deny him that." He gave a little smile, stepping back a bit, and holding his hand out for Higgs.

Stephen relaxed and nodded, still smiling as he and Marta walked the boys to the door of the bunker.

"Don't be strangers now."

Higgs ran out the door excitedly, spreading his arms as he twirled in the crisp, cool air. The sun was behind the clouds at the moment, but there wasn't any rain. He didn't make it more than a few feet before tripping over his heavy boots and falling flat on his face. He went still a moment before rolling over onto his back and laughing, kicking his limbs about all over.

"Sammy!! Sammy did you see that?!"

Sam was worried for a minute before laughing and shaking his head. "You really ate it there, didn't you?" He snorted, going and helping Higgs up. "Smaller steps dude, you'll get used to the boots."

The boy giggled and wiped the blood from his nose, grinning up at Sam.  
"How can I take smaller steps when I'm walking next to fuckin Bigfoot himself?!" He teased, nudging Sam a little.  
"Oh! Which way are we going? Are we gonna take an order?"

"Don't be rude or I'll leave you in the mountains." He teased, taking a deep breath and looking around. 

"Which way do you want to go first?" He asked, giving him a look. "I'm sure there's plenty of people everywhere who would like us to deliver some nice socks from our friends here. Want to check the terminal?"

Higgs bounced in his boots, a geeky little grin on his face as he nodded, making his way back to the terminal, taking smaller steps this time and only stumbling a little.

"We go where the orders take us! Travel with the wind and the land and give no flyin fucks!" He laughed, trying to reach the terminal to get it to work, but it wasn't like the terminal inside his and Daddy's bunker. "...How do you get it to work?"

Sam took his arm, holding his bracelet out to the terminal. "They don't work for just anyone. You have to be cleared through a company to be able to be a porter. Most people don't want just anyone carrying their shit around." He hummed, activating the terminal.

"Want to know a secret? You can't tell anyone."

With a slight pout on his face, Higgs crossed his arms, the sweater sleeves flopping uselessly as he did so.

"Who'm I gonna tell, Sammy? Ain't like I know anyone you don't," he stuck his tongue out at the older boy. "...but yeah! Tell me the secret, okay? I'll be good and won't breathe a word of it to no one or nothin."

"My real name isn't Sam Porter. I made the last name up. I didn't like who I was before, so I became someone new." Sam said, lifting Higgs up so he could see the terminal UI. 

"I made up my own name, then snuck in and gave myself clearance to be a porter. Figured I'd need a job out here where I could disappear if I wanted to."

Higgs turned slightly to look up at Sam, eyes wide and filled with wonder. "You did that?" He asked, his voice holding so much excitement. "You're even more amazing than I thought!" He laughed, wriggling up to peck a kiss to Sam's cheek before turning his attention to the terminal UI, looking over the orders available.

"Hey! That one has your name! You must be a good porter if people request you by name... Daddy liked that you never broke the bottles, but he thought you were ugly," Higgs rolled his eyes, grumbling.

Sam laughed a little, shaking his head. "Yeah, alot of the the guys usually say that. Their wives are usually a different story." He teased, selecting the order. "We'll have to go to the city to pick the order up. So, let's go like this..." he said, selecting a couple orders and planning a route. "And then we'll be able to do a few deliveries on our way to that one."

His cheeks felt warm suddenly and he lightly smacked Sam's arm. "Excuse you, I don't like being equated with his wife," Higgs huffed, though he found he wouldn't much mind being equated with-  
No, no. Stop that thought right there.

He focused instead on the orders Sam was picking, his eyes going a bit wide.  
"...whoa... but that's so much stuff! How much can you carry!?" Higgs asked, looking up at Sam and then looking over him rather carefully.

Sam did have nice muscles, actually, now that he took a moment to appreciate him.

Sam shrugged, looking over the order and taking it from the shelf. He loaded his pack up, letting Higgs watch. "Most of them are pretty small." He brushed off, getting everything arranged and putting his pack on. "Besides, I've always got you now when things get too heavy." He smirked, shoving him playfully.

"And I wasn't calling you his wife." He frowned, offering his hand over to Higgs. "And for the record... I'm sorry it had to be you to do it, but I'm not sorry he's dead." He said simply, wanting that to be said as he led Higgs away.

Higgs was quiet for a little while, no witty comeback or smartass remark as he held Sam's hand and followed beside him. His boots clomped awkwardly across the ground, but he was getting used to the feeling of weights on his feet. Like a whole new sort of prison out here in the big world.

He sighed, squeezing Sam's hand. "I... I have to be grown, sometimes. Have to stand on my own feet cus you can't always be my knight in crappy porter armor," he breathed, sounding far beyond his years. "...'sides, if anyone was killin Daddy, it had to be me. Was always gonna be me. He'd had it comin for a long while."

"I'm going to try and always be there for you. When I can." Sam frowned, holding his pack with his free hand, just to have something to hold on to. 

"Did... did it feel good? To kill him? I know you were scared but... I'm glad you're free. I'm glad I didn't take that from you."

It was something of a loaded question - Did it feel good to murder his Daddy?

The easy answer was _of course, yes_. _Yes_ , it felt so good to feel the man's life drain from him as his blood pooled. _Yes_ , it felt so good to be the one to steal the last breath from him after so long of being suffocated by him. _Yes_ , it felt so damn good to be fucking free.

...but also, _no_.  
Because he shouldn't have _had_ to kill him. It shouldn't have come to that.  
Also no, because killing someone wasn't supposed to feel as good as that had, was it?

"...It felt freeing," he replied carefully, the easiest, most truthful roundabout way of answering Sam's question. "I was scared he would come back, like I do, and he'd be even more angry at what I'd done... but he just laid there..."

Sam gave Higgs' hand a squeeze, not really sure how to handle something like this, but knowing they needed to talk about it. 

"He's gone. He can't come back. We saw his BT come through. We didn't get to cremate him, but he's buried now. You don't have to think about him anymore." He reminded, just trying to comfort him in some way. 

"If you want to talk about what happened, we can. Or we never have to mention it again. But you are free now. It's just me and you, and I'll do what I have to to keep you safe. I'll do my best not to make you feel trapped."

With another quiet nod, Higgs continued to hold Sam's hand as they made their way to the first delivery.

Nearly there, Higgs pulled Sam to a stop, his eyes wide as he looked around, on a sort of high alert.  
"Something's coming... do you feel it?" He asked in a hushed voice, his hairs standing on end, gooseflesh bumps all over his arms. He looked scared, panicked.

It smelled like the bunker, before Sam pulled him free and they escaped.  
Like that foreign substance that glittered, and those awful black drippy tendrils...

"BTs, I think. Can you smell it?"

Sam looked around, feeling that panic settling into his heart. " _Fuck_... shit shit shit..." he looked around, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. His skin started to prickle, goosebumps forming, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

"I can feel it... let's go a different way. There's no way we're going through. We'll come back... but if they eat us, the whole area is gone." He looked around, not sure what to do. 

Dying by BT _hurt_. Worse than anything else he'd ever felt and he would not put Higgs through that.

Higgs looked up at Sam, seeing the panic in his own body mirrored in Sam's eyes, in the way he was looking around for an out.

He gave Sam's hand a tug. "Go until it's not raining, right? No rain, no BTs?" He looked up at Sam, trying to calm the older boy down by also remaining calm. If they didn't move, the Timefall would reach them before BTs did.

"Not always..." Sam shook his head, looking around again for a land mark. "See that generator over there in the distance? The tall black thing? If we get separated, meet me there. Whatever you do, don't let them grab you." He frowned, trying to think. 

He pulled his strand off his waist, wrapping one end to his hand and giving the other end to Higgs to hold. "Only let go of this if you have to. If it gets worse, let me know." He frowned, looking Higgs over again. 

"I think your DOOMS level is higher than mine."

With an anxious little whimper, Higgs grabbed onto the strand and followed by Sam again, clenching his jaw.  
He knew the world was dangerous, because Daddy had always drilled that into his head that it was, but part of him had hoped that, since Daddy had lied about other things, that maybe he had lied about that, too.

"DOOMS? What's that?" he asked, trying to keep his mind focused on something, on anything. Anything other than the black wispy tendrils that were floating in the air not far from them.

_Don't look at it, don't look at it. Everything is fine._

"Do you see something? Keep your voice down." Sam asked, crouching and looking around hopelessly. He was desperate to find a way through this. 

_Rainbow... shit._

"Higgs, I'm going to need you to trust me and get in this bag." He frowned, unfolding the bag from his utility pouch. "It doesn't cover your face, you'll be able to breathe fine. I'm going to put you on my pack, and give you a couple things to hold on to." He frowned, consolidating and leaving things behind while Higgs got in the bag. 

He zipped him in, hooking him up and getting him onto his back. 

"Whatever happens, I need you to keep your voice down, ok? Hold your breath if you have to. I'll get us through this."

It was hard to keep from shaking when Sam was so clearly distressed. He was abandoning some of his cargo in favor of hauling Higgs on his back.

"We need to get me a jumpsuit," he breathed, shaking his head in the confines of the fucking body bag. He hated it - oh god he hated it.  
He felt so confined, despite his face being free, despite being able to breathe.  
His arms, his legs, he was trapped in one place, one position.

"Black creepy shadow behind you, Sam. It's hanging there in the air," he breathed, his voice quiet but trembling as he was.

He trusted Sam - obviously, of course he did. He would be crazy not to. ...but that didn't make this any easier. Didn't make him not fucking terrified of these things that clearly had Sam worried.

Sam took a few steps forward before turning, still walking backwards, pulling his hood up as he felt a drop of rain land in his hair. 

"Anything this way, kid?" He asked doing his best to keep his voice even. He was carefully stepping backwards, waiting for the rain to pick up. He listened to the sound of Higgs' breathing.

Higgs scanned the area with those pretty mismatched eyes of his, his breath hitching when one of those shadowy tendril beings manifested not too far from where they were. "It's a bit to my left," he breathed, clenching his fists inside of the body bag, his toes curling as well. The tension was a lot to handle, on top of his anxiety of being shoved in this damn bag...

_~~Deep breath baby girl, it'll all be over before you know it.~~ _

"Damn Higgs, you're gonna save my ass out here... save both of us." Sam whispered turning and crouching down to move quieter. 

He turned again, having Higgs repeat the process until that dreadful feeling let up, clear from where the BTs had been. Once they were, he made a run for it, putting as much distance from them and that area as he could. 

Once he stopped to catch his breath in the over hang of a cliff he turned, unlatching his pack off so Higgs could see him. 

It was still raining, but there was no longer an inverted rainbow anywhere to be seen. 

"You can't come out of there yet... but, you ok?"

Higgs' little face peeked out from the body bag and he squirmed in it slightly, looking up at Sam.  
"That was... really intense," he breathed, biting his lip. "Wherever we get to that can issue me a jumpsuit like yours, we need to get me one because you left so much stuff back there!" He seemed to deflate slightly, but it was difficult to tell in that bag.

"Then I could more easily direct us both through that kind of shit territory..." he added, thinking about those slimy, shadow tendril beings.  
BTs, Beached Things.  
Dead people, more or less.

"...are _you_ okay? You felt really tense through a lot of that, too. It wasn't just the general atmosphere..."

Sam shook his head. "Absolutley not. Maybe well get you some clothes so you don't have to be in the bag, but I'm not risking you getting pulled away." He said firmly, holding Higgs through the bag. 

"I've... caused an accidental voidout before. It was part of those stupid experiments I was part of... and I won't do it again. And you will not live through that pain."

"I'll live through anything - can't die, remember? Not in a way that matters or counts, anyway," Higgs huffed, resting himself forward and against Sam, letting his eyes drift closed.

"Anyway, how will having a porter jumpsuit get me pulled away? You can tie your dang strand around me if you gotta, but I'm too much of a burden if you have to put me in the bag to stay out the rain. I want to be useful to you, not a burden."

"You're not a burden! You were incredibly helpful, Higgs." Sam shook his head, feeling a flash of anger. "You're not a tool to be used! Even if you couldn't see them, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference, Higgs. You're my friend and I love you." He felt himself heat up in his anger, upset that Higgs thought of himself like that.

"So don't you dare think you're a burden to me. I'd drop everything just to save you."

Higgs felt his body warm and his eyes water slightly as he looked up at Sam. He could see that anger in his eyes, but it wasn't directed _at_ him, it was _for_ him.  
No one had ever been angry _for_ him before...

"I know you would, Sammy. I know you would, because you literally did..." he chewed his lip slightly, furrowing his brow a bit. "But... but you can't just drop all that cargo that someone surely needed, just to save me, all the time. You wouldn't be using me as a tool, I'd be offering myself to you. I want to do this. I want to help you, Sam."

"We're a unit now, Hjggs. You and me together, we have to help each other if we want to survive." Sam sighed, loading Higgs back up onto his bag.

"Just... for now I want you to stay warm and safe. Once you get a hang of your boots and walking in regular weather, then we can see about a jumpsuit, alright?" He bargained, not wanting him to get mad at him. He wanted him to know he was only doing this because he cared. Though he would never say those words to him.

Huffing, Higgs got comfy in that stupid body bag of his, as Sam hoisted him onto his back again.

"Fine, fine... but you gotta let me walk around a bit so that I can get used to my boots and walking in general!" He squirmed a little, grumbling. "I don't feel any BTs so it's safe to head out, right? You doing okay?"

Sam nodded, bouncing him around a bit while he got his pack situated. 

"I'll let you walk once it stops raining... probably." He huffed with a bit of a smirk. If he had his way, he'd always carry Higgs in that stupid bag. 

"Should let up soon. If you see the inverted rainbow it usually means BTs. Just had to catch my breath and check on you."

"So I should keep an eye out for the upside down thing, then," he hummed, watching the little alcove disappear as Sam started walking them away. It felt odd to be moving when his legs weren't even doing anything.

"What about those packages you left behind? Weren't they important? Shouldn't we try to go back for them when the area clears up?"

"When it clears up, but those bastards like to linger sometimes and I'm not messing with that." Sam shook his head, remembering a particularly bad experience he barely got away from. 

"We can get them on the trip back if no one else picks them up." He shrugged, not liking that idea much. It had been a while for him that a package had gone undelivered.

"You'd have been fine with all of that if you didn't have to worry about me," Higgs muttered quietly, feeling guilty, knowing that, if Sam got a bad review for these deliveries, it was his fault.

They traveled in silence for a little while, Higgs just watching the scenery as Sam did all the hard work.

"Oh! Oh Sam! Stop stop! I need out!" He exclaimed, spotting a pretty little specimen of Hericium erinaceus! "Mushroom!!" He added excitedly, wriggling on Sam's back.

"Huh? What?" Sam jumped, the noise after a long silence spooking him out of his day dreaming. He turned, looking around behind him.

"What? Why?" He asked, not seeing anything to look at.

Higgs yelped as he was shaken slightly with Sam spinning around.

"Stop! Stop turning around all over and just put me down you doof!" He giggled, wriggling in the body bag. "It's a mushroom! I want to grab it for Stephen! I promised him, remember? That I'd find mushrooms and show them to him."

He also just really wanted to get out of this fucking bag and breathe again, walk with his own legs again.

Sam laughed, unlatching his bag and setting Higgs free. "Go on then." he sighed, letting him out of the bag to do as he pleased. 

"Might be a good spot to rest anyway." He shrugged, stepping away to go pee. He had a vague thought that he probably should have brought extra toilet paper for Higgs.

Higgs scurried towards the white puffy mushroom, taking apart of it to put in the little bag he had on his hip. Smiling happily, Higgs made his way back over to where Sam was, his eyes going immediately to the fly agaric that... had that been there the whole time?! How had he missed that?!

"Hello you pretty thing!" Higgs hummed, getting down on his knees to inspect the the bright fungi. "How did I miss you?"

"HEY!" Sam shouted, turning away from Higgs quickly. "Are you trying to get peed on!? Come on kid!" He huffed, having to stop and shove himself back into his pants. 

Which was not comfortable, but was considerably better than either peeing on, or in front of his companion here.

Blinking, Higgs looked up at Sam, his cheeks going pink when he realized-

"Oh! Ah- Sam! I'm...ffff... I'm sorry, I'll just... lemme just grab this and then you can continue...as you were," he murmured, popping the red capped mushroom out of the ground, shoving it into his bag to add to the white puffy one.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed, quickly scurrying away, going over towards where he found the Hericium erinaceus - the lion's mane. He paced a little, feeling a warm embarrassment in his cheeks. "I promise I didn't realize you were... you know."

"Man it would have been a long walk with you stinking like that." He shook his head, shifting himself awkwardly.

He sighed, knowing he wouldn't be able to continue, feeling like he'd be watched. "You gotta go?" He asked, a little more uncomfortable now. 

He'd realized he'd gotten used to just going where and when he needed to. Now privacy was going to be an issue. Either that or they'd both have to get real comfortable, real quick.

Shrugging, Higgs looked over to Sam, biting his lower lip. "Not like I've something to hold and easily just... _go_ ," he muttered, his cheeks going a brighter color.

The peeing in front of Sam wasn't the trouble, that didn't bother him. He wasn't ashamed to be naked in front of Sam either. It was all about the peeing in the open, and how does one even do that with... with the parts that he was cursed with?

"Just fuckin squat and pee?" He muttered, looking around for a place that would even be remotely comfortable to do that, where he wouldn't immediately fall into his own discarded fluids.

Sam laughed with a shrug. "I would guess it's the same as taking a shit out here?" He reasoned, having a look around. "You could use the rocks to lean on over there? Just use your hands and dig a little hole I guess? I don't know how any of that works." He pointed to Higgs with a blush, realizing he was clueless as to what the boy might need.

Higgs rolled his eyes, huffing a breath. "Well aren't you helpful," he muttered, clomping his way over to where Sam had suggested. He slipped out of his pants and did his business, stepping into the nearby water to rinse himself.

"Oh _fuck_! This is _freezing_!!" He exclaimed, hopping out of the water only to fall flat on his face on it's small shore, bare butt up in the air.

Sam barked a laugh, barely able to make his way over to Higgs and help him up. "You good?" He asked, offering his hand out to him. 

"I'm sure Marta and Stephen would have _loved_ to have captured this precious moment." He snorted, being ever so useful.

Pushing his own self up, Higgs threw a mismatched icy glare at Sam before bubbling up in laughter of his own, the glare completely broken by his grin.  
"Shut up and get me my-" Higgs' gaze cut towards where his pants were, his eyes widening as another mushroom caught his attention.

"Ah! How did I miss-" he hurried over to the spot, his cheeks going bright red. "...oh my..." he murmured, kneeling - still without pants - beside the mushroom that seemed to leak black ooze, sprouting right in the hole he dug for himself to use as a bathroom spot.

"...interesting..."

"Get your pants on dude! You can't be dancing around half naked out here!" He blushed brightly, looking around for other people. 

He followed Higgs over to where he was. "You probably shouldn't touch that... it looks... I don't know." He frowned, looking at it, tilting his head.

"It's just a Coprinopsis atramentaria - an inky cap. The more interesting thing about it, is that I think I made it..." he hummed, plucking the specimen from the ground, careful not to actually touch the area it was growing from. He stuck the mushroom in his pouch before pushing himself to his feet to pull his pants on.  
Sitting on the rock, he shoved his feet into his boots and started to place them.

"Just like I think that fly agaric came from you. Do you notice those red capped mushrooms often? Particularly after you've... relieved yourself?"

"Yeah, now that you mention it, everytime I take a piss, there's always a mushroom that pops up." Sam shrugged, thinking nothing of it. 

"Must be the proteins in our bodies or our DOOMS or whatever." He tapped his chin, thinking it had to be true. Then again, he'd never asked anyone else before.

"Interesting..." Higgs murmured again, finishing lacing his boots. "I'll have to remember to tell Stephen about these things when we stop back eventually," he grinned, reaching a hand out for Sam.  
"Where to now? Seeing as we're both good to go again."

Sam took Higgs' hand, not sure if he should after him touching the pee mushrooms, but whatever. 

"Let's get going then. We'll need to find somewhere to sleep tonight, we can follow the river up and see if we can find any caves or over hangs."

"My first time sleeping out in the field!" He exclaimed, bouncing on his feet excitedly, stumbling with his boots a little, but successfully catching himself this time.

"You do this all the time, but this is so exciting!"

Sam laughed, shaking his head, wishing he could see it through Higgs' eyes. He had hated it from the start, but he wasn't home and no one was taking samples from him anymore. Telling him where to go, what to do... well, sort of. 

"What do you like best so far?" He asked, holding Higgs' hand and leading the way.

A little bit of warmth returned to Higgs' cheeks as he glanced up at Sam. "Being out here with you," he admitted, smiling sheepishly. "I know that sounds stupid, but... I'm actually just out here, and I'm out here with someone I love so much! How can I not be having a good time of it? Exploration, adventure, new things! ...and you and me."

Sam felt the smile creep along his face, looking down, a little shy and embarassed. "How am I gonna deal with you when you keep being this sweet?" He asked, wanting to pick him up. Wanting to keep carrying him and not making him walk. 

But that wouldn't help either of them. 

He sighed, squeezing Higgs' hand and pulling him toward a spot he'd seen. "What do you think? This gonna do?"

"Purely selfish, no sweetness here, dunno what you're talkin about," he chuckled, releasing Sam's hand to run towards the little alcove he pointed out.

"Seems good to me!" He called, climbing one of the rocks to stand on top of it, making himself taller. "You're the expert here though, this seem good to you? Safe enough for the night?"

Sam looked around and nodded. "Seems fine to me." He held his hand out for Higgs, to help him down from the rock, leading him into the cave so he could start setting up for the night.

Following in behind Sam, Higgs flopped himself down on the ground, spreading out like an obnoxious little starfish.

"You spend lots of time in caves, or is this just cus you've got me tagging along? You'd usually go all the way through the night, wouldn't you?"

No matter how he tried, Higgs couldn't shake the feeling that he was holding Sam back in some way shape or form.

"I gotta sleep sometimes, don't I?" Sam teased, shooting Higgs a look. "And this is a rainy area. So, cave." He shrugged, setting his things down to sit. 

"Hungry?" He asked, offering out a protein bar out to him.

Higgs grumbled, waving off the protein bar. "I've eaten more in the couple days we were with Marta and Stephen than I've eaten in a whole fuckin week before. If I try to stuff anything else in me, I might literally blow up," he laughed, stretching out a bit, his body shaking with the force of the stretch.

"Dunno how you ever slept in a cave before now - wasn't that lonely? And cold?"

It would be okay now, of course, because they would have each other.

Sam smiled, pulling a blanket he'd had folded in his pack, the metallic like fabric catching light in the dark cave. "That's what blankets are for. But yeah... it was lonely out here." He shrugged, sitting down with his back against the wall.

The younger boy scrambled himself up on his knees, crawling over to Sam to curl up beside him, head in his lap.

"Well, you don't have to be lonely anymore, cus now you've got me, and I've got you!" He grinned, looking up at Sam with those pretty mismatched eyes of his.  
"We gonna sleep here for the night? Until the rain passes?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm tired. You were just having a ride the whole time, I was the one doing all the work." He teased, running his fingers through the boy's hair. 

"I might sleep through the night, but wake me in the morning, alright?" He asked hopefully, relaxing back and resting his other hand on his chest after covering them both with his blanket. 

"Hey," he started, after drifting just a bit, forcing his sleepy eyes open. "I'm glad I've got you, Higgs. I'm glad you're here and I hope you don't grow to hate me too much. I love you." He hummed groggily, mind a little foggy with sleep. He yawned and slipped his eyes shut again, letting himself sleep now.

"Hey I-!" Higgs huffed, not finishing his complaint about how he would much rather be walking but Sam was the one not letting him!  
He didn't have the proper gear to be walking, not yet. Someday. Someday Sam would let him walk beside him and carry his own load of shit, but for now-

"I love you too, you big dummy," the smaller boy hummed, curling up to Sam and his warm body, resting his head on the other boy's chest. "I'm glad you saved me..." he added in a soft murmur, knowing that, he had saved himself, but he wouldn't have done it without Sam.  
He would still be stuck in that fuckin bunker, with long hair and pretty things that Daddy put him in, feeling wrong about himself and hating himself, and waiting for the next blissful escape to the Beach.

Sam may not have been the one to end Daddy's life, but he was definitely the one to have saved Higgs'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit longer chapter this time, as an apology for not updating in a while!
> 
> Our boys are finally out in the wild and already getting themselves into trouble. *sigh* what ARE we gonna do with these fools?
> 
> ♡


	6. Chapter 6

Sam was hesitant about letting Higgs walk on his own, but he couldn't carry him forever. It was a few months of Higgs begging and being obnoxious about not wanting to be in the bag anymore before he finally caved while they were visiting the city.

He'd gotten him his own jumpsuit, better boots, his own gear, and his very own pack. Sam didn't know they made them so small, and was excited to see it on Higgs. 

He quietly entered the private room, having let the little boy sleep in. The luxury of a bed was a treat for the both of them, so he was going to let Higgs enjoy it as long as he could. 

"You up?" He asked, setting everything down.

Higgs stretched and groaned softly, little sleepy sounds leaving him as he sat up, nodding. "Am now. Did you go out?" He asked, smirking a little at Sam, unable to help himself as he glanced to the stuff the other boy brought in.  
It looked like a lot, and whatever it was, Higgs was sure it was something he could be excited about.

"When the heck did you sneak out?"

"I didn't sneak out, I left. You were just sleeping." Sam laughed. "Think a bomb could have gone off and you would have slept through it." He teased lightly, sitting down on the bed to make himself comfortable.

"Go on. That's all for you." He gestured to all the stuff on the floor.

"Not my fault I sleep like the dead - should take it as a sort of compliment. I trust you so I sleep like a dead man," he hummed, slipping from the bed to look through the stuff Sam brought back.  
His eyes went wide and his little body seemed to vibrate in his excitement.

"My own jumpsuit?! My own pack!! Boots!! You're gonna let me walk on my own!! Can I take orders?!" He asked, looking up at Sam with so much excitement and pure joy in his face.

Finally!  
Fuckin finally, he could get out of that damn bag! Carry his own weight! Help!

"Only small orders. You're not breaking your back to deliver shit. Leave that to me." Sam smiled, pleased to see the joy in Higgs' eyes. 

It was better than he'd thought. Just the little things that made the boy happy were worth all the stress it brought Sam.

"Small orders!" He exclaimed, jumping up, holding the jumpsuit in his eager little hands. "Can I put it on? Now? Can we go and take orders now!?" He asked, his voice damn near trembling with the excitement he was barely holding back.

It was a stupid thing to be excited about, maybe, to outsiders. To Higgs though, it was such a big step, such a freedom that he was finally being granted. He wouldn't have to be holding Sam back all the time now, and could instead be helping him. Could be seeing the world at his own pace instead of having to yell to ask Sam to stop and let him out of the fuckin bag.

Sam smiled happily, watching Higgs pull some of the things on. "Hang on, you should shower first." He laughed, glad to see him so eager. 

"You seemed down lately, so I figured you deserved to join along." He offered, smiling at him gently. "And your ass is getting too heavy for me to carry." He teased, watching him with a playful smile. 

He was relieved the boy was excited to start working.

Higgs huffed and swatted at Sam playfully, stripping out of the clothes he'd started to put on and his underclothes so that he could shower. He still didn't really have much shame when it came to being naked in front of Sam. He probably should think about developing some shame, but he just couldn't bring himself to feel it.

Sam wouldn't hurt him, or touch him in any way he didn't want. He wouldn't judge him for the marks that littered his body.

"I'm just gaining healthy weight, you jerk. Your dumb ass keeps feedin me on a regular basis!"

Sam huffed at the accusation. He was glad Higgs was eating, afraid he wouldn't be able to feed them both. He ate less to accommodate, but all the same. 

"You're growing too. Your feet will touch the ground while sitting on the pack if you don't stop." He smiled, turning away when Higgs started to undress. 

He always gave him his privacy, a little shy to look.

With a roll of his eyes, Higgs moved his way to the shower, stepping in and flicking the switch for the hot water to wash over him.

"I'm gonna be taller than you before you know it, Sammy! What'll you do then?" He asked from the echoey space of the shower, letting the hot water wash away any grime or sweat that had built up on his skin.  
It still felt so damn good to shower in such peace. Sam really was such a good guy... Higgs considered himself lucky to have met him.

Sam smiled, listening to Higgs shower. He was glad he was able to see this growth in the boy. That he could be happy and healthy. 

"Had to let you start taking your own orders. I'd never be able to afford clothes that fit you if you keep growing so fast."

He waited for Higgs to finish his shower, drying and dressing before it was his turn. He got up, getting himself undressed, keeping his back to the younger man.

Higgs was far too interested in his new jumpsuit to be worrying about Sam undressing and being all _decent._  
He pulled on his underclothes - black shirt and black shorts - before pulling his brand new jumpsuit on, a giddy smile on his face. Dancing around in it a little, he couldn't help the near madman giggle that erupted from him.

"Ahhhhhh~!! My own jumpsuit!! I finally get to explore with you!" He exclaimed, flopping himself back onto the bed, limbs splayed every which way.

Sam laughed at the sound from inside the shower, bathing quick before getting out, quickly dressing himself. 

"Alright kid, fill your canteen. You don't want to be without that." He reminded, getting himself geared up to go. 

He knew he might have to carry Higgs at some point, but it would be nice not to have that much wiggling weight anymore.

Jumping up, Higgs did as he was told, all that pent up excited energy making him all wiggly anyway. Rather good thing he wasn't being strapped to Sam's back.

"Ready!" He exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he tightened his straps on his pack over his shoulders.  
He looked like a real porter now, and he felt so damn _good_!

"Just about ready? Gonna get an order?" He asked, heading up to the terminal. 

"Let me see mine and we can decide where we're going."

"Can I see? Can I see? I gotta learn how to look through the terminal so I can pick orders for myself!" He grinned, practically bouncing after Sam, getting odd looks from some of the Bridges and other people that worked at their stopping point.

"Yeah, come on." Sam nodded, lifting Higgs up with one arm, letting him lean against the terminal. 

"See? Everything's up here, you just kinda toggle through your options. Orders for you specifically, general orders and requests, they have descriptions and weights of the cargo, requirements." He explained, showing him how to accept an order. 

"Alright, now you take one."

Higgs pressed himself close to the terminal, looking over the orders he could take. He made sure not to pick any that weren't near where Sam's was going to be, and avoided ones that were far too heavy.

Finally deciding on one, he clicked it and accepted the order, body vibrating excitedly.

"Eeeeeeeee~ My own order!!"

Sam laughed, watching the cargo come down the belt. "Want me to help get it in?" He offered, knowing the answer was probably going to be no.

"No! I got it!" Higgs huffed, making his way over to the belt, getting up on his tip toes to bring the package closer to himself, hugging it to his chest once he finally got a good hold on it.  
He grinned and unhooked his pack, situating his cargo into it like he had seen Sam do so many times.

"Alright, I'm ready!"

"Got everything?" Sam smiled, hooking his own pack up, getting himself set to go. 

He double checked his own stuff, offering his hand out for Higgs to take.

Higgs double checked that his two things of cargo were safe and sound and secure in his pack and then securely on his shoulders before taking Sam's hand in his own.

"Got everything - got my cargo, got my canteen, got my Sam."

Sam laughed, squeezing Higgs' hand, constantly charmed by the little guy. "Looks like I've got everything too. Sure is a lot lighter leaving without that monkey strapped to my back though." He teased, leading the way out.

He showed Higgs how to use his map and his compass, telling him he'd get one someday. 

He lead the way for a while, holding hands for most of the trip, letting Higgs adjust the weight on his back now and then. "Alright, how you doing? Think it might be time to take a break?"

Higgs huffed at the tease, but set out without complaint, happy to be going out into the world with Sam, and not on his back in a stupid bag, only seeing what he could from the other boy's back.

The world was so much bigger when you could see it all, in 360° instead of from the small opening of the bag.

He only let go of Sam's hand a couple of times, running over to mushrooms he found out in the open, plucking some to bring back to Stephen eventually. Otherwise, he came back to Sam each time, taking the other boy's hand in his. The trip was going pretty smoothly when Sam stopped to ask if Higgs wanted a break.

"Mmm... I'm okay, but if you think we should take a break, then let's take a break. You're the pro here," he snickered lightly, giving Sam's hand a gentle squeeze.

Sam smiled sweetly, unattaching his pack and setting it down. "Always should rest before you actually need it. If you wait, it'll be harder to get back up again." He explained, sitting himself down and having a drink from his canteen. 

"How you feeling about all this so far?"

Mimicking what Sam did, Higgs unattached his pack and plopped on the ground, taking a drink from his canteen as well.

"The world's so much bigger than I ever imagined... There's so much to look at! It's... kind of a lot to take in, but I love it. Anything's better than bein stuck in that bunker..." he shrugged, letting himself fall back against his pack, looking up at the sky.

It was crazy to think that he was out in the world, really truly out here. Daddy would've never let this happen, if he was still alive. He would've been stuck in that bunker forever, learning how to be a good fuckin housewife instead of learnin how to survive.

"We've only seen some of it. Even from the back." Sam smirked, looking the younger boy over again. "I'll show you whatever you want to see. I promise you that."

"Everything. I wanna see everything," Higgs said, turning his head to look towards Sam, grinning. "Don't care if we gotta go through BTs and Timefall to get there, I wanna see everything I can. Don't wanna waste any more time than I already have, or any more than I have to."

Sam frowned, looking down, a little worried he wouldn't be able to give Higgs what he wanted and deserved. "I promise I'll do everything I can to make you happy." He worried his hands together.

He wondered if or when Higgs was going to want to go out on his own. If he'd be able to deal with that.

"I'm already happy, Sammy. Bein out here, bein with you... we don't gotta go out of our way to see everything. I'm sure I'll gradually see everything as we do this delivery thing," he abandoned his pack in favor of rolling over to bump himself against Sam, grinning up at him.

"'Sides, we got plenty of time. Ain't dyin anytime soon, bein that we don't die too easy anyways."

Sam laughed, shaking his head, resting his hand in Higgs' hair. "I'm gonna get soft on you now." He warned playfully, running his fingers through the short hair. It was longer now than when they started.

"I'm glad you're traveling with me... but in a few years, maybe when you're good at this, you could always go off on your own I guess." He offered, absolutely hating the sound of that.

Higgs closed his eyes, contemplating the option while Sam played with his slightly longer hair. It wasn't yet back to where it had been when Sam first met him, but it was longer than when Sam cut it.

"Think that's for future me to figure out, but... current me says I'd rather stick with you, so long as you don't get too annoyed with me hangin around you all the time," he peeked open his eyes up at Sam, grinning.

"Nope. You're stuck with me for as long as I can force you in a bag and toss you on my back." He teased lightly, looking down at him. 

"I like having you around." He hummed, watching Higgs get comfortable.

"Did you want to take some orders to head back and visit our friends?"

"Oh! We can go see Stephen? I've got some mushrooms to show him!" Higgs sat up quickly, digging in his pouch to pull out the ones he found this morning, grinning proudly as he showed them to Sam.  
"I think he'd wanna see them! So we should definitely go, if we can," he nodded, thinking also about how they'd probably get a good home cooked meal out of the deal, and probably a bed to sleep in for a night. A bed that wasn't in those bright and sterile private rooms.

"I think it's time for a visit, don't you?" He asked, knowing it would feel good for both of them to be around people that cared. 

He stretched his legs, pulling a snack out of his pouch, thinking of the route they'd take to get back. It always felt like what he imagined home should feel like.

"It's been a while... think they'll recognize me with all my new gear?" He giggled, curling up against Sam's leg, resting his head on the other boy's thigh.

He felt so comfortable with Sam, unlike how he felt with really anyone else. Stephen and Marta were both wonderful people, and Higgs certainly felt safe with them, but only Sam made him feel like he did now, made him feel all these things he couldn't explain.

Sam laughed, looking him over. "You're barely the same kid anymore. You're getting so damn big." He teased, feeling that ache in his chest. Worry that Higgs was growing up too quick. 

He didn't want him to get older. Wanted him to stay young and free and unburdened with the way of life forever. But he'd already started taking orders. Already was becoming his own person, and Sam had to let him. 

He wasn't his dad, and he wasn't his family. He couldn't tell him what to do or keep him cooped up.

"Gonna be taller than you!" He teased, nuzzling against Sam's thigh, snickering. "Won't know what to do with me then!" He added, peeking up at Sam, noticing that slight worry in his eyes, the sadness.

"...what's wrong, Sammy...?" He asked quietly, not sure what he could have done to pull that look from Sam. Had he said something wrong? Done something that had upset him?

Was it because he wasn't the same, anymore? He wasn't that kid that didn't know himself or the world? Didn't even know he could consider himself a 'he'?

"Nothing... just wish time wasn't a thing..." Sam forced a smile. "I'm not ready for you to grow up... not ready for me to grow up." He let out a sad huff of a laugh, looking away. 

"You'll stick with me, right? We'll stay friend after you're out and around on your own, yeah?"

"Time ain't a thing on the Beach," he replied absently, rolling over onto his back, still pressed flush against Sam's leg. "But there's a long way away from growin up... so you don't gotta worry so much," he hummed, looking up at Sam absently. "Ain't goin nowhere, not without you. If the time comes that I do go somewhere without you, I'll keep on lovin you from wherever it is I go, promise."

"Thanks." Sam smiled, the ache fading in his chest, relaxing quite a bit. 

"Ready to get moving then? We have a lot of ground to cover before we get back to them."

"Ready to move, then," Higgs hummed, pushing himself to sitting, grabbing up his pack and reattaching himself to it before standing up, wobbling a little.

"Best get this stuff to where it needs and then pick up something else! Maybe Stephen and Marta will have a request out, even!"

Sam smiled and nodded. "Yeah maybe they will." He hummed, holding his own pack, knowing he shouldn't baby Higgs so much. Shouldn't hold his hand and keep a hand on his pack so it didn't feel so heavy. 

He wanted to, but he knew it was wrong.

Getting steady on his feet again, centering his weight, Higgs let out a breath and offered his hand out for Sam, grinning.

"Well, let's not keep em waiting then!" He hummed happily, readjusting his pack a little with one hand, waiting for Sam to take the other.

Sam felt the guilt rise up in his stomach, desperately wanting to take the boy's hand. "Hang on just a bit, my pack feels unbalanced." He lied easily, not wanting to hurt Higgs' feelings.

Higgs blinked, his shoulders deflating a little as he let his hand fall back to his side a moment, before bringing it back up to hold onto the straps of his pack with his other hand.

He picked up his pace a little, only stumbling in those big boots a little as he got himself ahead of Sam. Feeling a little bit of cold settling into his body, he didn't even realize it when the rainbow appeared overhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, another update!!
> 
> Our boys are in trouble next time!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAD TIMES AHEAD

"Fuck..." Sam huffed, watching the rainbow form in the sky. "Think you can run?" He asked, hearing the thunder rolling in. 

"If we get split up, you know where you're going right? We'll meet just over that way, base of those foothills, alright?" He double checked, needing Higgs to be fine.

"I can try.... but I can see them, so I can avoid them. Probably," he replied, pulling his hood up.

He was still... stupidly upset that Sam had seemed to not want to hold his hand for some reason. Was he already getting tired of Higgs being so clingy? Was it something else?

No time to think about that-

The goosebumps on his skin told him that BTs were already close approaching.

"Base of the foothills. I'll meet you there if anything happens," he confirmed, feeling the dark tears slip down his cheeks.

A shadowy tendril dropped into view just ahead, and then a few others in pretty close form with that one.

This place was crawling with em... the hell happened here that there were so many of em?

Sam felt his skin tingling painfully. There must have been a shit load of these things here. He crouched down, following behind Higgs, keeping his hand over his mouth. He held his breath when he felt that overwhelming fear flooding his system, meaning he was close to one. 

It felt like they'd been walking a while and still weren't clear. Where the hell were they?

Higgs moved quickly and quietly through them, weaving in and out of the flowy tendrils that seemed to flutter in a non-existent wind.  
Fuck these things.  
Fuck this particular area of them.  
This... this fucking sucked.

Glancing back every so often, he made sure that Sam was still following behind. Turning around again to check on Sam, he felt an icy cold wash over him as a loud groan filled his ears, the slapping of those hand prints in the mud approaching quickly as he had run into one of the shadows.

His eyes widened and he quickly covered his mouth and nose, his heart beating quickly in his chest as panic flooded his system.

Sam watched with wide eyes as the prints wetly made their way towards Higgs. "Hey you ugly motherfucker!" He shouted, the prints stopping before quickly turning and coming towards him. 

"Run!" He ordered to Higgs, throwing his cargo, trying to make as much noise as possible, the BTs coming towards him. 

Tar started to pool at his feet, making it hard for him to move.

Eyes widening, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watched the large figures moving away from him and towards Sam through the tar. They tugged at him, clawed at him and pulled him along.

Higgs screamed, the sound echoing in the valley.

" _SAM_!" He cried, his whole body trembling. He wanted to reach out to Sam, wanted to pull him out of the tar, away from those BTs, especially the big motherfucker that was closing in on his Sam.

His feet wouldn't move, wouldn't run away, wouldn't run forward.

Trapped.  
He was trapped in his own body, just like when Daddy's body was necrotizing right in front of him.

"Go! Run! Get the fuck out of here!" Sam shouted at him, the bastards pulling his feet out from under him. 

He dug his fingers into the tar, his body trying to fight against them, not wanting to make it easy for them. He watched Higgs, wishing he could just make him run. 

"I'll be fine! Go!"

"N-No... _No_! I can't- Sammy, I can't just leave you!" He cried, dark streaks staining his cheeks as he stumbled backwards.

Sam wanted him to go, wanted him to escape, but how could he just... how could he just leave him behind?

Sam shouted at Higgs, telling him to run. To get out of there, go somewhere safe. 

He'd gotten pulled away, dragged toward a bigger BT, something that looked more like a whale or some weird sea creature. 

He saw it open its horrible mouth, reaching out to him and pulling him in, devouring him whole.

He heard the sound of the blast, before he could feel the pain of it, he was floating. The water in between. The Seam. He searched for his body, getting back to it and dropping in the center of the crater, BTs cleared for the moment.

By some fucking miracle, Higgs had got his shit together and ran, making his way to the spot where Sam had told him to meet him if they got split up. He'd thrown his pack off his back, not giving a damn about the cargo inside, and had thrown up before curling into a ball on the ground.

Tears continued to stream down his cheeks and stain them, his body trembling as he sobbed.  
It was all his fault.  
All his fault that Sam was gone.  
Did someone come back from that? Sam was a repatriate, sure, but could he possibly come back from that? That was... it was terrifying and that sound... The whole world sounded like it fuckin cracked in half.

Fuck.  
 _Fuckfuck **fuck**_.  
How could he face Stephen and Marta?  
This was all his fucking fault- why hadn't he just been more careful?! He can see the fuckin BTs, so why—

He felt his stomach lurch again, but he kept himself curled in a ball, refusing to move.

One foot in front of the other. It hurt so bad to be in the middle of a voidout, the pain even lingered after. He headed to where he told Higgs to go, hoping he did run. Hoping he did wait and that he'd find him. 

"Higgs!?" He called, his throat dry and voice barely audible. "Fuck..." he growled, trying to call out again and he made his way to the hills.

Hearing a sound in the deafening silence that had fallen, a sound that wasn't his own sobs, Higgs forced himself up. He scooted to the edge of the little alcove he had holed himself up in, spotting a moving creature, all smattered with black tar.

Eyes widening, a slight panic settled into his chest until he realized he couldn't feel a coldness, didn't smell that strange scent that followed BTs.

"....S-Sam...? Sammy is that you?!"

Sam caught sight of him, relief taking that painful weight off his chest as he ran to him. "Higgs!" He cried out, reaching him and pulling him tight to his chest. 

"Thank you... I'm so glad you ran..." he whispered, hand cradling his little head.

Higgs buried his face against Sam's chest, loud sobs wracking his body as he shook and held so damn tightly to the other boy. He clawed at Sam's back, desperate to be as close to him as possible.

"You're alive! Oh- Oh _fuck_... Sam I- I'm so sorry, it's all my fault," he whimpered. "You're alive... you're back..."

Sam held him tightly, soothing and rocking the boy. "We should go before those things come back..." he whispered, afraid to go through that again.

The younger boy kept his arms wrapped around Sam's waist, holding him tight. "I'm sorry... I'm real sorry, Sam..." he whimpered, his face still buried against Sam's chest, muffling his apologies and his sobs.

"I'll run this time. Really run. I'll be real careful and we'll just get out of here."

"Shh... it's not your fault. We're both safe and that's what matters." He reassured, giving Higgs one final squeeze. 

"Get your pack on. Let's go drop these off and head home." He pulled him away, needing to get moving. He waited, offering his hand out to the younger boy. 

He needed that comfort. They both did.

Quickly getting his pack situated, his hands and his body still trembling a bit, his stomach still feeling a bit uneasy, Higgs took Sam's offered hand in his.

No matter what Sam said, Higgs knew this was his fault. Sam was probably in so much pain, and it was all his fault. They could've been fine. Could've gotten through without trouble if he had just...been more careful. Paid more attention to where the fuck he was walking.

He squeezed the other boy's hand, walking in contemplative silence.

When they made their delivery, Sam was just about ready to call it quits. Instead, he took a supply request order for Stephen and Marta, letting Higgs take one too.

He was looking forward to a hot shower and a soft bed. Maybe it would be enough to get rid of the chill that has settled into his bones.

Higgs stayed quiet, even as they delivered their requested cargo and took on the order for Stephen and Marta. He seemed more pale than usual, aside from the dark streaks down his cheeks.

In his head, he kept replaying that scene over and over - Sam being pulled away from him through the tar by those shadowy hands, and then that big thing bursting from below, devouring Sam whole.

He had to rush to the nearby stream, losing a bit more of his stomach contents as he crouched by the water's edge, his body trembling.

Sam followed Higgs over, rubbing gently at the back of his neck. He must have been replaying it all in his head, over and over. The both of them terribly quiet, haunted by what they'd been through. 

"Hey... it's alright. I'm right here..." he reassured, crouching down next to him. "We're fine now... and we're almost there. We... I don't want to talk about it right now, but we can when we're there."

The smaller boy sniffled, his eyes brimming with dark tears again, whether from the burn in his throat or from the constant replay in his head, and the angry voice telling him it was all his fault.

"Unless you need to talk about it... I don't think I wanna," he admitted in a small little voice, his shoulders trembling as he held his knees to his chest, making himself as small as possible.

Sam frowned, looking him over sadly. "I really don't want to either... but we should eventually." He sighed heavily, seeing how bothered Higgs was by this.

He wanted to carry him. To have him pressed against his chest, warming him, proof that they were both still alive.

"We should get going..." he offered his hand out to him. "Come on. I need a shower. This shits starting to get itchy."

Nodding, Higgs took Sam's hand without even looking up at him, and allowed the other boy to help him to his feet again.

The last leg of the trip, Higgs clung to Sam's hand, and to his side, bumping their hips together more than a couple times as they walked. He had this faraway look in his eyes, and he was damn near chewing his lips raw.

Sam sighed in relief when he saw the bunker. He felt the exhaustion in his bones, sure he'd never felt so tired in his life. 

He decided he was going to try and convince Higgs to stay here for a little while if they would let him. Things seemed to be getting worse and he didn't want him out here in this. 

"Finally..." he breathed, pulling up the terminal and making his delivery, then doing Higgs'. He pressed the call option on the terminal, hoping they would let them in.

The door opened and Stephen stepped out, smiling. "Well hello boys! Oh-" His smile dropped when he looked them both over, hurriedly waving them in and calling for Marta.  
The woman came from the kitchen and gasped when the boys stepped inside.

"Oh, my darlings! You look like you've been through hell and back," she sighed, tutting softly. "I'm making dinner now, so why don't you both go ahead and shower. Should be clean spare clothes in your room that you can use," she said, moving back to the kitchen.

Higgs felt odd, being back here and feeling these conflicted emotions.  
He still felt numb from the whole experience out there, watching Sam be taken from him. His stomach still felt incredibly uneasy, too.

...but at the same time, a warmth was creeping into his heart, just being back here where he knew he was safe, knew he was welcome and cared for.

He gave Sam's hand a squeeze and looked up at him, pulling the other boy towards the bathroom.

Sam just followed Higgs, his mind shutting off, going blank. Now he knew the boy was safe, he felt his own body trying to relax, the adrenaline and anxiety wearing out now. 

He followed him to the bathroom, forcing one foot in front of the other, sitting down on the tile, his stomach turning. He looked up at Higgs, watching and making sure he was fine, that they were really here. 

He blinked, pulling the smaller boy to him, tight against his chest, taking deep breaths and trying not to cry.

Higgs stumbled a bit, basically falling into Sam's arms. He leaned himself against the other boy and buried his face against Sam's shoulder.

"We're really safe, now," he murmured quietly, reaching to touch Sam's face, play with his hair absently. He just needed to feel the other boy, make sure he was really there and wasn't going anywhere.

Sam held Higgs to him, burying his face in his neck, letting himself cry now. He pulled him so he was sitting in his lap, holding him tightly as he sobbed. 

It had hurt more than anything being caught in the middle of that voidout. It was like every part of him, every atom, had been ripped apart, sucked into a vaccum and applied pressure, while he was still conscious. The pain followed him after repatriation, settling into his bones, causing his whole body to ache and feel so cold. 

On top of that, he was still consumed with the fear that it might happen to Higgs at some point. What if he hadn't noticed before the other boy was dragged away? What if he hadn't been able to give him the time he needed to run? 

"I'm sorry..." he breathed after a while, sure he was probably hurting him with how tight he was squeezing.

Shaking his head, nuzzling against Sam, Higgs gently stroked the other boy's hair. "Ain't gotta apologize," he murmured softly, letting out a sigh. "S'my fault this happened anyhow... I shoulda been watching where I was goin... instead of checkin on you. You can handle yourself and I shoulda known that so I shoulda just..." he squeezed his eyes closed, pushing out more tears of his own to add to the dried streaks already staining his cheeks.  
"So I'm the one that's sorry, Sammy... I'm _so_ sorry..."

Watching it was the worst thing he'd ever seen, and he'd seen his Daddy pop.  
It had to have hurt, he imagined... being swallowed up by one of them things, dying that way... He'd died plenty of different ways himself but never... never like that. He had no idea how it felt. Had no idea of the pain Sam was in.

Sam shook his head, running his fingers through Higgs' hair. "Shh... no, you were just checking on me." He whispered, gently rocking the both of them now. 

"Just glad it wasn't you..." he whispered against his forehead, pushing a kiss to his hairline. 

He just sat, breathing a few minutes, letting himself calm down before finally letting Higgs go. "Go on. Shower first, I'll be right here if that's alright."

"You... if you want we could just... shower together," Higgs murmured quietly, not willingly letting go of Sam just yet, his arms still wrapped around the other boy's shoulders.

Sam nodded, not ready to let go just yet. He could easily hold on to the other boy while they showered, cling to him while the tar rinsed off. 

"Yeah... I'll start the water." He nodded, getting up, only letting Higgs go so he could get undressed.

Even though he had been hopeful enough to ask, he had fully expected Sam to say no, so when Sam agreed and got up to turn on the water, Higgs felt a warmth in his cheeks.

He carefully stripped out of his jumpsuit and underclothes, folding them to set them to the side. Standing bare in the bathroom, Higgs felt a bit self conscious, wrapping his arms around himself.

Sam undressed, really too tired to be standing. He set his things to the side, knowing they were probably garbage. Maybe they could be hosed down or something. 

He stepped into the shower, turning on the water and waiting for it to get hot, sliding to sit down.

Higgs shuffled over to the shower and climbed in with Sam, feeling even more awkward when the other boy slid to sit on the floor of the shower.

Biting his lip, he slid down too, blinking at Sam. "...you're exhausted, huh?" He asked quietly, his voice so soft as he looked Sam over.

Sam looked up at Higgs, feeling his head nodding slowly. "I feel like that thing sucked the life out of me..." he frowned, scooting over just a bit, letting Higgs have a little more room. 

He pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them a moment before letting his back hit the wall, tilting his face up into the water.

A shot of numbness ran through the younger boy as he watched Sam, wanting to do anything he could to make that feeling go away, to make Sam feel better.

Scooting closer, he leaned himself against Sam's legs, resting his head against them.

"Do you... want to talk about it?"

Sam rested his hands on top of Higgs' pulling them away when it burned a bit to touch him. He was too warm. 

He shook his head, his eyes going blank a second, mouth open and going slack. "I... I don't even know _how_ to talk about it... I just... wish I could forget it."

That was something Higgs could understand, out of all of this. Nodding, he felt his shoulders slump a bit. "Yeah... but we can't forget bad things, just like we shouldn't forget good things," he murmured quietly. "We have to take the bad with the good - I have to remember Daddy going pop, just like I want to remember you finding me that first day I ran out of the bunker. I gotta remember you being swallowed whole, just like I wanna remember our first time here with Stephen and Marta, feeling really home and really safe for the first time," he murmured, knowing it wasn't fair that the bad had to be remembered, but... the bad made the good that much better.

"...I won't let it happen again. I- ...I'll do everything I can to make sure you don't ever gotta go through that again."

Sam smiled sadly, reaching out and resting his hand on Higgs face. Touching him wasn't pleasant, but it felt warm in his chest, making it hurt so much less. 

"Shut up, don't blame yourself." He hummed, rubbing his thumb along the boy's cheekbone. "I'm glad we both got out of there... you know I love you... that's all that matters." He reassured, taking another deep breath. 

He pulled his hand away, scrubbing at the tar on his face.

It was the first time in a while that Sam said those words to him, and a warmth bubbled in his chest, some invisible weight lifting a bit off of his chest, off his heart.  
"I love you too, you big dummy..." he murmured softly, scooting away a little so he could let Sam scrub away the tar from his own face while Higgs also scrubbed at the dark streaks on his cheeks.

When Sam touched him and said such soft things, it healed old wounds that Higgs didn't even know had reopened. It was like a soothing salve over all those ugly insecurities that presented on his skin as scars and permanent bruising.

Sam sighed, forcing himself to stand. "I think we've spent enough time in the shower." He huffed, feeling even more drained. He turned the water off, letting Higgs step out first. 

Handing him a towel before grabbing his own was when Sam finally realized he was standing naked in front of Higgs. Not that it really mattered, but he couldn't help but feel wrong about it.

Higgs wrapped the towel around his shoulders, shivering now that he wasn't under the warm spray of water, his wet skin in the air now.

"We can eat a little and then sleep for a long ass time," Higgs hummed, absently drying himself while trying to remain as wrapped in the towel as possible.

He had no qualms about being naked in front of Sam, really - it wasn't the first time Sam had seen him in some state of undress, it wouldn't be the last.

Sam sighed and nodded, wrapping himself in the towel. He left the bathroom, cleaning up their clothes and the mess from the water. He let Higgs go into the bedroom, following him to get dressed too. 

Once he was dressed in the spare clothes, he followed Higgs out, sitting at the table with the others. He didn't have an appetite, feeling nauseous from his return.

Stephen and Marta chattered to each other and in Sam and Higgs' general direction, despite neither boy seeming all that together enough to respond or hold a conversation.

"Sam, dear... if you aren't hungry, you don't have to stay at the table. You're welcome to head off to bed. We'll send Higgs along after he's eaten a bit," Marta hummed softly, wanting to reach across the table and pat his hand, but knowing better.  
He seemed like he might spook particularly easily today, and he usually didn't appreciate touch anyway.

Higgs glanced across at Sam, furrowing his brow a bit. He'd barely touched his food at all...

Sam blinked, not realizing he wasn't particularly all there. He nodded, getting up and going to the room. "Sorry... thank you." He managed, feeling like his soul was somewhere else and his body wandered on. 

He felt disconnected. He climbed into bed, pulling the blankets up and around himself, letting his eyes close. Sleep taking him quickly, the nightmares came faster and more vividly than they usually did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....so mewsifer broke me by introducing the starts of Sam's aphenphosmphobia in this chapter  
> 😭😭😭


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Character Death in this chapter and some really sad and upsetting themes
> 
> ♡

Higgs watched Sam leave the table, going to the room they shared and he felt his shoulders slump, his body deflating a bit because he didn't have to pretend to be okay anymore. Didn't have to be okay to help Sam be okay.

...he knew it was wrong of him to do that, because it was like lying to Sam, but... the other boy seemed to be struggling enough with all this on his own terms.

Marta watched the young boy slump forward, looking just as worn out as Sam. "What happened to the both of you? I've never seem Sam like this." She asked, looking between her husband and the boy again.

He looked far older than he had when they'd left just short of a year ago.

Higgs buried his head in his hands, letting out a quiet frustrated sound. "Everything was goin fine until I screwed up and Sam got dragged away by the fuckin BTs! He got eaten up and I... I couldn't so a damn thing about it," he felt his eyes welling with tears again and he stubbornly wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.  
"I shoulda been keeping an eye ahead and seeing where they were poppin up but I looked back, just for a moment to make sure Sam was still with me and I-" he shook his head, burying his face again.

She got up, resting her hands on Higgs' shoulders, wrapping her arms around him. "Oh sweetie..." she breathed, her heart aching for him. "Give him time... he'll be back to normal eventually."

Higgs turned in his chair and buried his face against her stomach, sniffling. "...what if he hates me now...?" He asked quietly, chewing the inside of his cheek. "...or- or what if he doesn't trust that I can do this? He _just_ started letting me take orders of my own! _Just_ let me start wearin a jumpsuit and a pack of my own... and I mighta screwed it all up in one run."

Marta looked to Stephen, not sure what to say. "Oh, baby, I doubt he hates you now. I don't think Sam could ever hate you." She reassured, wrapping her arms around him. 

"He's scared, I'm sure. He's probably afraid that what happened to him could have happened to you."

"But... but I can just come back, too," he murmured quietly, still not really understanding why his dying was such a big deal, despite being upset that Sam had died.

His life still didn't mean all that much to him, whereas Sam's life, Stephen's and Marta's lives... they were important.

"So can Sam. How did you feel when he died?" She asked, running her fingers through his hair.

"I... I was so scared," he murmured quietly, his voice muffled a bit by Marta's stomach and the way his face was still pressed against it.  
"I was so scared that maybe he wouldn't come back, cus I've never seen anybody be eaten up by a BT before... never seen a BT before my Daddy became one, neither, so..." he chewed his lip.

She held him tighter, pushing a kiss to the top of his head. "I'm sure he would have been terrified if it were you." She whispered, soothing his hair down. 

"He never would have forgiven himself if it had been you. Give him some time. He may be scared, just prove to him that he doesn't need to be."

Nodding, Higgs huffed a sigh, looking up at Marta and then glancing to Stephen.  
"Thank you. Both of you," he murmured quietly. "For taking us in again - I'm sure Sam'll thank you too but... I wanted to, also," he smiled, pushing himself up from his chair and onto his tiptoes to kiss Marta's cheek.

"I'm gonna go lay down if that's okay?"

He came around and kissed Stephen's cheek too before heading off towards the room he shared with Sam, closing the door and then climbing into bed beside the other boy.

At some point in the night Sam curled around Higgs, holding him tightly. Even in his sleep he didn't want to be away from the small boy.

Higgs woke up in the morning when he felt it was a little difficult to breathe. Blinking his eyes open, he couldn't help the push of breathy laughter when he opened his eyes to have Sam laying on top of him.

"Sammy...?" he breathed quietly, reaching his arms up to wrap around the other boy's shoulders.

Sam had his face buried in Higgs' tummy, groaning at the sound of his name. He wrapped his arms around him tighter, rubbing his cheek against the other boy.

"Noo... not yet." He grumbled.

Another soft huff of a laugh and Higgs nodded, carding his fingers through Sam's hair. "Okay Sammy, okay," he hummed, sucking in as much air as he could before letting his eyes closed.

He tries to go back to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes he either saw Sam being eaten by the fuckin BT, or he saw the fuckin precious face he was making currently, all calm and peaceful sleeping on Higgs.  
There was no in-between.

So, he lay there and played with Sam's hair instead, just watching him sleep, feeling warmth fluttering in his chest.

_Love.  
I love him.  
I love Sam.  
I'm... **in** love with Sam?_

Sam slept for a few more hours, happily sleeping on Higgs' stomach. He gained some color back in his face, that chill having gone away in his sleep.

He stirred, stretching and letting out a long yawn before opening his eyes, smiling up at the smaller boy. "Good morning." He hummed, nuzzling against him.

Higgs damn near melted when Sam smiled at him like that, his eyes seeming brighter again, like he was at least somewhat back to being himself.

"Mornin, Sammy," he hummed quietly, still struggling slightly to breathe too deeply. "Sleep well?" He asked, a hint of tease to his voice as he continued to absently card his fingers through Sam's hair.

Sam nodded, letting his head fall to the side, still looking up at Higgs. "Like the dead." He teased, cringing at his own joke. 

"Sorry... that was probably too soon..." he still felt a little off, but he was overall better. "How did you sleep?"

"Relatively well until my body realized I couldn't breathe too well," he hummed, smirking lightly and pushing past the dead thing.  
He didn't want to dwell on it, didn't want to go there again now that Sam was looking like he felt better.

"That doesn't mean you should move, though, just so that's clear."

Sam relaxed a little, pushing a kiss to Higgs' belly. "I carried you around on my back for months. I think you can handle my head on your stomach for a little longer." He teased, looking up at him for a bit. 

"Can we talk for a minute?" He asked after a little bit, feeling that smile fall off his face.

Sam's soft lips against his belly made him shiver slightly, that warm flutter going through him again.

"We can talk for as many minutes as you want," Higgs replied easily, back to playing with Sam's hair. It was getting so long again, damn near back to the length it was when he first met the other boy. He could probably pull it back into that bun again by now.

Sam thought for a moment, choosing his words. "Do you think... maybe..." he chewed his lip, frowning. 

"I think it would be a good idea for you to get an education. I'd like to talk and see if maybe Marta and Stephen would be willing to let you stay for a few months."

Higgs felt that fluttering warmth die damn near instantly, replaced with the typical cold his body held after being back and forth to the Beach so often.

"You... want me to stay here? ...for a few months?" He asked, his voice sounding small and confused, and he hated it. Hated that he couldn't just be angry, that he couldn't just yell and tell Sam _fuck no_. Like _hell_ he was staying behind.

"...why do I need an education, anyway? I can learn all I need while we travel..."

"Because I want you to have an opportunity. You might be really smart or something. You could be a scientist or some shit." Sam encouraged hopefully. 

He really didn't want Higgs to be a porter. He knew it wasn't his decision, but he wanted him to have the opportunity. 

"I can't teach you about a lot of things. I can read, I can do some math and I have a basic understanding of things, but... you deserve so much more."

Higgs squirmed beneath Sam, trying to pull himself free, feeling that usual cold turn a bit icy.

"I _am_ smart, and I can do the sort of studying I want out there in the world, with you. I don't want to be stuck here for 'a few months' while you decide if I'm worth the trouble of being allowed to tag along."

...he hadn't meant to say that.  
Hadn't meant to lash out like that.

"I don't want to be a scientist, or whatever else. I want to be out in the world."

"You can't be out there with me if you don't have an understanding of the world around us. It's not something you just do because you want to." Sam frowned, sitting himself up. 

"I don't want you to be a porter if you can be literally anything else. And it doesn't mean you can't be out in the world." He said simply, sternly. The first time he'd ever raised his voice.

"You're worth everything to me. And that's why you're staying to get an education. I'm not asking now."

His eyes welled with dark, angry tears as he stared at Sam, his jaw clenched, seeing only his Daddy sitting there across from him.

"If you don't want me anymore, that's all you had to say," he replied curtly, pushing himself out of the bed, throwing open the door so he could lock himself in the bathroom.

He climbed into the tub fully clothes and sobbed, wrapping his arms around his knees as he held them to his chest. He leaned his head back against the wall, tears streaming down his cheeks.

He'd been an idiot.  
A fuckin fool to think that Sam-  
...to think that he could be in love with Sam and that _that_ would work out.  
At all.

_Fuckin queer piece of shit idiot. Shoulda been you that died. Shoulda stayed dead, too._

Sam blinked, a little shocked at how Higgs had taken it. He had gotten upset and that wasn't fair, but he wanted him to have a better life if possible. 

He ran after him, desperately knocking on the door, wiggling the knob. "Please open up, Higgs. I didn't mean it like that... you know that." He called through the door, doing his best not to cry again. 

"Higgs... please come talk to me. I think we both misunderstood."

"You made it very fuckin clear," he replied, not bothering to raise his voice, not giving a damn if Sam heard him clearly or not. "Ain't askin me to stay, you're tellin me. So I don't got a say in it? I don't got a say in what the fuck I do with my life?"

_I thought you saved me from a life in prison, but you just decorated it up all pretty and called it something else, but underneath all those pretty words and promises it's the fuckin same._

He banged his head back against the wall a few times before doubling over and burying his face against his knees.

"Just go away, Sam. S'what you were gonna do anyway, so just go."

"You're just a kid, Higgs! Sometimes the adults have to make decisions for you! To give you what you need!" Sam slammed his hand on the door in anger. "I'm doing this because I want you to have a better life, you idiot!" He shouted, huffing and turning away from the door.

Their little spat alerted the older couple, Sam telling them that he was leaving and Higgs was staying. That he needed to learn before he'd take him back out there. 

He refused to hear what the other two had to say, getting his suit on, despite them telling him he should stay until they both calmed down. He got dressed, grabbed his pack, took Higgs' shoes, and left.

Listening to Sam's angry voice at the door, and then the sound fading as he moved away and finally left, Higgs curled tighter into himself, his shoulders shaking as sobs pulled from his throat.

_Fuck Sam.  
Fuck him.  
Asshole._

He wasn't sure how long he stayed curled in the bathtub, sobbing and holding himself, rocking and trembling and wishing that he could just stay dead for fuckin once.

Sam had abandoned him. He'd pissed the older boy off so much that he'd just fuckin left.

_Good. Good riddance. Told him to leave, anyway..._

After a couple hours of quiet discussion, a soft knock on the door was how Marta called to Higgs. "Sweetie, will you come out? We'd like to talk to you." She called, concern in her voice. She'd never seen Sam so upset before.

By the time Marta knocked on the door, Higgs had finally stopped crying, only because he just had no more tears to shed. He forced himself up and out of the tub to unlock and open the door, peeking up at the older woman.

"Do I have to talk, or can this be a one way sort of thing...?" He asked, his voice sounding raw and defeated.  
Some hopefully part of him glanced around for any sign Sam was still here, or coming back, instead he only noticed the distinct lack of his own fucking boots.

"It can be one way. Come have some tea." She lead him back to the kitchen, setting a cup down in front of him. 

"Stephen and I have talked about it and we'd like to make our home available to you until Sam comes back. He can teach you everything he knows and theres more people in the area you can learn from... it's a good idea to learn some things. Maybe I can teach you how to sew..." she offered, looking to her husband for help. 

"You're not stuck here if you don't want to be here. You can come and go as you'd please, but we were hoping you'd stay... maybe give us the child we couldn't have?"

Higgs clenched his jaw, staring into the tea in the cup in his hands, trying not to break the damn thing from squeezing too tightly.

He didn't give a damn about learning about the world. Didn't give a damn about learning to fuckin sew.  
Didn't give a damn if Sam came back, either.

"Okay," he replies stiffly, while thinking ' _it's not like I am have a choice or anywhere else to go anyway._ '

"Thank you." She smiled sadly, feeling like they had been put in a bad situation. "He's not going to abandon you, you know... and you understand that the both of us care very much about you."

"Already abandoned me," he muttered around the rim of his cup, taking a drink from his tea. "Took my fuckin boots with him, cus he said he was _tellin_ me to stay, not askin," he added, going back to staring into his tea, his brow furrowed.

"I'll learn whatever you want me to, but I know he ain't comin back."

"We'll get you new shoes."she reassured, looking at him, her heart breaking. 

"Sam's a little rough, but ive never seen him care for anything like he does for you... I promise he'll be back."

It was fine if she wanted to keep her hopes up, but Higgs wasn't going to disappoint himself like that.  
So, he simply nodded and took another drink from his tea.

"....what now, then?" He asked after a little bit of silence.

"I'm going to do some work. You and Stephen can go watch tv for a little while? Read or whatever you'd like."she offered, getting up and pushing a kiss to both their cheeks before leaving.

Both watched as Marta left the kitchen, Higgs heaving a sigh before turning back to look at Stephen.

"...so long as Sam didn't take all my stuff, and just my boots, I collected some mushrooms since last we were here, if you wanna see em...?"

Over the next few months, Stephen and Marta taught Higgs things little at a time. Marta taught Higgs how to sew, first. She told him it was a useful skill, even if he did decide, in the end, that he would be better suited for porter work. He would be able to patch up any holes in his suits or make himself clothes, or socks, or whatever he needed. They talked about any and everything while they made socks together, Higgs never knowing that Marta gifted the socks the boy made to Sam, so he could stay warm out there in the world while delivering.

Stephen taught Higgs about biology - specifically fungi, as that seemed to be his specialty, but they did learn about other flora and fauna, as well at the human body. During the times when it was just the two of them, they talked about their pasts - Higgs told Stephen about his life with his Daddy, and how Sam showed up like a knight in shining armor but really he was just a new sort of jailer.  
Stephen told Higgs about the relationship he had been in before meeting Marta, how in that relationship, he never felt like he could do enough, or be enough. How he was always made to feel like he was less than, or a freak. How Marta eventually rescued him from all of that, despite his faults and shortcomings. She loved him, and he loved her.

A year passed, and Higgs was learning about math and other sciences from the neighbors in the area, surprisingly enjoying himself as he learned all these new things that he never would have learned otherwise.  
He caught himself wondering about Sam, quite frequently. Caught himself thinking that, maybe he had been right to tell Higgs he needed to stay, to learn more before rejoining him in the world.

He called sometimes, but Higgs never answered, leaving the calls to Marta, who would talk to Sam for hours, filling him in on how everything was going, how things in the area were.

In the year he had lived with Stephen and Marta, Higgs had grown into a rather handsome young man, all tall and lanky, his scars still scattered over his body, with a spattering of secret self inflicted wounds. He let his hair grow out just a little, enough so that he could tie it back on occasion, reminding him of Sam.

It was towards the end of that second year that things started to take a turn for the worse.  
Stephen was getting sick.  
Things weren't... looking so good.

Higgs ran from the bunker, scarred bare feet running across the rocky landscape, tears welled in his eyes from the wind, or from the worsening state of the man that was more a father figure to him than anyone had ever been.

_Why?  
Why him?  
Why now?  
I'd rather it be me - don't make me bury another person I love..._

Watching Higgs run, as he did when he was feeling particularly troubled, Marta called on Sam, a tired and sad look in her eyes.

Sam always answered the calls from Marta, he always spent hours just talking to her about everything and nothing. He'd grown to love her so very much, glad she didn't blame him for leaving Higgs there. She actually praised him for doing so. 

So when she called on him, sounding off, he started to head her way. She told him about Stephen getting sick and how she wanted to take the trip to the incinerator while he was alive. 

To let him die on his own terms with the wind on his face.

Sam couldn't agree more, hoping he and Higgs could remain civil, knowing they should both be there for this. 

Hes buzzed when he'd gotten to the bunker, hoping to see Higgs. They'd told him he'd started on treatments, making him more masculine. He was looking forward to seeing the man they'd made.

Though they were both still children.

Marta answered the door, a sad smile on her tired face as she opened her arms for Sam.  
"Welcome home, dear," she hummed, looking him over. "Come in, come in. I made some supper, just waiting on Higgs to come on back home," she added, leading the way into the bunker.

Stephen was laying on the pull out bed of the couch. He looked pale and so so tired, his breathing shallow under the heavy blankets keeping him warm. There was a little house garden of mushrooms on the table beside him, clearly taken care of with love by himself and Higgs.

"Stephen, my darling... Sam's here," she breathed, approaching the bed to run her fingers through his hair, sweat matted to his forehead. "Will you try to eat something?"

"When Higgs... comes home," he breathed in reply, blinking his eyelids barely open, heaving a shaking sigh.

Sam watched, feeling guilty for leaving them. He wished he hadn't left her alone to deal with all this. 

"I brought some medicine. Should help with the pain for now." Sam offered, unloading the pack. He'd brought a few things with him. Including the drugs that would stop Stephen's heart when the time came. He brought more than enough, understanding the pain Marta would be in too. 

He gave them their space, setting up for when it was time to go.

It wasn't long before the barrier alert went off and then the bunker door opened, a tall lanky boy stepping in.  
He was dressed all in black - black turtle neck with the sleeves rolled up, black cargo pants and black boots. He even had black makeup around his eyes, his dark hair ties back in a small, neat bun.  
He dropped his bag by the door, apologizing for being out so late when he turned, freezing.

Beautiful mismatched icy blue eyes, outlined with perfect dark lines seemed to drink in Sam, standing there in the main room.

"....Sam...?"

Sam watched him come in with wide eyes, mouth falling open, heart skipping a few beats. 

He had gotten beautiful, all slim and tall, sharp edges, his eyes still the same but held so much more. He wasn't the boy he'd left behind at all.

"Higgs..." he breathed, at a loss for words. No clue what to say, what there was to say. 

But this wasn't about them right now.

Higgs looked Sam up and down, sucking in a breath before making himself turn his attention to Marta and Stephen. He put on a smile, moving past Sam to go to Stephen's side.

"I guess Sam's here so we can go on that trip you've been askin about, huh?" He felt tears welling in his eyes as he took Stephen's hand in his own half gloved one.

Marta kept her eyes on Sam, watching him take it all in, see what his sacrifice had helped Higgs to become. "Let's have supper together one last time, hm?" She cleared her throat and moves to the kitchen while Higgs helped Stephen out of bed, as he had become used to doing in recent months.

Sam swallowed heavily, wiping at his eyes. This wasn't his place to cry. He's the once that gave all this up. 

Shouldn't even be here for this...

Sam followed Marta, not sure what to do. He'd do the cleaning, knowing she should spend some private moments alone with her husband. 

But for now, they sat, listening to stories about their lives. Apart, but mostly the ones of them together. 

He stole glances at Higgs now and then, tying to see if his time here made him happy. If he'd made the right decision.

Marta did most of the talking, Stephen chiming in here and there when he had the strength to. Higgs helped him to eat, while eating his own food. He tried not to look at Sam, tried not to notice the changes in how the other boy held himself. Tried not to notice how handsome he looked, even when he looked so tired and so sad.

He tried not to wonder what Sam had been doing in all this time they'd been apart.

When supper was finished, Marta helped Stephen up and they went to their room together, to prepare for the trip ahead, to say their goodbyes and spend one last moment alone together, leaving Higgs and Sam alone in the kitchen.

The younger boy stood and started picking up the plates and things, clearing off the table. He moved with such grace and fluidity - he'd certainly outgrown most of his clumsy nature. His hips still swayed a bit as he moved, but he seemed to have embrace the movement.

"Its good to see you..." Sam finally said something to him, wishing it hadn't been that. "You don't have to talk to me... I just wanted you to know that its good. You look... really good." He could jump off a bridge. 

He sighed, shaking his head and getting up to help Higgs. "Hey... they're you're family. Go be there with them."

Higgs froze at the sink when Sam's voice finally filled his ears, finally addressing him. He clenched the counter, digging his nails into it a moment, taking purposefully slow, careful breaths.

"....it's good to see you too. I know Marta is happy that you're here for this. You're family too," he replied, sounding a little stiff, a little unsure of himself. "...but they deserve a few moments alone. I've still got a little time to be with both of them. We have a long trip ahead of us," he added, chewing the inside of his cheek.

It felt... weird, to be talking to Sam after all this time. He hadn't talked to the other boy since their big fight, when he told Sam to leave, to go away.

"....I really missed you...."

"I missed you too... you know I never stopped checking up on you." Sam watched him, licking his lip and blinking, trying not to cry. 

"I brought you some boots... they won't fit you at all." He breathed a laugh. "When did you get so big?"

"Dunno, but Marta's been keeping track. Been marking me growing on the fucking doorway to our room," he laughed, leaning against the counter so he could look at Sam. He crossed his arms over his chest, letting his mismatched blue eyes wander over the other boy, now closer to a man.

"Ain't got porter boots any more, but I've got boots good enough for a decent travel. I go out and bring mushrooms and shit back to Stephen, work out in the garden sometimes," he shrugged a bit.

"I... are you happy here?" He asked hopefully, worrying his hands together. He was almost sure he'd been happy, Marta told him about everything. But he wanted to hear it from the boys mouth. 

"I'm sorry I missed so much."

"I was, sometimes. I had my bad days though, too..." he shrugged, looking down at his feet. "...but I don't want to stay here, anymore. I don't want to stay here, Sammy. Not when they're gone, unless you're staying here with me."

Sam smiled sadly, nodding. So Higgs knew then. 

"I won't make you stay." He shook his head. "I understand if you don't want to come with me, but at least let me get you to the nearest city." He asked hopefully, almost begging him.

"Oh fuck that - you ain't walkin out on me again and leavin me behind," he looked up, a bit of fire in his icy eyes as he glared at Sam slightly. "...they're leaving this place to us, you know. This'll be ours, when we bring them to... to..." he felt himself choke up, clenching his fingers into his sides, digging his claws into his own skin.

"To the Beach." Sam finished Higgs' thought. "They'll be together. I know they will." He smiled sadly, turning to look at their room. 

"I'll stay if you'll have me. I don't want to miss anymore than I have." He looked down at his hands again, wishing there was more he could do. Some way to make this easier for Higgs.

It was one thing when it was his Daddy, when they were planning for him to go, to be taken to that incinerator.  
One thing when he was the one to kill his Daddy and Sam was there when he popped.

...he didn't care about Daddy the way he had grown to care about Stephen and Marta.

"I want you to stay, yes. I... I don't want you to leave me again, okay? Please? Promise me...?" He asked quietly, sounding like that small little boy that Sam left behind. "I'm- _We're_ losing them... I don't want to lose you, too."

Sam sat up a little straighter, looking Higgs over a bit better, nodding. "I promised I'd never leave you alone when I found you. I think I've kept that promise, I'm not looking to go back now." He reassured, looking him over, just as warm and protective as he'd felt when he pulled Higgs out of that bunker all those years ago.

Higgs seemed to relax against the counter, nodding his head. "Then I don't gotta kick your ass," he hummed, a slight tease to his voice as he glanced at Sam from under his lashes.

He had learned quite a bit while Sam was away, including how to fight, to hold his own and defend himself.

Sam laughed, feeling a little weight lifted. "Please, you're still scrawny. All I have to do is sit on you." He teased, smiling at Higgs. 

"But let's play nice for now, alright? They should be ready soon. We can sleep here if we don't leave tonight, but we leave before the sun comes up. They'll love seeing the sun rise over the mountains." He smiled sadly, remembering when he showed Higgs his first sunrise. 

When he first showed him the stars.

"May be scrawny, but I'm definitely gaining on you in height," he huffed, trying to bite back his smile as he glanced towards Marta and Stephen's bedroom. His heart twisted, thinking about bringing them to the incinerator, about... about Marta deciding she didn't want to live without Stephen, and if he was going, she was too.

"...they really love each other," he murmured quietly, throwing a glance towards Sam. "You think... You think we'll ever be like them?"

Sam blinked, taking in a quick breath. "You still want me around that long?" He asked, feeling hopeful that Higgs would still be his friend after all this. 

"We'll probably be uglier. Way more fucked up, but... I can always hope." He nodded, looking to him with a soft smile, wanting to reach out. He was so sure it would hurt, knowing he couldn't comfort the other boy when the time came. 

But he would. He'd give anything to make this easier for him. 

"I asked about you all the time you know... she said it wasn't a good idea for me to come around. That you and Stephen were still mad at me..." he chewed his lip, looking down with a sniff. 

"Thanks for letting me be here... for letting me be the one to take them." He looked over to Higgs, wishing he really could tell him how grateful he was. He may have known the couple longer, but Higgs lived with them. He was their son.

"I'm _still_ fuckin mad at you, but... but being mad doesn't mean I don't still _love_ you, Sam. Don't mean I haven't thought about you and wondered about you. Gone out in the world to search for you a little, never going too far away though so I didn't give Marta a damn heart attack callin for me when supper was done," he sighed, running a hand through his hair, pulling it from his neat bun a little as he did.

"Anyway... you're their family too, ya dolt. As much their kin as I am. No amount of residual anger I hold is gonna make me push you away from them when they need you most. You left me behind so I could get smarter, not dumber."

"And you look pretty smart too, still a dumb ass though." Sam teased, hoping it was as good as an apology. 

"We'll take our time. I don't expect you to forgive me right away... and if you never do... well, I could live with that as long as I got to see you now and then." He sighed, attention being pulled away when Marta opened the door. 

She told Higgs to go spend some time saying his goodbyes.

Sam wished they didn't have to do this here. Knew it could poison all of Higgs' memories of this place.

Whatever retort Higgs had planned for Sam's words caught in his throat, his body going a bit tense, his breathing seeming labored though he was only just standing there. He stared past Marta towards the bedroom, his heart feeling like it was being squashed in a hunters trap.

He stood there, his lips slightly parted a moment or so before taking the heavy, slow steps towards the room, disappearing beyond the door to sit with Stephen. He held the man's hand and sobbed. Stephen smiled sadly, tiredly, and brushed the tears from his boy's cheeks, shaking his head.  
They talked, about anything and everything they could think to talk about. Mushrooms, mainly. Marta, Sam.  
It was... it was hard, and he felt himself breaking.

Marta sat at the table with warm tea, heaving a sigh. "I'm sorry that this is what has brought you back to us, Sam... but I really appreciate you being here. I know Higgs appreciates you being here, too..."

Sam wiped his face, wondering how many times Marta sat here, right at this table talking to him. How many hours they spent, all for it to just end a few from now. 

"I won't leave him alone. I promised you that... no matter how much he wants to kill me. I'll be back anyway." He teased, swallowing heavily and taking her hand in his.

It burned, knowing his skin might welt, but she deserved the contact. "It won't hurt you know... I... tried it to make sure. Just like falling asleep in each others arms. You won't even know." He reassured, giving her hand a squeeze. 

"Higgs and I will manage."

"Oh that boy..." her shoulders fell slightly as she smiled sadly, her eyes brimming with fresh tears. "He's still so fragile, Sam... still so on the verge of breaking any moment... You'll need to be patient with each other," she said carefully, patting his hand with hers before pulling away, knowing how his touch aversion was developing beyond what it had been. They talked about it, sometimes, when she started to notice the burns in his skin of handprints.

"You're such a good boy, Sam. ...We've been so lucky, so blessed to have you. I hope you know I've more than considered you my own, my son," she felt her tears burn and drip down her cheeks. "Stephen loves you too, despite his anger. He just... As soon as you brought Higgs to us, he has been so protective of that little boy."

Sam breathed a laugh, feeling his face scrunch up, doing his best not to cry. He had to stay strong for all of them. 

"That's why I brought him here. I knew he'd be safe here... he could do his growing up here. Where he was safe and loved. Out there is no place anyone should grow up... I hope he realizes I did it because I wanted the best for him." He sighed, pulling his hand to his lap, rubbing the stinging feeling out of it. 

"I know he thinks I'm the same as his dad but I'm not. I won't be. I promise I'll be as good as I can to him." He looked at her, feeling a little lost. "I have a lot to learn about him, but I'll do my best." He wished she could know how much he meant it.

Once Higgs was finished with his goodbyes, it was time to go. Sam decided on bringing a carrier with him, in case the couple wanted to sit together.

Higgs wiped at his face as best he could before leaving the room, the black lining around his eyes streaked with his already dark tears. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he stepped into the kitchen and nodded, looking from Sam to Marta, feeling that pain, that burn of tears starting all over again.

He wasn't going to survive this fucking trip if this kept up.

Marta and Higgs both helped Stephen into the body bag and then the carrier, Marta climbing in beside Stephen to hold him close to her. Higgs pulled on the cape that he had made for himself, to protect himself from the rain since he no longer fit in his old porter jumpsuit. Once he was ready, he turned to Sam, an automatic reflex to offer the other boy his hand.

Sam pulled on his gloves, watching them all get comfortable and ready. The two sitting in their bags, the carrier attached to him.

He took Higgs' hand, needing to hold on to him, feeling his stomach dropping, going a little numb in the chest.

It was just a delivery. He could make a delivery. 

It was a clear night, the stars were plenty bright, it wasn't too hot and there was a decent breeze. It was perfect, Sam couldn't have asked for better conditions. He kept quiet, listening to the hushed voices of the couple on the carrier, just talking and laughing. He was a little confused by the lack of crying. They seemed happy. 

At peace.

Meanwhile Higgs was trembling, squeezing Sam's hand as they walked, forcing himself to be quiet as he cried.  
He couldn't even appreciate the beautiful sky above him, so clear and so bright.

It was perfect weather for them.  
Beautiful for their last night here in this world.

He couldn't hold back the soft sob that nearly pulled him to his knees, that nearly dropped him to the ground.

He was never meant to have anyone except Daddy. He had been sheltered and groomed to only love Daddy, only know him and be only his.  
His little heart couldn't handle all of this love and all of this grief, all of these tears that just wouldn't fucking stop, wouldn't let up and let him see where he was going.

...but he could trust Sam's sure grip. Despite leaving him, he knew he could still trust Sam with his life. That would never change.

They trekked through the night, closing in in the nearest incinerator just as the sun was starting to dye the sky in pinks and reds, orange and purple of the early morning, chasing away the beautiful stars.

Sam, pulled Higgs close, just before the incinerator was in sight. Just as the sun was beginning to rise. He took his gloves off, wanting to feel this part. 

"Its time..." he whispered to him, going to the two of them in the carrier. He took them both out of the bags, wrapping a blanket around their shoulders, letting them cuddle together.

He gave them both the injections, sitting next to them, just listening to them breathe as they all watched the sun rise. Soon they were both asleep, and not long after that, they were gone. 

Sam sat a little while longer, letting the sun warm his face.

Hearing the extra breathing come to a stop, Higgs felt something inside of him break. He stared at the sun rise, his tears falling quietly down his cheeks as he wished his own breathing to stop.  
He wondered, not for the first time, if he were to put himself into the incinerator, if he would still repatriate, if he would still return.

The sadness that settled into him, the numbness... he brought his knees to his chest and let himself sob without abandon. He let his cries echo around them, shaking in his own body as he cried.

He hated this, hated it.

They were gone.  
Two of the people he loved most in the entire world. Two of the only people he truly knew.  
Gone, just like that.

Sam let Higgs cry for a while. Let him release all that pain and confusion, all that loneliness. 

After a little time, he scooted closer, wrapping his arm around the smaller boy. He felt so frail and yet somehow, so strong. He held him close to his side, hoping he knew he wasn't alone. 

Sam couldn't cry just yet. Higgs needed him not to. He found it hard to, they seemed happy in the end. Neither of the two shed a tear, knowing they weren't leaving the other. 

He wished Higgs could understand he wasn't leaving him. That he never truly had.

It took a little while for his crying to stop, to die down to sniffling and sad little hiccups as he leaned into Sam's side, still trembling.

"We... we gotta take em to..." he looked up at Sam, his mismatched eyes glittering beautifully in the rising sunlight. Darkness stained his cheeks and he looked a damn mess, but he was trying to pull himself together, trying to be stronger.

"...we gotta let em go..."

"Come on then." Sam stood, getting himself up, taking Higgs' hand. 

Their contact hurt, but his physical pain couldn't compare to whatever the boy felt in his heart. So he let him, holding on and not letting him go. 

He finished their trip to the incenerator, setting them both up on the same platform, making sure they both fit. It didn't feel right to separate them, not even here. He stepped back, wrapping his arms around Higgs, when did he get so tall, just watching the flames start, the platform lowered into the ground and the doors shutting. 

It was over.


End file.
